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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Defenseless Motherdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: edthepoet
    ASL Info:    47-m-Pa
    Elite Ratio:    4.72 - 1476/991/125
    Words: 10
    Class/Type: Haiku/Serious
    Total Views: 1367
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 84



    Description:
       A rare haiku from me


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDefenseless Motherdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Defenseless mother
    hears her children screaming help
    man silences them




    Submitted on 2005-07-10 08:04:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      How did I miss this? This was heartwrenching.

    To tell a story of abuse in 3 lines is an incredible achievement, my friend. It's also (sadly) something I know all too well... Though I'm not a mother, from what I have managed to write about my experience, and reading what you have written on the subject, I am determined never to let this happen to my daughter when I have one. I hope to GOD anyone that is experiencing this, or has experienced it, stumbles across this little beauty and finds the strength to speak up and get help... Amazing job. ...bb...

    XoXo
    ~Tayla~
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is one heck of a haiku
    This one my Friend definately made me think
    In this write I am immediately drawn towards the violent tendencys of a man in a relationship
    Though I am a man I find it hard to find violence in a woman it is always a man that I see that trys to control a situation or romance and most of the time later in Life it backfires on them
    Twenty years down the line when those abused children grow up did you ever stop to think that is the reason why Most Boys gravitate to their Mothers
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my poetry and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    Incidently
    I just wanted you to know I admire your work and always have you have a great talent with words
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-06-15 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      A short write that tells such a long story. Speaking of a life of abuse that both Mother and children have to suffer. My daughter being a victim of such causes reactions of anger toward one that causes such abuse. My child was left in a feeble condition, having to be hospitalized, almost losing her baby, made front headlines. He only served six months, such a short time for what we all went through with the Mother and child...
    | Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! This is one powerful haiku! You have said so much in so few words and touched on a most problematic tragedy in our society all at the same time. This is really good. I read this and was just impressed with the cause and effect and how the title has so much relevance to this haiku. Perfectly worded and perfectly written. Excellent job with this. Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Ed,

    I got something completely different from this piece. At first, I thought it was a piece speaking of Mother Nature, and her inability to help her
    "children", creatures, against the onslaught of man. On a flip side, I can also see how it could be about People screaming out their desires and dreams, but how life and what is accepted by example of others silences these desires. It is heartbreaking to see your child's innosence and dreams be shattered by the hands of man. Either way, I like my interpretations, even if I am way off base with both of them. I do think this is an excellent write, though I generally do not prefer the haiku. thanks for sharing!

    Liz
    | Posted on 2005-10-17 00:00:00 | by ebflannery | [ Reply to This ]
      I would not be a silent mother. I would be stepping in the middle causing all kinds of rukus! You know me though! Ha ha!

    This was rare for you. But the power of it has your name written all over it. The description of just these three lines is amazing.

    Still with love,

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey friend,
    I just wanted to drop in and say HI... it's been a while. Anyway, I was never one for Haiku's, I always failed this part of creative writing - go figure ;-) You did this one well. My favorite part is the last line. When I read this the only thing that comes to mind is the past. Not mine in particular - everyone's in general. Talk to you later!

    Faith
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by calling eve | [ Reply to This ]
      Welcome back ED and see you are getting into Haiku/Senyru...You know my passion is this ancient Japanese form so it pleases me much you testing the waters. This poem is powerful and relates many feelings such as fear, pain, and helplessness in its seventeen syllables. Bravo my friend.
    `always write poetry, Cheryl.
    | Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good. This Haiku is one that rates amongst the best I have read. I have never written one but this is definitely good. I'm a story teller, and in this one short piece, a great one exists, nice work.
    | Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this is so powerful in its' impact Ed! Kudos to you. This is a form of haiku called Senyru, where the subject matter both the concrete observed and the intangible emotion deall with Human Nature rather than Nature itself. This hits close to home for me-so much that I felt a familiar stab of nausea,-but that is good, -it shows that your words elicit a strong connection with the reader.

    I will remember this always,
    Sally
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      In 3 small lines you have expressed the sad reality of so many - I can't even find the words to express how perfect this is - maybe I just did
    Lisa
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      extremly unfortunante that this little 3 line haiku tells the story of so many homes in the world. nothing can be expressed no better that what was said. man silences the people who fear that man and them alone. if the little boy or girl sees "daddy" they refuse to act bad or even smile. The woman doesnt know whether to be scared or happy that hes home. but one day woman and child grows out of that fear and is backed up with courage and all of a sudden the man is now silenced. talk about a nice reality check that would be
    | Posted on 2005-07-20 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
      Damn.
    I didn't think it possible of anyone, but in three short lines, you convey terror, anger, helplessness, fear and anger. Beautifully done. I can't say Haiku's are my favorite form of poetry, but this was incredible.
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      Again, three lines and you have a crapload of responses! You are an amazing guy...

    I like this alot... it says so much. I can picture a neighborhood and kids and a single mother living with some jerk who is controling them. Sounds terrible...

    You did good once again!

    Indigo Kid
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an exposure through poetry of the evil that goes on in this world. Boyfriends and step fathers abusing children and the mothers can't even help them. I wasn't expecting a haiku but you nailed it!

    X
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ]
      I really wasn't expecting this much.

    That last line just hits you, it makes you completely stop and just realize.

    Short words, but their impact is inifinite.
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by DewdropMartini | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent Ed. Powerful thoughts and feelings related here. There are many out there who should read this and absorb. Unfortunately, they wont. Great effort.
    Carol
    | Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow ed, this was a pretty powerful haiku (bless u)! I hope he used other things rather than force to silence them...like candy or a toy. But it doesnt sound like its too happy of a post. Thats what I like about haikus (bless u)...how such emotion and imagery could come from three lines. Very well done. Have a good one and keep smilin'
    | Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think I've ever seen so much power expressed in just three words "man silences them". A great haiku, and I can't find anything that you can change in it. I almost dare say it's perfect, (however i'm always scared of using that word).Every word in this is essential to the poem and there is no excess ones. Very good,

    Aimee x x x
    | Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by xdollpartsx | [ Reply to This ]
      yes it is indeed an art form to make a haiku and make it work and make it worth while and of all the words we could choose an all the time we could take we only have a nanosecond,

    i think it is important to give something in this format. whether it is food for thought, perhaps a play on the few words that are there, a message within a message or whatever. we could quite easily write a load of random stuff because it would be easy to.

    i think this is ineffective in for two reasons. the first is that it is straight faced; it tells what it does as it is and nothing more [and nothing less]. you have something you want to say and you have said it and for me that is better than talking about a leaf or the sea, because with this format a big part of it is with the reader and how they take what has been offered.

    the second is the message. it has a lingering quality, a silence around the words and between the words, much like in good music; like the last note and how it rings in 'the tourist,' by radiohead.

    i do have a couple of suggestions;
    really more observational than critical:
    you use a lot of your allotted syllables in your first word. i think it works [just] but i found it a worthy point of interest.
    i think that the last word is your weakest. ending the piece with a word that is by definition elusive and unspecific does give your piece a slight ambiguity;
    ['them' being what? the screaming? the children? the defenceless mother and the children? all three?]
    and yes there may not be any other word that you could replace or any other line, but i just think that is the one weak link,

    hope all is well as i trust it is

    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]


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