I dislike how you rhymed in the first stanza ABAB and then cut it off... it's frustrating when poets do this... I also had a prblem with the ending "No one will ever know" It just seemed like a rather cheesy way to finish this piece... I do like how you put in how he suddenly changed his mind mid jump because it really does happen that way... I know because I attempted suicide before I swallowed a bottle of Percocet 10s and drank about a fifth of vodka and only after I had resigned myself to death did I think of what I was leaving behind... I called 911 and told them what I did and then I was rushed to the hospital... That charcoal sht they give you is horrible by the way... Anyway, though I didn't like the abrupt end to the rhyme and I think the ending could use some work, I liked this piece because it was real... It really happens like this... I mean I thought ahead and left a note when I did it, but I can easily imagine a guy just impulsively deciding to die and not telling anyone why... Good job, keep up the writing
Thats like (and don't freak out, it is an old habbit) everytime I touched the blade to my wrist to finally end it all, I would think of everything in my life. My sisters, my brothers, my mom, my dad...my nephew and niece...they would grow up never knowing me...then I would think about how my nephews father had died before the child was even born...and I think to myself "Do I wish this upon the child? Must he go through this again...who am I to do this to the ones I hold so close to my heart." Death always seems a good outlet to getting through the pain...but think of all the pain you cause by doing so. You leave so much behind...things you took for granted...people you thought never really cared...but you were hurting so bad, you shut yourself off...so they weren't able to show you hw much you really meant to them. *Sighs* People don't just "get over" the things in there past...but ending your future is never the right answer.
...sorry...off on one of my rants again... Thank you for allowing me to think and share my thoughts. Bon
There are a few missed letters, and I don't quite grasp i t: if he loved his family, why did he kill himself? It's very sad, but seems like an original poem, and...um... I don't really have much to say...sorry...
Hey. Nice piece. Really emotional. I have to ask, is there any connection to this piece and your journal? Um...I know this is a very emotional piece and I hate pointing out things, but they are really noticable. There are some spelling errors, they look like you were in a hurry and just forgot a letter. Good piece
It so sad it's when you realize what you lost that it matters. Your poem seem realistic of someone with second thoughts. I think the man did not want to die but wanted relief from the problems of lie instead. He saw his drastic plan unfoil before his eyes. But it was to late. Could the tear drop show his last plea for help unanwsered? Or regret for what he just done? Anyways, this a good poem. You pulled the reader in to this man's pain. Maggie