Summer by peanut911

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Submission Name: Summer dots

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Author:	peanut911
ASL Info:	19/f/Canada
Elite Ratio:	4.89 - 19/19/8
Words:	52

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	171
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	400

Description:
this is also one i wrote in grade 8 that i foudn today so let me know what you think.

Summer

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Somewhere where the green green grass
meets the blue blue sky,
birds are singing sweetly,
flowers are blooming beautifully,
kids are playing happily.
Everywhere you look,
it's bright and cheery,
it's hot and humid.
People relax in their pools,
and listen to sweet sounds
and watch the wonderful sights
of summer.

Submitted on 2005-07-10 10:24:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  It's a good poem, but it barely incites emotion. Go deeper, find what summer means to you, and relate that either in the first person, or create a character perhaps that represents your views. It just needs to be deeper. Good write, just elaborate more.
| Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by Adaria | [ Reply to This ]
  How old is 8th grade? This poem seems almost childishly simplistic, and yet it is lovely in spite (or perhaps because) of that. The rhythm really works; this doesn't sound forced or awkward at all. The only thing i would say is try to include a bit... more somehow, make the poem a bit deeper and more substantial. Although now you're a bit older I'm sure you've begun to do this anyway.

It's good to look back on past work and see how you could improve on it, what ideas you can draw from it, etc. Thanks for sharing this. tulip xxx
| Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this. It sounds allive. And it sounds like summer. For a fact. It is a very beautiful, peaceful image, I mean its summer.

I thought it was nice to put one of your old writings in here. It is always nice to look back at your old writings. Of course many times they get lost of thrown away!which really sucks

Stephanie
| Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
  It is quite clear that when you wrote this you were starting your development as a writer and trying to find your feet in a sea of words and pages.
The simplicity of the poem is possibly it's most notable aspect. The language, theme and style are all simple and refrain from experimentation.
The only thing notably different about this as an 8th grader's poem is some of the line breaks you choose. The most obvious of these is:-
"and watch the wonderful sights/
of summer."
Many people at that age may have continued the line.
Also neglecting the use of capital letters to begin lines (which I expect would have been drilled into your mind by teachers at this stage, much like I was) either shows experimentation or simply a lack of capitals. I can't really decide.
I'd be interested to see how you would write on the same subject now a few years later to compare the two.
Thanks for contributing.
| Posted on 2005-07-10 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]

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