Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Nature of Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Shadows Life
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 127/127/27
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 897
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 986



    Description:
       ok this is a repost of my former Poem of Love lost i changed the title and a few words in it basically the reasons for the repost is i really really would like some more comments and feedback on it its kinda one of the few of mine i really like and lol i guess i wanted more opions on it thx :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Nature of Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The Dawn casts upon him, feeble rays of light
    the angels stop in wonder, weeping at his plight

    He makes his gifts to heaven, of tears and bitter pain
    the sky above takes pity, and offers him the rain

    the birds of spring sing softly, lest he remember woe
    the ocean sways him gently, in its ebb and flow

    As he drifts to slumber with a soft and gentle sigh
    Echoes of his sadness make the valley willows cry"

    the arms of night now fall, to wipe away his tears
    the pale moon slowly rises, soothing all his fears

    and the roses of the night, blossom in the dark
    but even sweet aroma, cannot heal love's mark

    he lay there in the darkness, his world falling apart.
    his hands crimson red, bleeding from the heart.

    The earth stopped its turning, and the winds grew still.
    as cupid drew another arrow, to finally seal the kill.




    Submitted on 2005-07-08 13:39:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You've made this a classic poem by use of ancient vocabulary! I'm a modern "poet", so I couldn't find much in the starting related to love. I really liked the ending words. Good description; you could use some punctuation. I disagree on the title. But hey, it's your poem!
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Saaber | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked this. though i dont know what to compare it to.
    im sure it is an improvement. its very well written i think.
    emotional and powerful.
    your use of words really brought out the beauty in this.

    'He makes his gifts to heaven, of tears and bitter pain
    the sky above takes pity, and offers him the rain

    the birds of spring sing softly, lest he remember woe
    the ocean sways him gently, in its ebb and flow

    As he drifts to slumber with a gentle sigh
    his wails echo through the valleys, making Willows cry'

    i really liked this part. very nice.
    flowed well to, making it easy to read.
    i have nothing negive to say at all.
    i loved it-
    jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nearly. Most of your descriptions are excellent, but you have to NOT leave the reader wondering, it interrupts the flow.

    "As he drifts to slumber with a gentle sigh
    his wails echo through the valleys, making Willows cry" it doesn't make sense, you say "gentle sigh" then "his wails" so it's a contradiction. I'd go

    "As he driftes to slumber with a soft and gentle sigh
    Echoes of his sadness make the valley willows cry"

    A couple of rhythm problems, too, try and use one hand as a metronome whilst you read it aloud, you should finish each line on a downbeat.

    I still like it, though, nice idea, and nice words, this is only tweaking

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to disagree with Graeme... leaving the reader wondering is the magic in poems.. it's what they're all about. If they tell everything, without keeping some secrets... it misses something.

    A Poem is not about what the write felt when he wrote it...it's about what YOU feel when you read it... each person would interrupt it in its own way and view... if you make a poem too obvious, everyone would read the poem and see the same thing...

    those are my two cents


    -Nynaeve
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Nynaeve | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    65765

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry