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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: still cradled and lividdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hidden lady
    ASL Info:    28/female/nebraska
    Elite Ratio:    4.47 - 116/118/30
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 735
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 643



    Description:
       meh it's pretty plain to see this is about me and my bf (yeah that's right I typed "bf" I'm lazy, what can you do?) p.s. I hope you like the changes!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsstill cradled and lividdots
    -------------------------------------------


    fallen rain
    on my cheeks
    kissed away
    by your sweet lips.

    fear in me
    about you
    fear this time
    not true.

    slightly still
    slightly livid
    still in love
    still livid.

    baby cradled
    in your arms
    baby grown
    runs too far.

    still I see you
    not too long
    doubt in me
    for I will retreat.

    life this way
    I can not handle
    so this time
    I choose you.


    slightly still
    slightly livid
    still in love
    still livid.




    Submitted on 2005-07-11 23:10:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hahaha. I use slang abreviations too when lazy. I don't like to waste time. What relationship doesn't have uncertainties? A good relationship takes, time, trust, commitment.. you learn as you go
    still in love
    still livid- perfect words for a pefect ending. I wish you the best of luck in love.
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the last stanza should either be repeated earlier in the piece or removed all together. It just breaks away from the rest of the poem and demands more attention or none at all.

    Here is my suggestion in your format:

    fallen rain
    on my cheeks
    kissed away
    by your sweet lips.

    fear in me
    about you
    fear this time
    not true.

    slightly still
    slightly livid
    still in love
    still livid.

    baby cradled
    in your arms
    baby grown
    runs too far.

    still I see you
    not too long
    doubt in me
    for I will retreat.

    slightly still
    slightly livid
    still in love
    still livid.

    life this way
    I can not handle
    so this time
    I choose you.


    slightly still
    slightly livid
    still in love
    still livid.


    See the difference in power and meaning?
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      Good old fashioned turmoil? Well, we all have doubts with each other. It takes time for people to trust each other. If you love him and vice versa, trust will happen... if not, then you will find out sooner or later...

    I like the poem as well. I love the last lines... sums up the piece perfectly.

    Indigo Kid
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    66201

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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