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    dots Submission Name: The unknowndots

    Author: WandWielder
    ASL Info:    21-f-maryland
    Elite Ratio:    4.42 - 55/62/16
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/Society
    Total Views: 719
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1063


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    dotsThe unknowndots

    The man walks down the dock
    Hearing the children laughing in the rippling water below
    Feeling the trailing ends of their splashing landing cold on his skin
    Seeing the long horizon and shining deep water ahead
    He walks down the center
    Hearing the gulls call in the air
    Feeling the wind blow across his clammy skin
    Seeing the end of the dock leering straight ahead
    He walks weary and cautious down the center
    Hearing their fun from the depths
    Feeling his muscles tighten as the fear grows
    Seeing the water unsteadily and unknown
    The man walks down the dock fear twisting his mind
    Hearing the children laugh at him as they play
    Feeling the trailing ends of their splashing as they taunt him
    Seeing the safe haven of the steady shore
    The man walks on the edge to run
    Hearing the voices of fear from within
    Feeling reassured that steady ground is ahead
    Seeing the safety that he clings to in fear of the unknown

    Submitted on 2005-07-15 20:06:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Nice work, I loved how you repeated the "Hearing, seeing, feeling" I thnk it was a great idea. To me this lacks a little bit of depth, but then again it's the fear of the "unknown" so perhaps that was intended. Overall I enjoyed it, good repetition and description, you variated that well, peace!

    | Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I would hazard a guess and say that your repetition of the words 'hearing, feeling, seeing' is an obvious poetic device you have used here.

    Sure, I agree with the whole idea of trying to incorporate as much of the five senses as you can. But I feel that it kind of overwhelmed me, the same words used at the beginning. Reading it for the first few times, then subconsciously glossing over it, you know what I mean?

    Perhaps breaking this poem up into four line stanzas might help. Or finding different words for hearing, feeling, seeing. Perhaps interchanging them every second stanza.... I'm not sure if this critique will help, but I hope it does. It was a nice read...

    | Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      phobia? fear? the fear of something unknown is always something that grips people. it's too bad too...it prevents people from doing a lot of [censored] that might be fulfilling and worthwhile, as well as things that may be needed, like saving someone, but that boils down to the fight or flight response. but you got this pretty well...the ending was ok...he saw it instead of actually reaching it..so did the unknown trap him? just what i felt about the piece. catch ya later...

    | Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]

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