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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Eclipsedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: GiveMeTheGun
    ASL Info:    20/F/TX
    Elite Ratio:    3.51 - 108/85/15
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1604
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1028



    Description:
       Random. Something I manage to put together in a few minutes. Guess its about really deep hatred.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEclipsedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The rain ceased to fall once.
    Before you strove to destroy me,
    You had failed.
    The earth became plagued in sickness,
    By the hatefull tears you've shed.
    When lightning strikes across the sky,
    You resurrect your own dead.

    The sky held back its tears,
    It would not release its blessings.
    Before you bury your hatred in me,
    Listen closely.
    The wind rips apart your beliefs,
    No raindrops will fall but your own tears.
    As you depart--
    You leave your hatred inside me.

    The moon ceased to shine once,
    Your claws of retribution part the earth.
    This is where you bury me.
    Do it carefully.
    Lest you provoke what you dread.
    I'll wait patiently.
    For lightning to strike across a bloody sky,
    For the sky to weep tears of red.
    Your fallen sins plough the earth,
    You've resurrected your own dead.




    .




    Submitted on 2005-07-13 11:35:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A little bit too much with "you" and "your", such that it's loaded that way. I feel there's a story building, but the conclusion is lacking the strength of the build. "Hate" and "hatred" seem to be overused also.

    Perhaps a little more allusion to the title could help. A slow, step by step progression would seem to be in order. I like the weather stuff, but it needs to relate better to the title also. This has potential.
    | Posted on 2007-11-06 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall I like this a lot, kind of a homey
    feel to it. There are a few spots where you
    might consider your word choices. The first
    three lines engender a certain amount of confusion
    in me, mostly because oh I don’t know tense or something.

    maybe

    The rain refused to fall once before
    In that time
    you strove to destroy me.
    You failed.

    then when you get to
    the earth became plagued in sickness
    by the hateful tears you’ve shed
    It seems to me this should just read
    (by the hateful tears you shed)
    the timeline being obvious from the rest
    of the text.
    Or then again maybe the time line is not
    so obvious.
    you’ve shed may indicate the tears are still
    being shed, if that’s the case, well could be
    the choice is fine. But still I sense an overall
    vagueness in the wording as you present it.
    Some change would be welcome (at least for me)
    something that would let my thoughts solidify into
    concrete.

    So maybe it would go

    The rain refused to fall once…….
    before in that time you strove to destroy me.
    You failed.
    The earth became plagued in sickness,
    By the hateful tears you shed.
    Now
    When lightning strikes across the sky,
    You resurrect your own dead.

    For me this flows more coherently
    into your second stanza.

    Not meaning to belabor anything it’s just that
    I find a similar difficulty with the last stanza

    (The moon ceased to shine once.)
    (the rain ceased to fall once.)
    you seem quite taken by this idea
    Now the way I read this after once.
    the thought should trail off into a vastness.
    So to improve the sense of this line I should
    use at least some little dots


    The moon ceased to shine once…….
    Then if you don’t want to use any
    words between your first and second lines
    some separation…..

    The moon ceased to shine once…….

    Your claws of retribution part the earth

    So to put an end to all of this here is how I see it

    The rain refused to fall once…….

    in that time you strove to destroy me.
    You failed.
    The earth became plagued in sickness,
    By the hateful tears you shed.
    When lightning strikes across the sky,

    You resurrect your own dead.

    The sky held back its tears,
    It would not release its blessings.
    Before you buried your hatred in me,
    Listen closely.
    The wind rips apart your beliefs,
    No raindrops will fall but your own tears.
    As you depart--
    You leave your hatred inside me.

    The moon ceased to shine once…….

    Your claws of retribution part the earth.
    This is where you bury me.
    Do it carefully.
    Lest you provoke what you dread.
    I'll wait patiently.
    For lightning to strike across a bloody sky,
    For the sky to weep tears of red.
    Your fallen sins plough the earth,
    You've resurrected your own dead.

