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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: That girldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: musclebound350
    ASL Info:    26/male
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 197/202/70
    Words: 195
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1016
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1172



    Description:
       This is about my friends rebecca. Please dont say any rhyming was forced because it wasn't ok. I never force rhyming I just type what I think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThat girldots
    -------------------------------------------


    As two friends we talk together
    Somedays for hours at a time
    I think of how we get along
    And how your a good friend of mine

    We talk about everything
    No secrets left untold
    We laugh together in class
    Still one secret to unfold

    Your thoughts about me
    Came to quite a shock
    How a beautiful girl liked me
    I'm suprised we even talked

    I regret the day I met that girl
    Because of what I could have had
    Someone who appreciated me
    Someone like you who makes me glad

    We both want the same traits
    In a person we wish to meet
    But we met that kinda person
    That person is you and me

    I would give all I could
    To be with a woman like you
    I can picture a life together
    Laughing just me and you

    I'd change everything about me
    If that meant I could be with you
    Just tell me what to change
    And I'll gladly do it for you

    So I just ask you now
    To give me a chance
    Let me prove to you
    To be the perfect man




    Submitted on 2005-07-12 11:40:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this poem.What I liked about this poem was it started out as a friendship and then it turned into a love for each other somewhat.This kind of reminds me of me and my boyfriend except I think we should have just stayed friends.The way you describe the girl is like a real need instead of a want just for the time being.Thanks for your comment on Can You Make It Stop.You are right about the whole emotional thing because thats the way I feel that my so called boyfriend treats me.Anyways thats a long story but good write.Sorry it took so long for me to reply back.
    | Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by shombray | [ Reply to This ]
      awww very cute. Do you write often? Seems as if the words came naturally.

    minor grammer mistakes, other than that-no harsh critiques for you my friend...

    I look forward to reading your future pieces

    -Lolavie
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by lolavie | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was pretty good with the rhyming. So I don't think anyone will say anything about that. I thought it was a really sweet poem, I really enjoyed reading. I know a guy like you. Its really sweet that you like this girl so much. But some girls don't want a guy to change everything about them for her. Its difficult. I am sure you will figure everything out..

    Good poem
    stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      its a really sweet write and i didn't feel any of the ryhming was forced...but but...it seemed to lose something the more it went on it ...i really think the last four stanzas could be written better...i think one stanza probably could be completly dropped and the idea joined with another stanza because it seems dragged out...and made me lose interest...but i do like it...i just think it could use a little tweek here and there...don't take offense just an opinion take it or leave it...purps
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I just commented on your 'Tearing me apart', and I said that it was a bit cliché. Well, so is this, but in a good kind of way- it's so sweet! Yeah, something like this must have touched your girl's heart. And sorry if I'm prying, but I just read one of your little comment thingys, and one from 'longwinterdays'. . . is that who you dedicated this to? Well, she's a very lucky girl. . . Man, sorry about the plain old talking and no critiques and stuff. But I think that this is the sort of poem where you don't tear it apart- this is the kind of write where you just tell how you felt when you were reading it. but there's just one thing-

    I regret the day I met that girl
    Because of what I could have had

    What does that mean? I thought you were in love with this girl? Ahh, I'm probably too young and stuff- after all, I'm only 13. Ehh. But anyways, keep writing [and I mean that!]

    -T o x i c R o s e
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I just commented on your 'Tearing me apart', and I said that it was a bit cliché. Well, so is this, but in a good kind of way- it's so sweet! Yeah, something like this must have touched your girl's heart. And sorry if I'm prying, but I just read one of your little comment thingys, and one from 'longwinterdays'. . . is that who you dedicated this to? Well, she's a very lucky girl. . . Man, sorry about the plain old talking and no critiques and stuff. But I think that this is the sort of poem where you don't tear it apart- this is the kind of write where you just tell how you felt when you were reading it. but there's just one thing-

    I regret the day I met that girl
    Because of what I could have had

    What does that mean? I thought you were in love with this girl? Ahh, I'm probably too young and stuff- after all, I'm only 13. Ehh. But anyways, keep writing [and I mean that!]

    -T o x i c R o s e
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      This was so sincere! Kind of reminds me of that song by Musiq= If I woulda known the girl next door woulda been you...

    Don't know if you know the song or not...but...this reminds me of that. You have a very mature heart full of love and emotion. And you properly display that in your writing.

    Good job!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



    66247

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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