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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Thoughts of a killer.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ChaosSubmission
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 18/30/8
    Words: 230
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 875
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1579



    Description:
       Um...not so sure what to say about this. I kind of just made it up on the spot. Comments that could help me would be awesome though.

    --EDIT--
    Thanks so much to the people who gave me suggestions, it means a lot. And seriously...i can't remember writing this hehe.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThoughts of a killer.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Breathe.
    The rough air filling my scratchy throat.
    Nervousness.
    It consumes me.

    Have the fear,
    belong to it.
    You should have no worries my dear,
    It will only hurt a bit.

    Slowly,
    I will cut off your oxygen,
    Leaving you gasping.
    I hope you're ready for this.

    Maybe i should slit your throat,
    Blood spilling over your new dress.
    White like a dove,
    Turning crimson like the evening sky.

    Beginning of a new night.
    Who do i kill this time?
    Who has shamed the moon?

    The routine of a killer,
    Goes something like this.
    Everynight,
    Everyday,
    These thoughts melt their minds away.

    They belong to this madness,
    They give in to it.
    The most complex of minds,
    We do not understand.

    We shun them and sentance them to death,
    Yet they are sharper than the knives they use to kill us with.
    Their blood blacker than the darkest of nights.

    They will hunt you down,
    Rip parts of your skin off,
    Tossing it away,
    Laughing.

    Don't be afraid though.
    You'll only live for a short time in their hands,
    Before you're dead.
    Before you reach the wandering lands of ghosts.

    These are the thoughts you'll go through,
    before they twist your head,
    making it go snap.









    Submitted on 2005-07-13 20:45:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i really liked this. as rain said, this could go from good to awesome if you work with it a little. first drafts are like clay, they need a little moulding before they are ready to sell. some of the stanzas end a little weird. like, for instance-

    "They will hunt you down,
    Rip parts of you and throw them,
    Laughing."

    Might work better as

    They will hunt you down,
    Rip parts of you,
    Throw them down,
    With a demon's laugh.

    something like that would help to break it up so that it seems higher paced and more urgent, and it throws in some more imagery. i think with a little work this peice could slay the competition.
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by brokenroses | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very powerful poem. I think saying that killers are smart is too much of a compliment. The fact is they lack a conscience, making it easy for them to kill. The fear of being caught makes them cover up their trail, that's not smart but decietful. Overall, nice wordplay.
    Maggie
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Good job. It needs work, but things made up on the spot usually need to be revised.

    If I may make a suggestion or two.

    "Beginning of a new night.
    Who do i kill tonight?
    Who has shamed the moon?"

    Here in this stanza you end in night in the two first lines, try using a different word. Maybe,

    Beginning of a new night.
    Who do i kill this time?
    Who has shamed the moon?

    I think that's the only thing I saw, but I could be mistaken. Great start. Keep working on it and Im sure you will have a "killer" piece.

    Rain
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmmm...very thought provoking. If killers are so smart though, then why do they get caught? Is it because they are smart enough to realize they should stop what they are doing and somehow "turn themselves in"? Or is it because they are actually too conceited to realize that there is someone out there smarter than them? Hmmmm...I dunno, just know that I enjoyed reading this and thought of CSI scenes throughout. Nice post. Have a good one and keep smilin'
    | Posted on 2005-07-13 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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