“I guess the problem is that I was too shy. When Chase showed interest in me, I was thrilled. I mean, he was pretty hot and seemed smart, you know? But also had this great sense of humor and adventure. Life was never boring around Chase. Of course…I guess that wasn’t always a good thing.
“Our first date was absolutely amazing. He definitely spoiled me. Chase picked me up at came early (he let me know first) to meet my parents. He chatted easily with my mom, but not so much with my dad, who I think knew from the start that Chase was a bad kid. Anyway. After leaving the house he took me out to a Thai restaurant, which was really good, and helped me order since I had never eaten Thai before. Then the movie. It was a comedy, but nothing romantic, which I thought was good because it made the atmosphere a little easier. He drove me home, walked me to the door, hugged me and kissed me softly on the cheek, and that was it. He didn’t pressure me to do anything. It’s like he could tell how shy I was. I guess he could tell, though, couldn’t he? I mean, why else would he pick me? He had to know that I couldn’t…wouldn’t be able to…you know.”
“And after the date?”
“Oh, right. Well, the next day I went to school all blushing and happy and I guess you could say giddy. I saw him and he had this big smile on his face, totally identical to mine, and he came right over and gave me another hug and peck on the cheek. It was so sweet. He asked if he could take me out after school. I said sure and when he asked where I wanted to go, I said a McDonald’s, because, you know, he had just spent so much money on me the night before.
“He laughed out loud and asked if I wanted to go anywhere more special and I told him, no, that was okay, being with him was special enough. I’m not usually one for sappy comments, but that was another change that Chase brought out in me.
“We had another easy date, and a few more after that. Finally we started to kiss a little. I had never kissed anyone before, but Chase treated me like I was someone special. He was always buying me things. Cute little stuffed animals, roses, even a tiny locket with a picture of him in it. I felt adored. I felt loved. But the weird thing is, I didn’t feel like I loved Chase. I knew I really, really liked him, but I guess I wasn’t used to the whole ‘in love’ thing.
“I remember thinking to myself one night that Chase seemed a little impatient to do more than just kiss. I didn’t think he wanted to have sex or anything, just, like, make out or whatever. I felt bad because I wasn’t ready but I wanted to make Chase happy since he made me so happy. So the next time I saw him – at the park – I kissed him. With tongue or whatever. And he seemed so surprised, but wrapped his arms around me and kissed me back, deeply. It felt pretty great, too, I have to admit. After the kiss, he let go of my waist and grabbed me lightly by my elbows and just held me away from him, but not like he was disgusted with me. More like he was studying me. Then he smiled at me in this special way and asked if I was really okay with all this. I told him yes, of course.
“After that we made out a lot more. I grew to really enjoy it, but I never let Chase do anything else.
“Then he started getting…weird.”
“Weird how?”
“Umm…well…he wasn’t really possessive or anything. But he would tell me what I should and shouldn’t wear. Not like, ‘If you wear this I’ll break up with you,’ but more like, ‘Why do you need to wear that? Are you trying to get guys to stare at you?’ I guess he started making me feel cheap.
“And the touching got odd. He would pretend to be kidding around and just tickling me, but he got a little too close to areas. Nothing to risqué, actually, he never touched my chest or anything. But he would start tickling my side and move his hand upward. It was creepy, but I thought, ‘Hey, he’s just flirting with me, right? ‘Cause he likes me.’ It was another thing I learned to deal with.”
“When did the major problems start?”
“Shortly after he started telling me what I should wear. He started fighting with me, then coming back and apologizing. He blamed it on work and school and his parents. I felt that he was stressed out and that I was just making things worse. I stopped spending time with my friends and parents so I could hang out with him. He stopped hanging out with his friends, too, so I thought it was natural.
“But as we hung out more, we fought more, too. We couldn’t agree on anything, and being with Chase definitely helped me in one area: I wasn’t as shy as I used to be. So when he started yelling at me, I would yell back. Once…once, I thought he was going to hit me. After that, I didn’t yell back so much.
“Sorry, I know I got silent for a second. I was just thinking back…”
“That’s fine. Are you ready to continue?”
