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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lovelessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Emma_closes
    ASL Info:    15/f/fl
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 88/111/44
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 240
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 675



    Description:
       I wrote this while I was sitting in the rain in my aunt's back yard. I had the mental image of an old woman sitting (in a similar situation) in the park, and the story sort of came to me in pieces.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLovelessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You can see a lovelessness
    of not loving
    and not being loved
    etched into her eyes,
    pouring through her skin.
    She leaves a loveless imprint
    -her only lasting memory-
    it eats away the grass.
    Her eyes have been quite aged
    from the time when they would shine,
    but her children
    they have come and gone;
    and gone with a resounding noise,
    leaving only their echoes
    that pronounce themselves within her smile
    that is so razor thin.


    The sky began to cloud,
    and distantly she rose
    leaving just a loveless echo
    that festered in the grass




    Submitted on 2005-07-15 16:57:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Oh, this is such a sad poem. What a sad image this gave my mind as I read the words. Very touchingly heartfelt poem about lonliness and the adding that she is older adds more of a distinctive edge and adds to its sadness. The rain in the park as she sits is also a nice touch. Good description of her eyes as well. The second to last line, the word loveless just didnt sit well with me. I felt it was used previously and variety here would help and lonely came to my mind...lonely echo...but it is just my opinion. Overall a well written and very sad poem. Good job with this. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-08 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Very lovely and moving.

    I think sadnees exists to be our teacher and motivator. This plays well into both of those roles.

    I like the alliteration in the first three lines. However I stumbled just a bit on line 6. I am nor certain why, it is just a feeling.

    Unloved or lost love imprint might provide more variety. The lovelessness opens the piece very well, but loveless hear seems to take something awat from that first line.

    Maybe it is just me.

    I enjoyed this.
    | Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      You can see a lovelessness
    of not loving
    and not being loved

    wow these lines were sort of tongue twisters for me.

    This poem is so sad. Nobody should sit in the park in the rain like that. Especially as aged as she. To think that her children have gone, her lover not even mentioned-it leaves me with chills. Oh my god! This is so...I'm cold now. Thank you.

    No...this is good-depressingly good if I might say. Thanks for sharing

    Tracey
    | Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by fiery_eyes | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...this is so sad. Now you've made me afraid of getting old, hehehe. But I have to say, I love the first three lines, because you have to really be reading it to understand it, to understand it lol. It's very sad, wow. Very beautifully written though, and it shows talent. Great job to ya.
    Peace and love,
    Aya
    | Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      ohh my this is so depressing. im getting near the over the hill age ok maybe ten more years but its coming when I read stuff like this I feel bad. it has this feel of being lonely that grips me almost as if it would be better dead then to go through it. id say very good job making me depressed. :( :( mike
    | Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]



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