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untitled


Author: fallingingreen
ASL Info:    18/f/missouri
Elite Ratio:    3.56 - 136 /141 /34
Words: 55
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1205
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 339



Description:




untitled



check the itinerary
you will see
i will be there before
the sun can set
on all of this
for all of you
the plane leaves at seven
behind me a world
i have grown accustumed to
now on my way
outside these walls
to you
for all of this






Submitted on 2005-07-06 12:27:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  nice idea but fix the rhyming and add some substance. you need to add more detail. it seemed incomplete. and interesting title too lol
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by lost omen | [ Reply to This ]
  ya it was cool. i liked it but it was a bit short in my oppion. umm the only line im not so shure about(meaning i dont realy get) is this- I will be there befor(shouldn't it be "i was there befor") i was just wondering but it was good.
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by patrick o_riley | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a good idea but the flow needs a bit of tweeking

like this line

behind me a world
i have grown accustumed to

could be like this

behind me a there is a world
i have grown accustumed to

with just a few words the flow is patched up

on the flipside
-DS
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by playing card | [ Reply to This ]
  More detail! It's a good start and an intriguing subject. It just needs a little more beef, you know.
Keep on writing!
-Catina
| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by Boom-boom | [ Reply to This ]


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