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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Paul *revised*dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Adaria
    ASL Info:    20/F/AR
    Elite Ratio:    4.41 - 39/38/14
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 845
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1178



    Description:
       Changed the ending, but still not sure about it. Can't say if it's better or worse...

    Oh, by the way, this is for my friend Paul, who was nice enough to let me use one of his memories.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPaul *revised*dots
    -------------------------------------------


    He was walking alone again under the cold sky
    His thoughts plaguing,
    Making him seemingly emotionless and stiff with depression
    Just walking down that normal street with the same faceless people hurrying about their lives.
    His melancholy soul lifted his head to take a deep breath of the chilled air,
    And in relieving his cool sigh, his somber eyes met with another pair
    They held, and this boy gazed upon this beautiful stranger
    Almond eyes, silky black hair, and perfect lips forming the cutest smile
    And he smiled back at the charming girl walking towards him.
    The two slowed their pace until they gently collided,
    And for that fleeting moment his mind was cleared of all afflictions.
    Then she backed away.
    He was left staring after the beauty that had brushed his lips,
    Watching, unsure of what to think.
    She turned on her retreat,
    Giving him a sly wink before she disappeared amongst the crowd.
    He was left walking alone again under the cold sky,
    A unique smile showing his mind,
    And his thoughts,
    Focused on his favorite stranger.




    Submitted on 2005-07-13 17:00:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      heh, it's weird being talked about in poem form.
    I love it in this revison, just as I have in the others and I think the ending has the best feel, it would be a shame to change it. <3 to you sister.
    | Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by Paul 2.0 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very cool. Chance meetings are so romantic. I like the way you explained how Paul was before seeing the girl and afterwards, eventhough he ended up still alone. You created a nice scenery about what was going on around Paul, setting the format for his mind frame. Good Job.
    Maggie
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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