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    dots Submission Name: A Toast To Perfectiondots

    Author: shombray
    ASL Info:    18/F/Texas
    Elite Ratio:    5.31 - 103/91/26
    Words: 221
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 940
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1362

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    dotsA Toast To Perfectiondots

    When Jenna Luton was born in the world
    She would become the perfect little girl
    She learned at school and at home
    Her mind became an intelligent dome
    Jenna really loved her mom and dad
    But deep down inside they made her sad
    There was any language she could say
    But this child had no time for play
    She just wanted to stay as a child
    Her parents said kids act too wild
    Highschool was all about study
    No time to have friends and buddies
    A model was what she wanted to be
    But a docter was all her parents could see
    She wanted to go to a college of her choice
    In this battle she had no authority or voice
    Harvard or Yale could be her only college
    Her parents felt she'd gain more knowledge
    In college she finally earned her pHD
    With six other miscellaneous degrees
    Her parents found her a nice smart man
    He was also a doctor and his name was Stan
    But Jenna thought he was too uptight
    He always believed that he was right
    Her job was at Hospital Tower
    They made her work long hours
    Even though she really cared
    The hospital treated patients unfair
    And now where is Mrs.Perfect Dr.Luton?
    She admitted herself into a insane institution

    Submitted on 2005-07-11 03:37:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      seems like you got a rather long line of comments this was a good poem though i just wish i could write poetry like you how do you make it ryme so well? anyways keep up the good work girl and hey look at a few of mine and tell me where i can improve would really appreciate it well talk to you latter
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by darkonesgirl | [ Reply to This ]
      to me this story illustrates how parents who succeeded in the system of their time can end up too conservative and perhaps afraid to let their children into a world that may seem scarier than the one they'd prefer to deal with. I like the initial flow and pace, grabbed and kept my interest nicely.
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Catalist | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the irony between the title "a toast to perfection" and the poem itself...it's sarcasm-rich and funny-but sad and almost true...isn't it funny how we choose to let others control our lives and make us into what they think is perfection-in the end your not perfect b/c you're not happy with the outcome-imperfect b/c you're passive and won't change it-but she did in the end-an institution but it was a change from her chaotic lifestyle...
    I guess it's hard to say that parents don't know best but sometimes they can go too far and too quick...they sometimes look at their child's life and say I'm going make it better than mine-or I'm going to make them what I could never be...harsh really...
    anyways, the poem-I liked the rhyming structure although at the rate you were going-a bit fast (which I don't think is bad b/c it emphasizes how fast the parents were trying to make their child grow up) anyways, I feel that the poem should've been broken into stanzas or different 'graphs, maybe...it's a good poem w/ a meaing and a bit of a moral to it...
    anyways...that'd be the only criticism I'd really have...great job, though.
    take care
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      Narrated poetry I have always liked, and this just makes me more sure I like it. Great rythm xcept on last 2 lines. U wanted Dr.Luton to be pronounced lution? even tho.. doesnt realy match. I enjoyed reading it very much and i think that person should have stand up to her parents before she was too late.
    Write on...
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Depdem | [ Reply to This ]
      heyy. I think this piece of writing depicts a classic case of conformity and conventionality and a very realistic possible end to that sort of lifestyle.

    as always, I feel it'd be great to break tis poem into stanzas to not only ease reading visually, but aid the flow of the stages and development of Jenna's life as she grows up.

    I like the rhythm you established in the poem but that same rhythm became irregular in the last part of the writing. other than that, good work.

    take care,
    and keep on writing.

    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by wilted_ | [ Reply to This ]

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