Description: just wrote.
spewed this out of my cranium.
comments; please be kind and honest(does that even make sense? ha). <3
bar scene -------------------------------------------
your pretty existential bones
poking out from under that sad dress
hunched over like a starving african
you think you look great
loosening your work-tie
from your pulsating sweaty neck
grasping that beer you swear is your last for the night
you're looking for something you don't have
rearranging your fishnets
hoping someone will notice the gesture towards your legs
leaning over that pool table exposed like an open wound
you know what they want from you
a college symbol on the center of your cap
a disease growing in the center of your body
wondering who's the next lucky girl
she'll have no idea what you're filling her with
my smoldering cigarette dances in the low light
of this jumbled setting of drunken discouragement
my eyesight rolls over your very movements
as you realize; this life is a mask.
you sit in the dark
you pretend you don't see
she'll go home with him
he'll go home alone.
anyway it goes
someone tonight will end up
dead.
Wow that's really good i like how you had different characters in the bar and how they were feeling and wanting the Starving African thing made me laugh but the rest of the poem was on a very serious note I really liked it lady
this was awesome, 3 walks of life, 3 walks of life going nowhere but to hell! haha...thats just how it works right? in a scene like this, when all these people have nothing but the deseases that they carry, and can do nothing about it but spread it or continue killing themselves...sad but true, thats a song right? anyway, i liked the lines about the college student, rotting from the core...unaware of the death inside of him. that was so sweet. and i got a sense of desperation of the tie wearing man, swearing that the beer will be his last for the night, that guy, once again... is going nowhere, as well as the whore...nowhere to go but down. i enjoyed this write very much so. the three aspects got me. thats it for my rambling mouth...take care and rock on!
OH MY! Wow. I LOVE, I mean literally adore pieces like this. The kind that are "people-watching" so to speak. Mine never come out right though. I love the different characters. You have the classic anorexic girl, the 9 to 5 family guy who is an alcoholic, the hooker, and the college student. As well as the first person character too, you that is. The simple format contrasted with the vivid descriptions for a truly amazing write. I've gotta fav it. :) :) Excellent. <3
I really like this. It is everything still_ill said. Very truthful. I ,however, think the last line should stay there. It does give a finallity(misspelled?) to the work. Good job. :) LeAnna
Submission Name: bar scene
