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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Abovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deathbelow
    Elite Ratio:    2.7 - 34/43/17
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 817
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1223



    Description:
       Any feedback would be awsome....No subject story really....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAbovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Falling, drifting, silently
    To another place, another being
    Closing, ending, shadowy night
    Tonight is the night I end this fight
    Drain, disfunction
    from my body
    Melting into it, melting hotly
    Sorrow strips away at the flesh
    Into you I'll never mesh
    Could never be solemnly aware
    the weights on this scale are never fair
    Crawling, creeping into night
    Searching for one remaining light
    Fading quickly,dead to you
    Turning shades of purple and blue
    pay attention to what I do
    Everything is just for you
    Corrode, avenge my living death
    You take each single one each and every breath
    Slipping, slipping away tonight
    Somehow, someway tell me it's alright
    Im killing myself over and over again
    It's alright to tell me when
    Each time I cut a little deeper
    Floating, flitter, getting sleepier
    Too bad I don't die for you
    'Cause I know it would kill you too
    But untill your gone, your'e my final bout
    This will be my final fallout
    Crashing, burning mess of love,
    this love sent to me from above




    Submitted on 2005-07-11 19:07:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hard to follow and I say this because I am confused... so confused... and so tormented by the confusion... but it was an ok poem no poetry is ever bad... I enjoyed reading some lines and then others just dragged the I dont know out of me but yeah ... Thanks for writting this one and hope you write more...
    | Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm i couldnt really quite follow this one. i couldnt feel any emotion or flow. and i just couldnt get what this is about in general. which yes made this hard to relate to. but this did seem dark also and i dont like those type of writes usually.well i think thats all.

    brenna
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a little hard to relate to, and you had some little spelling errors like 'untill' which should only have one L...the rhyme scheme was okay. and one line was very confusing:
    ou take each single one each and every breath
    maybe a puncation error? it doesnt make much sense. The lack of subject made this hard to follow, it had a very dark, sad theme, that was easy to spot and it followed well. i'm not quite sure about this piece. have a good day.
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by fabulousAMY | [ Reply to This ]
      Great imagery. I know you had no subject, that made it hard to relate to. But, I did gather that suicide was a huge part of the poem. Very dark and sad. Not because it is a bad poem, but because you speak of hurting yourself to get someone to see your pain. Your flow was good. The depht of it was excellent. You did just fine.
    Maggie
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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