Today's Journey by Traveller

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Today's Journey dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Traveller
ASL Info:	43/Male/Alaska
Elite Ratio:	5.33 - 59/46/7
Words:	166

Class/Type:	Poetry/Happy
Total Views:	255
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1024

Description:
When read aloud I increase the tempo as the awareness of danger increases until the end when the danger passes. It is meant to feel light. I hope you like it.

Today's Journey dots

-------------------------------------------

I think I'll fly away today,
to someplace very far away,
I do not know just where to go,
I guess I never really know.

My wings will carry me aloft,
the breezes start out nice and soft,
the wind that blows me to and fro,
and where it travels, there I'll go.

It lifts me up and sets me down,
around in circles, round and round,
I flap my wings, it does the rest,
but on my own I do my best.

Up in the air, down to the ground,
tighter it holds me all around,
It grips me tighter in its grasp,
and still tighter until I gasp.

Flying around I dance with death,
trying to catch another breath,
weak as I am I can't resist,
I'm still determined to persist.

But wait... it stopped and now I'm free,
to find the place that's right for me,
I'll fly around until I light,
upon a blossom in my sight.

Submitted on 2005-07-16 11:16:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I have to say the first stanza sounds like a common start to your average 5th grader's poem.

But from there, it gets a lot better.

A very simplistic, peaceful read. Kind of sounds like a dove flying around in heaven to me. I especially liked your repetition of the word 'tighter' and the way you used grasp/gasp as one of the rhyming pairs in your 4th stanza.

"But wait... it stopped and now I'm free" is a bit abrupt. Perhaps you can add another stanza right before the last one to allow for a smoother and more descriptive transition from tension to freedom.

Your poem was quite beautiful overall. However, it did not evoke any emotions or provoke any interesting thoughts. Try adding a twist to the poem to make it less ordinary.

-Farrah
| Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm, it rolls off the tongue well, but do you have a bigger message inside?

I can infuse the search for love in every line, as we set out on another journey, another love, not knowing how this one will end, and seemingly ever-searching for true love. Caught up in the maelstrom of another affair then choked and almost destroyed by the heartaches of ending it, but surviving, and seeing yet another "blossom" to love yet again.

Of course, if you meant nothing of the sort, and described a bird in a storm, it shows what a dummy I am...
Whatever you meant, I enjoyed the read.

Be Happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  {language expression} these are lines that I like "My wings will carry me aloft, the breezes start out nice and soft," and "Flying around I dance with death, trying to catch another breath," {format} the rhyming format is very nicely done. it is as follows vs 1-2 aa, vs 3-4 bb, vs 5-6 cc, vs 7-8 bb, vs 9-10 dd (near), vs 11-12 ee, vs 13-14 dd, vs 15-16 ff, vs 17-18 gg,vs 19-20 hh, vs 21-22 II, vs 23-24 jj.
{connectivity} all the verses share a special connection and are wonderfully harmonious to all stanzas. {overall} 11 out of 12 perfect set of rhymes not bad at all, 1 near set. trust me I've done it too :). it has a very nice rhythm to it. has a happy tone almost all throughout save a few lines. {opinion/mood} I enjoy reading this it is uplifting and hopeful. {side comment} if someone says forced rhymes dont pay attention they arent forced they are "off" rhymes or "near" rhymes. hopefully I help somewhat, mike :)
| Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh! Now this is really it! This to me is a real great piece. I love nature. "Weak as I am I can't resist". This was a good jolt! Your very last stanza was great! That ending was ideal, and a happy one at that. Every stanza was very descriptive. Your work is truly worth the reading. take care...wanda
| Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, you succeeded in creating that lightness you were aiming for. I enjoyed it, made me feel a bit like I was flying too. The only thing I can see here is that the rhyming is a bit expected. Although the poem was good, there wasn't anything that caught my eye especially... I've seen so many poems like this one. But all in all, it was a sufficient piece. Not bad.
~*Caitlin*~
| Posted on 2005-07-16 00:00:00 | by lorn_strixx | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.