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    dots Submission Name: For being youdots

    Author: DeepsLighter
    ASL Info:    17/f/Brazil
    Elite Ratio:    7.89 - 97/62/14
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1028
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 835

       Just because.....
    i dont think anyone will like this, but i didnt write this for it to be liked by strangers..this is just for friendship...
    anything HUGE that needs to be changed? lettme know what you all think...

    its not sensacional, its not a good poem, it just is...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFor being youdots

    Thank you for your friendship.
    for sticking with me.
    for trusting me.
    Thank you for caring.

    You were there for me,
    helping me through hard times.

    Thank you for your friendship;
    for your kindness-
    your words....
    Thank you for your smile.

    We started out with our mutual friend Dave.
    Now our ship sails beyond that,
    into books, movies, and intriguing conversations.

    Thank you for your friendship,
    for putting up with me
    for having patience.
    Thank you for listening.

    You have looked past my annoying characteristics,
    not giving up on me.

    Thank you for your friendship;
    for all the laughs...
    and all the tears...
    Thank you for being you.

    Submitted on 2005-07-07 14:45:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      A touching tribute to an obviously close friend. You did a fairly good job writing this despite the fact that you didn't felt so. I like how sincere this sounded, felt like you were really talking about an actual person and thanking them for all that good things and times and bad you had with them. I just have a few things I thought I needed to point out that I felt was holding this back. In this line

    "into books,movies,and intriguing conversations."

    You have commas that have no spaces behind them, everytime you use a punctuation mark of any sort you are to place a space ebhind before putting another word. Anyways other than that it was okay. Keep up the good work and have a blessed and wonderful day. I sure you friend will truely appreciate the kind gesture.

    | Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
    I just hope i can live out the same, and fill up the cavity, the void that, by this has been created... i kno i don't measure up to it, but i can try...bsides, i need sumone to love...
    ...and abt the poem...
    I like it and have tabbed it-> put a song to it, if you don't mind...nice write...i feel it...
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by beninbrasil | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say...this one fits the title alot better...Congrats to you! I like the little misplacements of info-you go from thank-you for being you to
    "You were there for me,
    helping me through hard times"

    "We started out with our mutual friend Dave.
    Now our ship sails beyond that,
    into books,movies,and intriguing conversations"

    This is really good b/c you got the praise and then you have the history...So who or what is Dave...the only things that comes to mind would be either a movie you both loved that had a 'Dave' or the very-oh-the best band of his time 'dave matthews band' (I had a CD of his and somebody stole it during one of my competition performances-I was dancing and someone took it out of our dressing room)

    Anyways...this one's a keeper-you're friend will love it'
    take care
    | Posted on 2005-07-09 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      Well my friend here i am, let's see what kinda impact i can leave... the only thing i see right away is in the last line of the second stanza... perhaps you should start it off with "Thank you" just like you did with the last lines of the other stanzas... as for adding more stanzas hmmm lemme think... well here's an idea... between each of the Thank you stanzas have a discriptive stanza, describing why you're thankful for the things you mentioned in the previous stanza... and end it with...

    Thank you for your friendship

    And leave it at that... I would help you further with forming the new stanzas but, well, i know nothing about you or him or how he's affected you in these ways lol... i'm sorry i wish i could, but i'd be happy to proofread it again when you're done, it would be a pleasure... i'm not sure how much time you have before you give it to him... you said a few weeks right? well we'll tackle this thing together then... just let me know if you think my idea's worth taking, and if not i'll help you come up with a new one... take care my friend, i look forward to hearing from you..

    | Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ]
      As you said, it's not our write to critique something that's written purely for you and whoever you wrote it for... I'm glad that someone could inspire you enough to make you wanna write this, and i enjoyed the constant emphasis on your appreciation for their friendship... sounds like you're both very lucky people... and that's all i gotta say about that... nothing needs to be changed, not as long as you're happy with it and it says what you want it to... take care my friend... And don't let the man bring ya down...

    Travis with the white hair and beard
    | Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree, I find it more of a thank you card more than a poem. I believe that you can add imagery and descriptive phrases and still mean the same thing... but say more, if you know what I mean. Try and put it into a poem, not make a poem out of it, it helps.
    | Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by Lareth | [ Reply to This ]
      Ummm. first the title is good, but the poem was a bit rough around the edges...the repetition of "thank you for your friendship" was too much...and I think that you should be a bit more emotional when it comes to writing about something you really feel deep about-like friendship...
    It needs to be more in depth.

    "Thank you for your friendship.
    Thank you for sticking with me.
    Thank you for trusting me.
    Thank you for caring."

    I betting you didn't bother w/ any kind of structure-which is okay b/c I often don't choose to either...but your words don't flow, don't connect...I don't know it's just there, but not really there...there's no feelings in it...

    "Thank you for your friendship;
    for all the laughs,
    for all the tears,
    for being you"

    The ending just ended abruptly for me b/c I guess you said "thank you" too much...I don't know "for bein you" would be so much more effective if you said:

    "Thank you for being you"
    and left it to drift by itself...but get rid of all the other thank-yous and reword it alitte it you choose to let the ending say thank-you...

    If you decide to revise this poem keep the title and refer to it for inspiration-let your heart speak what you feel and your words will come out the way it's meant to come out b/c friendship is so much deeper than just simple words...
    take care
    | Posted on 2005-07-07 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      to deeps;
    I cannot say that Im all of this
    I cannot say that Ive been a great help to you
    I cannot say that Ive been the nicest
    I cannot say that Ive said the right words
    I cannot say that I have been me.

    Deepika, your friendship is very important to me, and we have been through a lot together, like I said before, I dont know if I have helped you more or hurt you more, but I have been glad for our friendship, and I have most honorably, and with care, put this poem into my blue book as a good memory. you have affected my life a lot, for the good, and even sometimes for the worse, but I can say that you have taught me a lot, regardless of whether or not I have taught YOU a lot.
    thank YOU for being YOU...God has blessed me in many ways, including my class in Brazil, and the fact that you have become a good friend of mine, a, (excuse the corny pun), Deep friend of mine. these words that you have written mean so much to me, but yet fill me with regret, because I know that I havent always been the "best" friend to you, I know that I have made stupid mistakes in the past, that have affected you for the worse.
    may God bless you this next year, and pull you through this next year, no matter, how long/hard it may seem, I will be praying for you this next year,
    love respectably,
    jc prescott
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by jcpdandalice | [ Reply to This ]

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