The Perfect Death *revised* by Adaria

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Submission Name: The Perfect Death *revised* dots

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Author:	Adaria
ASL Info:	20/F/AR
Elite Ratio:	4.41 - 39/38/14
Words:	128

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	252
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	803

Description:
K, so added a couple of things within this one. A bit more elaboration, as suggested. Thanks for the comments so far, much appreciated. And also, thanks for any future comments... also very appreciated.

The Perfect Death *revised* dots

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My hot death happened in his eyes,
Passionate, they held my captivation.
Under his careful watch, I slowly withered away
Heated by his vivid eyes.
Delirious at the sound of his voice,
I drank his words of love and agony
That fell from calming lips onto my thirsty face.
Melted by his slightest touch,
I passed away, leaving my memory.
A memory of supposed happiness
Of a life that was nothing,
Until his warmth invaded my soul.
My spirit watched his tears flow
As my body relieved the last breath.
Those passionate tears from his fiery soul,
Why does he love one such as me?

Cold gripped me in my life
But I had him in my death,
I had his life watching me die.

Submitted on 2005-07-09 17:12:02 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I love the first line. Is this real death...or figurative death? I'm asking because the french call an orgasm "Le Petite Morte" which translates to the little death. Either way it's a good poem...I just wondered if it was even deeper than it seemed.
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
  ooo. I got such a haunting feeling from this poem. But I was really captivated by it. It wasn't really deep, yet your feelings were showing on the outer-core of this poem. I love how you played off "the perfect death" feeling, because to die with a lover such as he was probably the "perfect death."

"I drank his words of love and agony
That fell from calming lips onto my thirsty face."
That is beautiful. Wonderful write I loved it. <3
| Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by shes automatic | [ Reply to This ]
  mmmm, what a shiver...

(sorry it was the first thing that came to mind after reading this)

M'kay. I came into this with raised eyebrows because... poetry with death is generally poetry I avoid like the plague.
I was surprised and happy to be surprised.

'My hot death happened in his eyes,'
we rush into the poem on the first line and see what it is about from th very beginning.

'Heated by his vivid eyes.'
I didn't read the first version but I like this one a lot; the imagery and the feelings invoked by your wordings are very strong.

Death isnt a happy subject for me but you adressed the subject with such elegance and made the story a thing of beauty.

I look at this and see it as almost perfect. It's impossible to look at something and say it's perfect (what standards do I have to judge it by?)
If I would do any one thing with this, it would be minor.

'I had his beauty watching me die'

for an ending to something this strong, it's a little weak.

and the repetition of eyes in the beginning. 'vivid' eyes, 'passionate' eyes. I mean I know it's hard to think of another word for eyes, but when you've already used it once the idea of these amazing eyes this dude in the poem has fades a little as a feeling.

I dunno if I'm making sense-as usual, I am very very tired. I think this was lovely and a pleasure to read and I look forward to reading more and more of your poetry

AKHI
| Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, that is a perfect death, to have the one you love watch you die... it tells you your not alone. but it could withstand a little more elaboration... and it's so sad :'(
| Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by sword stalker | [ Reply to This ]
  indeed "the perfect death"...to have such a person watch your last dying moments. To have someone you think is beauty beyond words, behold the end of your existence-and for you to see this happen is definitly a way to die. When I think of death I picture the grim reaper rising his scythe before condemnig me to the eternity beyond my closed eyes-which happens to frighten me because I fear not knowing what the afterlife has in store. But to die the way you describe is interesting to me. This was good, but I did have one problem.
I am the type of reader that likes more depth and elaboration to a poem. If this had more depth it would definitly be a five. But then again, I am just one reader and its only one opinion. Thanks for another read.
Tracey
| Posted on 2005-07-09 00:00:00 | by fiery_eyes | [ Reply to This ]

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