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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Behind These Doors part 1dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kataclysmic
    ASL Info:    14 f philippines
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 47/37/8
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Mirror or Mask
    Total Views: 826
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 601



    Description:
       this is how i feel.. this is me....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBehind These Doors part 1dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Living a perfect lie
    My life so complete
    My smile plastered on
    Never in defeat

    My life is ruined
    I cry at night
    I cut to feel
    But everything is alright

    Stuck in a detergent commercial
    I wish to break free
    To show everyone
    The true person in me

    Behind these doors
    I experience pain
    I suffer through trials
    And try in vain

    I want to show you my world
    I want to scream it in chant
    But sadly I know
    That I absolutely canít





    Submitted on 2005-07-13 16:25:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      your life is so sad...but the way you expressed it...wow... you should try looking at the bright side sometime...it would do you good...
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by kokew... | [ Reply to This ]
      my first impression of this was wow, it sounds like my writing somewhat and its depressing. the cutting part i can relate to i used to do that alot and its addicting. sometimes you just do it to do it and for no other reason.

    your poem has a good flow but was thrown off a little bit. it has alot of feeling and if this is about your life just know that there are other people out there who feel the same way.
    x0x0x0muchlove-ash
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by DanceADream | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey! Saw your name in the shoutbox so stopped by as you suggested. =] I like the rhyme scheme, it shows that you thought through the poem instead of writing whatever comes to mind.

    I guess this particular line is where the flow seems to break up a bit: "Stuck in a detergent commercial." It's a bit longer than all your other lines syllabically, and I'm wondering- stuck in a detergent commercial eh? You mean one of those bears that are included in the Charmin/Downy[i forgot the names] commercials? xP Or were you seriously in a detergent commercial? Hehe.

    "I cut to feel / But everything is alright"
    These two lines are lacking- perhaps give them just a bit more detail. You cut to feel... then how/why is everything "alright"? And I have a feeling it should be "all right." Hm someone check me up on this.

    First impressssions- a depressing kind of poem. The cutting part is scary. It's a common type of poem, but I also like the get to the point style. Nice read! Come back to it in a year or two and give it a total makeover. You'll surprise yourself with how much it'll change. =]

    -F
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
      It had a nice flow, but towards the middle of the poem, it was slighly thrown off. I like the "get-to-the-point" style, though. Good job.

    -please remember to try and take a look at my latest poem as well, thank you-
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by Yclipse | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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