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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Leashdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 581
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 997



    Description:
       Not my best work, I know, but I just got an image of myself being on one of those leashes where they give you just enough room to feel like you're free and then yank you back. And guess who was holding the other end? Sorry if it disappoints, but I felt I had to share it. Me and a friend were talking about how every time I seem to get better, he does something and it all starts all over again. This is a reflection on that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLeashdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I saw you standing there, and I
    Turned to go the other way
    With all that's happened between us, I
    Am not sure of what I should say
    You saw me before I could make my move
    You watched as I turned to go
    you pull me back to you before I can draw
    The breath to tell you no
    I can't help but come back, I'm drawn to you
    Like a moth is to a flame
    And I know that is a tired old cliché
    But I feel exactly the same
    I know I have to get away before
    You destroy everything left inside
    But it seems that a world without your touch
    Is something I just can't abide
    Once again you grab my leash
    I'd almost gotten away
    But you decided that you want me again
    You felt it was time to play
    Again and again you tug on this leash
    You won't let me catch my breath
    You pull me back to you again
    This time there's nothing left




    Submitted on 2005-07-14 08:56:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Good poem. Word usage and rhyming scheme worked great together. Nothing seemed to clash and it slowly and painfully showed the reader the exhaustion you felt. I want to see more of your work soon.
    | Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by HECATE_Sservant | [ Reply to This ]
      This is fair, I agree with the _n3pt, the cliché should go. It seems pretty average as poetry goes, but I noticed it has no true beat, and changes meter repeatedly. Still decent work though.

    Storm
    | Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]
      You accomplish the "feel" you were going for. The cliché line should just be eliminated. Sorry.

    Like a moth is to a flame
    And I know that is a tired old cliché

    As the reader, I already insert the analogy when you say "I'm drawn to you."

    I disagree with you, however, this is a good poem. Might need a little tweeking, but what poem doesn't, right?
    | Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by _n3pt | [ Reply to This ]
      What are you taliking about. this is good. Very good imagery. The only thing I'd change would be the line "again and again you jerk on this leash." The poem has this kind of soft, non-chalant air to it. Like it's just stating the way it is. that resistance is futile. Jerk is kind of harsh. Maybe use retract or pull...or something. Whatever. Great job!
    -Catina
    | Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by Boom-boom | [ Reply to This ]


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