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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fated Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Traveller
    ASL Info:    43/Male/Alaska
    Elite Ratio:    5.33 - 59/46/7
    Words: 303
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 228
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2043



    Description:
       When I wrote this, the words jumped into my head. So I put them to paper. I have not submitted anything anywhere in writing since I was 11 years old. I suppose I am looking for appreciation for my thoughts and advice to make my writings more enjoyed by the reader. Once I have found a way to refine my writing, then perhaps the rest of my poems will see thier way to a book. By posting here, I am looking for a place for others to see what I write.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFated Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    As she slowly read the notice,
    Her eyes they quickly filled,
    We regret we must inform you,
    Your fiancé was sadly killed.

    His ship had sunk across the water,
    The powder kegs had blown,
    The blast that killed her love,
    Had left her all alone.

    She gazed upon the ocean.
    Standing alone she softly wept.
    Another life filled promise,
    That never would be kept.

    She remembered the day he left her.
    The promises they had made.
    Just a year he would be gone,
    His debts would all be paid.

    From the cliffs she looked out,
    No longer could she wait,
    We'll be together always,
    She'd join her true love's fate.

    With a final breath,
    Please answer Lord, my prayer,
    The rocks below await her,
    As she leapt into the air.



    A thunderous clap,
    And the ship ablaze,
    The hold afire,
    A burning maze,

    He had to make it,
    A promise made,
    His one true thought,
    As he began to wade,

    His ship was quickly sinking,
    The crew most burned or dead,
    Just one thought he held to,
    That filled his weary head.

    I made a vow,
    To my future wife,
    I would make it home,
    And begin our life.

    With hold on wreckage,
    To bolster him,
    He would cross the water,
    And began to swim.

    He swam for miles,
    For days it seemed,
    Though pain he suffered,
    Of her he dreamed.

    Across the water he swam,
    Not knowing how,
    He could see the cliffs,
    It was not far now

    And there she was,
    It could not be,
    Upon the cliffs,
    “She waits for me”.

    But he finally gave up swimming,
    No longer did he care,
    He sank below the surface,
    When she leapt into the air.




    Submitted on 2005-07-06 19:32:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A variation on the Romeo & Juliet thing, huh? A nice job here with the story. You do a good job with making us feel sympathy towards them both. In rhyming poems, rhythm is very important, and this is the area in which you need to do some work. I think you should keep to the trimeter (3 beats per line), which means you need to cut some lines like: 'As she slowly read the notice,' should be 'She slowly read the notice,' to keep the beat. Other lines like 'And there she was,' are too short b/c they are dimeter (2 beats/line). Other than that structural problem it's a good write.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2005-09-08 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really sad but really good poem! Your choice of wording is really good and each line blends wonderfully into the next. The rhyme is nice without sounding forced. This reminded me so much of Romeo and Juliet...such a tragic love story. A love so powerful that neither person can stand to live without each other and because of a horrible twist of fate they both die. How awful that is but this is such a good write and a lot of its strength comes from the beautiful story you have told here! This is a great poem! This poem just touches me inside! Just beautiful! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      oh my gosh, my eyes filled with tears at the end. Don't change a thing about this, I disagree, as I think there was definitely imagery in this piece. I could picture it all in my head without having to think about it, which is really rare for me. Why did you wait so long before doing anything with your writing?! Definitely go for a book if you have enough poetry, etc.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Rhayne O_Reilly | [ Reply to This ]
      Really Great. I'm a fan of story poems, and tragedys. This almost has the feeling of a greek, or shakesperian tragedy, which is something i really love about it, and i think you should be giving us advice about how to write, not the other way around... Welcome to ES
    | Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by thor_s avatar | [ Reply to This ]
      i disagree all i saw while reading this was loads of imagery - i pictured every little detail!

    Althought the rhyme and rhythm has a jolly sound to it, the jolly feeling wasn't reflected in the poem which is great as it didn't spoil the mood !
    quite a sad, shocking and creepy ending to this almost giving a heartbreaking feel to the reader!
    nice
    cally xxx
    | Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by callycat | [ Reply to This ]
      I really didn't see too much imagery. I think that was the one thing really lacking in this piece. The emotion was there ... no question about that and it was pure raw emotion, but ... just no imagery.
    | Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by Lipgl0ssed | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the imagery that was put into this. A lot of emotion is portrayed and put into this, which makes the images clearer. The fact that they died almost simultaniously is cool too. Keep writing. Ciao.
    | Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by BrokenAngel | [ Reply to This ]



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