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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Ten-roidots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Silver20G
    ASL Info:    28/M/Wisconsin
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 158/109/25
    Words: 176
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 785
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 947



    Description:
       Let me know if you can figure out what this is about. She was beautiful made perfect in all respects.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Ten-roidots
    -------------------------------------------


    My first love lives in both the old and new
    As lucid as the ocean she moves fluid and true
    She is so sharp I can taste her steal
    When I hold her in my hands perfection she reveals
    With a balance so right, it was life we controlled
    With this feeling she might, be the better part of my soul
    When I grip her base any obstacle is devoured
    If she again clings to my waist, I commit to her power.
    She loves the way I hold her and she lives in the things I see
    She shows me her beauty, her grace, and I celebrate her majesty
    He who hesitates is lost and losing she doesn't do
    Cross us under moonlight and it will be the end of you
    If I fail a test that she can't understand
    I forfeit my life with her buried in my hands
    Her last gift to me besides the the pain of hope
    Is the gift of freedom with her lips upon my throat





    Submitted on 2005-07-11 10:43:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nice! Once again, good flow going on here due to the rhyming. Nice similies and metaphors, also pretty good adjectives. My only suggestion is to make it a bit longer maybe?
    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Two Meters Away | [ Reply to This ]
      This write to me describes a soldier in amcient Roman times speaking to his sword
    I enjoyed this and found this write very interesting
    I havent seen one written with this theme and you captured its ellegence perfectly
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      When I hold her in my hands perfection she revealed
    This is my only point it should either be held or reveals. Also I would have to say sword.
    This is nicely put together and a good read,

    cheers.
    V
    | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the way you describe your sword/blade of sorts....its lovely that they arent forgotten with all of todays obsession with full-automatic guns and rifles and pistols.....i really like the flow and it draws me in....maybe because i like blank verse-it just sounds so easy and un-forced
    | Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      My thought is a really beautiful sword. I hope I'm right, this would be a great piece for one, and I really like swords! lol
    Great descriptives on this, can almost feel the cool steel, the heavy grip, how it would feel on your hip in the scabbard. Cool.
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2005-09-21 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      i caught the rhyming scheme, it flowed. This was put together nicely, quality writing. you used great language, incorporated feeling and creativity into it..best of all it was of a personal nature. great work (its about your first car right?)
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by brokensmile | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't really see any attempt at a rhyming scheme, but you manage to capture the feeling really well. I'd not rate this as an excellent poem, but it's a good read, so its good.
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Roberto Santos | [ Reply to This ]
      You’ve done a great job with this one! I couldnt believe the one comment about “a new car” jeesh.., my first impression was a gun or some kind of rifle, but some lines didnt make sence then, like “She is so sharp..”, “if she again clings to my waist”, so this made me realize it had to be a sword? Huh, am I right Phil? Well, if I am, you have given life to a somewhat “ordinary”object, in a way that I haven’t seen before, excellent!
    Nice ending, just wanna know, is the “lips upon my throat” just the way the sword fell, or is there more to it?

    Lovely work, I enjoyed it and sorry if my interpretation was wrong.

    Love
    Lee
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Lee | [ Reply to This ]


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