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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shunned Reverie (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ziplock006
    ASL Info:    19/F/Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 37/46/28
    Words: 269
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 243
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1779



    Description:
       So I'm thinking the last stanza needs a little more work but until I can think of some more literary ways to represent those feelings, it's going to suffice for now.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShunned Reverie (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I’d rather have a nightmare than a dream
    for only disappointment awaits
    to embrace my cognizance
    after a fantasy in slumber.

    Whimsical imagination grants me
    things of unfeasible nature, and I
    dwell in six hours of harmony,
    that present themselves as truth.
    But six hours of harmonious deception
    divulge their true self, as I embark on
    eighteen sentient hours
    that take the cloud, upon which a castle in the sky
    sits, by the most delicate
    part of the neck, and cast it down to earth.
    A downpour of present reality
    sops my pillow with purpose
    to jerk me to consciousness.

    A pang of realization hurtles into me,
    I now seeing the unsolicited divider
    that isolates flight of imagination from
    legitimacy,
    from unwanted legitimacy.
    As a politician
    will charmingly
    but so dishonestly offer to bestow refinement,
    my reveries leave me dissatisfied
    and yearning more.

    A nightmare, however, yields to me the reciprocal.
    Malevolent spirits will have their macabre picnic
    through comatose thought;
    I attempt, desperately to transcend this…
    this struggle in physical lethargy.
    An immeasurable flash of fright – grief
    threatens contentment for but a moment,
    until a less austere reality comes
    to vanquish its mock havoc
    unleashed upon my mind’s eye.
    A welcoming realization receives me,
    I now giving thanks to that division
    that isolates flight of imagination from
    legitimacy…
    stricken with appreciation for
    a tangible environment.




    Submitted on 2005-07-13 04:00:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Dear lady let's dance a while... but first... you gotta get more then 6 hours of sleep maaaaan i'm 8 or bust... lol sleep has always been my first love... but on with some helpful hints! first, al the big, uncommon words you used seem to me to be poetic jargon that only really served to seperate this piece from the median... but then again i could just be really retarded... i dunno it just kinda took away from the flow of the whole thing... and now, i gotta ask myself... what is it that in your daily living that would reflect a nightmare... it seems as though sleep, dear lady, was born to not to take us away from the reality of our waking minds, but to create a new reality for a resting ones... if that's true then why would you wish horror upon "horror"... if times aren't so great, then why not embrace the good feelins when you can get them... opptomism isn't finding happiness in a bumble bee, it's realising that just as all ups have their downs so too do all the downs have their ups... sometimes the ups are harder to find... but they're always worth searching for... Take care my dear friend... I look forward to finding more of yer work...

    Travis
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ]
      maybe it's jus a personal preference, but I feel that the most beautiful, poignant n well-written poetry does not require bombastic, high level vocab, but rather, creates beauty in simplicity.

    anyway, I agree with Chell that tis the ending is adequate.

    keep up the write!
    take care,
    Rachel
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by wilted_ | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think the ending is missing anything. Are you concerned that you haven't delved into the nightmare part enough, of just don't like the way you've worded it?
    I was able to follow and agree with the concept put forth in this piece. I like to have both nightmare and fantasy dreams. I feel they keep me a bit more centered.
    I mourn for the fanciful when I am in the mundane, but would miss not having the unicorns and fairies come and dance together in my minds eye. I find a lot of my poetry comes form my dreams, both good and bad. But I can completely understand your statements.
    Let me know if you rewrite and decide to post this again. I would be interested to see what you change. I think it's an excellent piece as it is, but as it's owner you have to be happy with it too.
    Thanks for sharing!
    -Chell-
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]



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