    Now I am not proposing that I have done anything definitive here.
    In fact I tried not to do too good of a job, I just want to give
    you another way to think about what you wrote.
    An alternative presentation.

    Truth to tell I did lose myself in your creation for a time
    for that I thank you.
    Dale.

    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      dude mann dis is the awsome est shyt.
    im waiting for some new shyt.



    go on
    be emo and shyt.
    | Posted on 2006-07-28 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, this wasa pretty sweet write. I liked the flow of it and the rhyme made it even more better than anything did. No spelling errors so far as I can see, or grammar for that matter. The emotion is what made it so powerful, and the description and good vocabulary usage helped that. good job...
    | Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a pretty cool, I liked the easy rhyme and flow and how it all fits together. You even go beyond one word rhymes in the third stanza.

    I love contradictions, especially how lightning struck from a sky ceased it's rain.

    I also liked how "You raised your own dead" seems to have a different meaning in the 1st stanza compared to the 3rd stanza.

    Nice write.
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
      whoa, i could feel some level of hate with every word i read. my interpretation would be that (and im probably wrong, but i gots to say it) a friend you once knew has turned upon you, giving you hatred and the power you need to hate them. turning their back on you, they tried to emotionally kill you, then bury you, not knowing it was their hate that gave you the strength to keep going... but hey, this is my interpretation, you said it was random, so yeah. but i did like it, the details in this stanza were particularly amazing:

    The moon ceased to shine once,
    Your claws of retribution part the earth.
    This is where you bury me.
    Do it carefully.
    Lest you provoke what you dread.
    I'll wait patiently.
    For lightning to strike across a bloody sky,
    For the sky to weep tears of red.
    Your fallen sins plough the earth,
    You've resurrected your own dead.

    i really liked this, it shows great detail. good job, later


    ~Zach~
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      ooooo coooooo i liked this one is as coo as bloody corners
    u must realllllyyy hate...
    whoa
    that was coo
    i like the last line
    u could do me a poster of this 1 for my b-day?
    thatd be coooooooo

    R.I.P
    Darkness of the Grim Draco
    | Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by darkness | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm so impressed. So metaphorical! I love this...it's just fits together so well. You have a true talent, and you should definitely try to get your poetry published.
    Annabella :o)
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by annabella041986 | [ Reply to This ]
      I read another poem of yours, it to talked of being done wrong, both poems have a spritual tone to it. I'm guessing you are refering to the time spoken of when Jesus will destroy Satan forever for causing such much trouble for mankind. Satan tried to rid the world of Jesus and failed. It sounds like it came from the book of Revalations ( blood in the sky, plunged to earth, brought plauges to earth). Overall, good writing.
    Maggie
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      the last line is amazing.
    i like the easiness of the ryhmes.
    the imagery was well shone throughout the piece.
    maybe a little more explanation could have helped to block out any confusion. then again, you should never explain your words. it's meant to be deep.
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by fallingingreen | [ Reply to This ]
      It is good and filled with detail.Hints of nature and very evident emotion.a little vague if you think about it, but it gives a shroud of mystery and even some suspense in the air of the poem.

    The meaning is what I have been contemplating for a while now.This probally is not it...but is the meaning nature and the heroine (or hero) going against this man (or woman) that has harmed the main ..'character?'
    And is the asassin(?) somehow associated with dark magic or is he (or she ) a necromancer?

    I know, bad ideas, but could you somehow explain this poem to me.

    Keep writing,

    Sari
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by MoonlightSonata | [ Reply to This ]
      This seemed very biblical in its descriptions and uses of the earth and animal-like qualities = very allegorical I think. As though man is explaining existence.

    Neat.

    love,peace,joy&smiles to share
    tif
    | Posted on 2006-06-29 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmmmm.
    It seems prophesetic.
    Like some kind of unfilled Prophecy.
    Crazy.
    It had a nice flow to it,
    i liked.
    Write on.


    Valle_Siddious
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Valle_Siddious | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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