“Sure. I guess. Anyway, after a month of, like, constant fighting – and not only with him, but with my parents, too – I called him and broke it off. I said I was really sorry and I really liked him, but things weren’t working out. On the phone, he seemed okay with it.
“I tried to get back with my old friends. They accepted me readily enough, but I still felt separated from them. I think they could see that something was up, even though I couldn’t. Of course, they had the advantage of knowing the rumors.”
“Rumors?”
“Yes – Chase started telling people that he and I did a lot more than what we actually did. Like sex. And oral. It was horrible when I found out, I just ran into the girls’ bathroom and sobbed and sobbed. I stopped showing up at school and let my grades slip. You know, I used to be an honor student. Sometimes I think that I’m strong and I get over Chase, but other times I feel like he ruined my entire life. How am I going to get into college now without a scholarship? Oh, but sorry, I’m drifting. Anyway, the rumors and my grades and all of it started piling on me and I just had to meet Chase, you know? I had to know why.
“So I called him and I was surprised but he agreed to see me. We met at a park – the same park where we I made out with him that first time – and like it was old times, he made to grab me and hug me. And I let him. But he stayed too long. He rubbed up against me. I was disgusted and tried to pull away. Finally, he let me. I confronted him and asked him why he was trying to make my life a living hell. He apologized but blamed me! He said that he felt like I had given him too much pain when I should have known that he had more on his plate than he could handle.
“The guilt trip…I couldn’t believe it. Instead of making me feel sorry, it just pissed me off more. So I stepped back and told him that he was old enough to act more maturely about some dumb break-up.
“Then he got really angry. He started yelling at me about how I never really cared about him even though he loved me and wanted the best for me – and he lost it. He made a move like he was going to hit me, and I, you know, cowered back, but instead he just grabbed me and started kissing me in this brutal fashion. It was like I was an object, that was all. Not a person.
“He didn’t do anything else. He let me go. But after that, my life was totally ruined. He started seeing me in the halls and grabbing me and pushing me up against his locker to kiss my neck. And, you know, I had to pretend to like it. You have to look strong even when you aren’t. And I needed to look strong. My old friends started to realize something was up, though. Once, after an incident where he started making out with me in front of my favorite teacher, I ran to the bathroom and just sobbed. This girl, Katie, came in and she and I were friends and she ran over and started comforting me. I was so whacked out that I told her everything.
“I don’t know if I hate Katie or love her for what happened next. But at the end of the day, the police showed up.”
“Katie called them.”
“Exactly. At lunch. She debated all morning about what to do. At the time, I was really okay with it. But now…I have to go to court. I have to change schools. I have to look at my family in the eye and let them know that I hid this from them.”
“And you have to be brave.”
“Yes. Exactly. Do you think I was brave when I was hiding everything?”
“I think you thought you were doing the right thing. But you can’t hide something like that. It starts tearing your soul apart.”
“Right. It does. It’s just…even now, people will look at me and say, ‘It’s not like it was that big of a deal.’ But it was! It was my body and he was abusing it! And people will blame me, too, like it’s my fault because I should have known better than to hang out with him. But this was a guy I had dated for months and nearly fell in love with. I wanted to believe that he could change. And I needed to look stronger than I was. People don’t really get it, so I guess that’s what sent me here. I needed someone to talk to who understands. Do you?”
“Well…I can’t say that I’ve had the same experiences as you. However, I do meet with a group of girls who have shared the same pain, sometimes from boyfriends, sometimes from family, and sometimes from strangers. We meet twice a week. I think you can get the full therapy you need there.”
“It’s mandatory though, isn’t it? I mean, I have to go to a group, right?”
“Well, that’s true, you do. But you could go to any group, even one that has nothing to do with you. Or you can go to a sexual abuse group. Or even a suicidal attempts group.”
“I have to admit, sometimes I’m proud of what I did.”
“Which part?”
“The suicidal part.”
“Oh? And why is that?”
“Well, people kept telling me that was Chase did wasn’t that big of a deal. But after a girl tries to kill herself – and I’ll have these scars forever – you can’t say that anymore. I spent days at the hospital. Now they know.
“You’re very silent.”
“Which group would you like to attend?”
“The sexual abuse one. They’ll understand my pride.”
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Submission Name: Chase
