Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A grim night at the yarddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elitegundam
    ASL Info:    25/M/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.25 - 68/90/20
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Misc/Gothic
    Total Views: 221
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1439



    Description:
       Please, ANY help with this would be greatly appreciated. spelling, grammer, poetic feel, wording, suggestions, offer them all. This is going to be the introduction to a short story I'm writing so it needs to be perfect.
    hope you enjoy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA grim night at the yarddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Within the woven black threads of sky,
    a hole.
    'neath the cryptic, heavenly sphere,
    the world below, enshroud in darkness.
    A field.
    surrounded by fence, public, yet private,

    rows of carved stone stand up,
    bookmarks in the journal of life,
    a name and date engraved on each,
    marks their passage through time.

    The oppressive void of silence, broken,
    by the splash of water striking stone,
    the offending drop of rain soon followed,
    as the clouds spew forth their shower.

    The onyx sky above shatters,
    through the newly opened cracks appears,
    an uncanny yellow glow,
    the air emits a thunderous scream of pain.
    Seconds later it is whole again,
    the landscape once more plunged into darkness.

    In the midst of tributes to the deceased,
    a figure emerges.
    Garbed in a hooded cloak of shadows,
    it radiates with a soft, eerie glow.

    Gliding across the saturated soil,
    it approaches.
    Strain to see,
    gazing within the folds of cloth,
    no face, only darkness.

    From an upraised sleeve,
    a hand of bone extrudes,
    the white skeletal fingers contrast,
    the sea of night behind.

    a solitary finger pointing at me,
    turning, looking for an answer:
    Eternal night




    Submitted on 2005-07-06 10:17:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Great job. I love the dark and mysterious imagery. I love it's darkness and mystery period. Great write. If this is only the intro, i'll have to read the story.
    | Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by thor_s avatar | [ Reply to This ]
      i think u'v done an awesom job with the imagery. i could actually picture the scene in my head.. the thunder, the lightening etc.. the saturated soil bit is cool as well cos it shows ur attention to detail..
    the whole piece is spooky and grabs ones interest.. very gothic.. if your story is as good as this.. i look forward to reading it..
    | Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by Sanjhana | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good! I can't find any spelling errors or really anything that I would change. I think it is extremely well written with really good descriptive qualities! I enjoyed reading this, it kept my interest. You have a great talent! Keep writing! Take care.
    | Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.