Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Intruder


Author: marysunshine
ASL Info:    34, Female,
Elite Ratio:    4.48 - 610 /705 /75
Words: 290
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1477
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1999



Description:


A trip to the insecure realm of my brain.


Intruder



While gazing into a wild memory,
I slipped lazily through those translucent walls
that normally keep my days from night,
and suppressions from the daily routine.
The barriers sanity relies upon
for structure,
breached.

Ransacked
home again, home again, jiggidy jig.
Someone’s been searching.
An uncareful intruder has broken such dear things.
My jars and figures collected,
smacked to the floor
with the lamps that never worked anyway.
The jelly freshly oozes a purple mess
into the cracks between splintered boards.

A breath behind my ear…
Does it still lurk in the corner with the rocking chair?
Adrenaline gives me a pirouette
to check the breeze with stealth,
but the spider lays carefully alone
waiting for a stupid fly to kill.
I am alone with no one of consequence to speak to,
but I can look to the mirror for comforting thoughts…
can’t I?

Peek! and I’m convinced of the lying nature
of that devious glass,
for what I see holds no candle to me!
In truth, I’m strength to be envied.
I’m a cannon shooting vivacious breath!
What looks at me is violated, frightened like the stupid fly.
I thought I was the spider, spinning a masterpiece for capturing.
I'm captured...just a wasting away resemblance.
A sickening coward who shatters the figures
when frightened.

I am not alone.
I am not the spider...
The intruder still lurks with berserk vibes around me.
I feel it pressing through cracks in my skin,
waiting to resurface my face with its own.
I'm immobilized by the angst I emote,
tired of the ferocious fight within.
I’ll stand without motion in hopes it will pass,
then I’ll find my way back
through the walls.




Submitted on 2005-07-06 12:23:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  How much of a schizophrenic is there in all of us? How many of them are there in us. We must all be a blend of the insecure child we once were and still are and the confident persona we put on for the world. I am so flawed and cracked, my insecurity leaks out all teh time. Mary this is a great poem based on the well tested technique of taking a primary subject, your insecure ego and blending it with a metaphorical one - the housebreaker. You portray the imagery in exquisite detail and thus we are given an insight into the nature of your internal conflict. It's good to know that behind every cool blonde there is an insecure little brunette.
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  At the start this piece had a slow rather dull pace, but it slowly leads to a more expressive and faster pace. It was a brilliant way to do it. The flow of the piece kind of becoming faster as you read on.
Originality, would almost definatley get a 10/10 here as well, it's different to any other thingi've read. I'm not sure that i felt the feelings you expressed within it though, but never-the-less, i don't think it could be changed and keep it's originality.
Danny
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ]
  I've never had the personal experience of being burgled but this poem goes a long way in explaining those feelings of violation, intrusion and fright.
I particularly enjoyed the line "I feel it pressing through cracks in my skin". We hate the thought that someone could be in our own private fortresses without our knowledge and I'm sure that there is a strange atmosphere and pressure once you make the discovery and I thought you described this well.
I also really liked some of the ways you chose to describe things such as taking the spider and describing it as being alone rather than just saying simply "no-one was there" or something like that. I also like the way the spider is not concerned about what has happened, simply "waiting for a stupid fly to kill". Whether intentional or not I like the contrasts and similarities that you can then draw between the subject and spider just from these few lines.
Thanks alot for such an enjoyable poem.
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
  I am not alone.
The intruder still lurks with berserk vibes around me.
I feel it pressing through cracks in my skin,
so immobilized by the angst I emote,
I’ll stand without motion and let it pass by,
then I’ll find my way back
through the wall.


This poem is way differant from what I normally read. I think its definately original.. and quite interesting. I think this was well thought out. Very awesome. I don't think I would change anything, because than it wouldn't... its fine the way it is.. Good Job

Stephanie
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



65535