Blackberrying (redraft) by tulip

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Submission Name: Blackberrying (redraft) dots

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Author:	tulip
ASL Info:	20/f/uk
Elite Ratio:	6 - 132/108/24
Words:	106

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	379
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	739

Description:
EDIT: I've finally been convinced and taken out the last two lines.

Blackberrying (redraft) dots

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I push the leaves aside, unwrapping their treasure.
The berries glint, knowing they are
Richer than caviar, more perfect than pearls,
Darker than sin.

Black, eager eyes glisten desperately,
Begging for my caress.
I let my hand drift through their dark tresses;
The berries nod their shadowy heads, urging me on.

Impatient now, I plunge with my fingers,
Nails sinking into the ripe flesh.
My palms are sticky with their fluid;
I smile, remembering how the scent clings.

The berries shiver under my attack,
Hanging deep and rich like blood drops;
Reverently, I dip my face and taste
Their sweetness on my tongue.

Submitted on 2005-07-11 11:24:48 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I recall reading the original a while back, but am not sure if i commented or not, -but this is lovely. Poignant memories od blackberries glistening in the sun, -their utter sweetness and the scratch of the brambles-all flood my mind, though it isn't necessary to have experienced picking them to relish this poem.Your imagery and descriptions are excellent, and the word choices create a very sensual, and erotic feeling. I think you have very skillfully demonstrated the way Mother Nature can turn on human sexuality when one has an opportunity to really get away from the material world of man and get back to activities such as picking ripe fruits, gardening, nature walks,camping in wilderness-there is such a sensual side to these things that we miss out on in our sterile, homogenized and pre-packaged, expiry-dated society.

One can feel the heat of passion in this piece, as steamy as the hot August sun on the moist and fertile loam of the blackberry patch. I think this is excellent.
Sally
| Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  This is gorgeous and hot. The stains have found my fingers and I'm scratched by the thought of those berries. I honestly didn't read the first version but I think this one works well. No, I won't nan alize this, I just like it as a metaphor dear to my own heart. Love and lovers, fruit of the ages, succulent and wanting, it's beautiful.
peace and love,
Nan
| Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmm, you didn't change much in this rewrite. This one flows better though.

'Later I will press them to your lips and watch
Your eyes widen in pleasure at their intensity.'

- Why is everyone commenting on this bit? I think it is totally relevant and an important part. It is the closure, the revelation to the person eating these berries that you picked and shared with them. This was my favourite part, and what made this poem echo. I still don't see how the other commenters nitpicked on this one.

Hmm. Each to their own. But if it ain't broke, then don't fix it right? lol

I would have to agree with Haecceity on this one - shorten glistening to glisten, perhaps. And a full stop instead of the semi-colon at the end of the first stanza. But I see that you were trying to tie it all in together. To me, it ties in already with a full stop. But this is just my opinion.

'Richer than caviar, more perfect than pearls,
Darker than sin.

Black, eager eyes glisten desperately,
They beg for my caress.'

- Only a few simple tweaks. Hell, I'm hopeless at tweaking mine let alone trying to do it with someone elses. Just ignore everything I said. I am too opinionated for my own good lol.

Nice rewrite, you didn't completely rework it, which I was kind ofexpecting.

Cheers,
*Jase*
| Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Well I haven't read the orginal, but the piece itself has a great voice, good structure. If I could help with the last line perhaps personify pleasure...you wrote... "Your eyes widen in pleasure at their intensity."

Maybe take out at their and add an s to the end of pleasure

Your eyes widen in pleasures intensity.

Over all I think it is wonderful.

Ryan B. Wilbur
| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by 27_deadpoets | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm glad you told me you had redrafted as I definitely think you are right - this does flow better than the original. I think this is mainly because of the use of more irregular rhyming patterns where you use rhymes wherever they seem to fit well. This means the poem never seems forced and is as if it had flowed naturally from the pen.
Such rhymes as "are" and "caviar" & "caress" and "tresses" speed the poem along just enough.
I'm not too sure how you could change the final line of the third stanza. Maybe "I smile, remembering the lingering scent" or something similar. Just a thought.
I still don't particularly like the ending but I suppose its all down to personal preference.
Thanks for contributing and letting me know you had rewritten it, I'm glad you did.
| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Predator | [ Reply to This ]
  I saw the berries on the vines as they were gently picked. Having once upon a time picked berries myself, I enjoyed the memories this poem brought back.
The only thing that I felt detracted from the poem, were the last two lines. It was a beautiful thought, but it seemed to change the path of the story. But you knew that by your comments beforehand. Very nice poem.
Smiles
| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Traveller | [ Reply to This ]
  I like how within the first two stanzas it was like I could already sympathize with your view of the berries, how simple little berries can be more precious than gold. The only thing that made me pause in appreciation was the part about berry juice on the hands, like I wondered why your hands would have juice on them unless you squished the berries or something lol "You ruined the precious berries! Noo!" Grade A write
| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Catalist | [ Reply to This ]
  I read the first one and did not comment, but I do think that you done well with this redraft.

This sorta takes me back to my childhood. Oh how I loved those berries. I couldn't wait for the first to ripen. I would go out and pick as many as I could, and be as gentle as I could. But, I always ended up with the juice on my hands. Maybe it was my eagerness.

Thank you for taking me back to that time, when my life was much simpler.

This was a great write, and in rememberence of my childhood, I am adding it to my faves.

Brightest Blessings,
Crystal
| Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]

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