Description: This is something i wrote in grade 8 as part of a huge poetry project we did. i found it today so thought i would submit it for some criticism...tell me what you think. be brutal if you must, i can take it :) it looks better on the page because it is accompanied by a picture of the horse.
The Horse -------------------------------------------
Dark brown hair
Light brown mane
Lying peacefully in a field of lupins
But not awake
Just daydreaming beautifully.
Even with her legs bundled up beneath her
She still looks graceful.
The grass cushioning her elegant body
While the sun and flowers enhance her beauty.
So you have a horse do you? I took a quick look because I used to be a stablehand for racing horses, so I appreciate them for the beautiful creatures they are.
I do feel you could perhaps elaborate a bit more. It was nice and simple but I could feel that maybe you wanted to go into more description. Just a feeling, nothing more.
You have a visual element here. But how about the other four senses? Do you see what I mean?
I hope this helps. I wrote a poem once about horses mating - yes I know, weird subject matter, but it's just one of those things you see, and go, whoa, that's something you won't forget. I don't really like it, but I think it captures something. Tell me what you think...
A mare rolls in the hay, eyes glazed, waiting for the stallion to reciprocate.
A soft whinny, a fetlock raised ever so slightly, it is a ritual of communication.
They join, they consummate, it is a wild, primitive instinct, it is a need they have to fill.
Teeth bared, tails slashing through the pungent summer air, the heat is in that moment.
I didn't go into the five senses here. Only the smell the visuals, and of sound. That is why I didn't like it that much - it was too simple for me. But it is something...