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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ALSdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: newerachild
    ASL Info:    15/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 19/28/18
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Misc/Love
    Total Views: 347
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1095



    Description:
       Two Months.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsALSdots
    -------------------------------------------


    To start this off, I wanted to let you know that this is,
    For you,
    Of you,
    To you,
    On the anniversary of our day when we originally got started.

    It was two months ago,
    today,
    that we first declared our hidden feelings for each other.
    Not out of impatience,
    Nor spur of the moment,
    But rather a need that we,
    Felt deserved to be answered:
    To let each other know how we really felt.
    And I find myself,
    Happier as each day goes along,
    That I am blessed,
    With the opportunity to bask in your smile,
    Giggle at your touch,
    Snort at your subtle jokes,
    Return your gaze,
    And to hold you in those ever lasting embraces.

    For you, my love.
    Are my starry eyed universe ,
    That I always long to stare up into on those lonely nights,
    When I am not within arms length of your reach.

    And I find my heart beating faster now,
    In anticipation of what there is to come.
    How can this get any better?




    Submitted on 2005-07-10 00:19:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      my intials. this poem written for me. i remember that fondly.
    | Posted on 2006-09-30 00:00:00 | by fabulousAMY | [ Reply to This ]
      What does the title have to do with the subject of this poem? When I clicked on it, I thought I would be reading something about someone who had Lou Gehrig's Disease (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis - ALS).

    You are aware, I'm sure, that even though this love may be new to you, the feeling is not new and neither are poems about it. Therefore, you, as the poet, have to find a completely original way of writing about it to make it stand out. While you have pieces and parts that are very nice and original, for the most part, this poem is pretty much what we've already seen before.

    I would really suggest, since I'm suspecting this poem is important to you - maybe to give to your girlfriend - that you take those original parts and rework the rest of it. For example,

    That I am blessed,
    With the opportunity to bask in your smile,
    Giggle at your touch,
    Snort at your subtle jokes,
    Return your gaze,


    is the best part of the poem. Not often does someone call loving someone else a blessed opportunity. That's very original. I'd keep that. But the rest of it, I'd rework with fresher language. You've given it a good first try. Take the phrasing that you've already used and try to think of a new way to say the same thing. If you come up with something that seems familiar, toss it. You've probably read it somewhere else before.

    Writing good love poetry is hard - really hard, for the reasons I've already metioned - but it's also really worth it. No other human emotion has inspired so much poetry, whether just poems or in songs, as love. And the object of your love will think you're wonderful for writing a poem just for them. But after the newness of writing a poem for someone you love wears away, you're left with your writing, and you want what you're left with to be good.

    I really think it would be worth the work for you to make this an outstanding love poem, rather than just another poem about love. Go for it.

    Thanks for sharing. mae
    | Posted on 2006-09-30 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was a nice poem. I remembered the first date of the month, day of the week hour and minute that we started to go out. we were goin out for almost 3 months. It would have been three months wednesday July 13th at 7:10pm. But I dumped her for lying to me many times and I cant trust her. Anyways it was good to love and be loved. I can see how you can be happy about this person. I felt like a little kid in a candy store and the candy was free. I wouldn't change this. You should show her this if you haven't. I wrote a lot of poems and showed my ex all of them when we were together. Good poem.
    | Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      If I could just make a suggestion? Try ordering the lines so that it is more compact, even to the eye. The really long lines sort of mess it up visually for me, know what I mean? Maybe this is how you wanted it to look, I don't know, but it just seems... disjointed somehow.

    Of the poem itself, I thought it was nicely worded and stated your feelings succinctly. Of your love, how he makes you feel, what you think etc. It was to the point and totally direct.

    So, to reiterate, brush up on the 'look' of it and I'm sure you'll see what I mean. Hope this helps.

    Cheers
    *Jase*
    | Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]



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