This is a meticulously well crafted piece. Its got rythm and it flows so beautifully..It made me feel so nostalgia and reminds me of the days when I used to gaze at the beautiful scenary at my grans...so well conversed...Very wonderful!
Well, I think that was somehow different! I chose the poem and expected it to be a longing poem which it is! But I expected love longing not sun longing!!
The idea like I said is different and that's a very good thing because people always look for change for something different, something innovative and that what you succeded in doing.
I don't know why did you leave a line between each two lines!! I don't think it's necessary! And I also must say that I didn't feel this piece as a poem! I felt it as a thought, a random thought may be!
The way it was written was good, I found one spelling mistake; "Tommorrow", and you should lose one of the two ms.
The description was simple and to the point and stating the situation clearly and the title of the poem " I wait..." is well chosen and captures the attention of the readers, (it captured mine)!
I don't think I need to talk about images because you chose one of the best images which is the sunset and I don't think there is anything that could match with such an image except the sunrise and the moon on the 14th!
Of course the poem was short which doesn't help in judging.
Anyway, I hope that you find my comment somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
I feel like this would work better as a prose piece because of the fact that each line is an individual sentence. Try some crazy line breaks and enjambment for a new feel to the poem!
Sunsets/sunrises are indeed beautiful and common, and your piece here doesn't quite capture the beauty/sense of longing they evoke. Perhaps it is because the poem is too short, or doesn't really describe the sunset in any new way that is unique. The line "The sun goes down" is awfully simplistic and doesn't fit well with the three subsequent lines that describe it with so many adjectives.
By the way, "Tommorrow" is spelled with one too many m's. Tomorrow is the correct spelling. The line "I say" seems unnecessary- the poem could function just as well without it. The best cure to fixing up a poem is to delete and take stuff out!
oh wow...how beautifully written this is. I just fall in love with the sun each time its sets and rises. You have a knack for writing such beautiful words in such short words.
"Alas, I watch"
As soon as I read this line, I knew I had to continue. And plus your description saying it was a California beach sunset-i love Cali., its amazing there. Now im stuck in Missouri where there are no beaches...anyways this is well written.
hello there. yes you have made an observation, and that may be enough for you/some. but to me that is all this is. for you to take it to the next level and be able to call it poetry i feel you need to do the following: try and make your piece read less like a list. you have a bullet point feel about your words and the way you have constructed them and to me this undermines any kind of freedom or movement. dont just tell us the obvious. we know that the sun shines, we have all seen it. we know its colour and shape; i feel you need to be much more creative in your expression if you are going to recount an event that almost every person has seen a thousand times. remove some of the first person. four i's in such a short piece is off putting and a little careless. remove the extrapolation. the running out of lines one after the other just says to me that you either did not know how to finish a line, start the next or you did not know how to punctuate it.
and of course, this is only the opinion of one, not by any means meant as anything personal,
Hey there. I love this piece. I love pieces in which nature or a concept from nature takes center stage. The sun is such a great symbol to use. I love the fact that you kept this simple. The thought behind this piece is simple so it fits perfectly that you chose simple words and a simple way to convey them.
I myself have been longing for someone in particular. Having just undergone a huge breakup, this piece hits close to home.
I really liked this. I can't really think of anything about it to nit pick. :-)
this one a fabulous. I love sunsets and sunrises. {language expression} favorite line is "I feel its golden red blanket." also these two lines "The beauty lingers in my mind. The sweet caress of its soft light." {my connection} I feel deeply for the reward of a great colorful sunset especially after a full day of the sun trying to blind my eyes! then the dawn after a night when the shadows flee you have the sunrise its a awesome and sometimes an overlooked event. {overall} this moves my heart to read this. it deserves a place on my wall. :) :) :) :) mike well done! im very impressed.
You can just feel the beauty of this poem..of the sunset. Just reading this makes it seem like I am right there with you watching the sun go down. I really like this piece...it is very well written.
Short, sweet but nice. You are right tomorrow is not promised to us. I loved the "sweet caress of its soft light" Such serenity! I see you're from Alaska! This sounds like the sunset I remember in Anchorage. Around the Chugiat Mts. It was splendid! You take care. Nice sweet write! wanda
I believe anything inspired is poetry - whether it rhymes or not and as far as it being just an observation well, that's all us poets are - observers and appreciators! I think anything dedicated to the appreciation of the beauty of nature in now and looking forward to it again, and again is great! Love,Peace,Joy!
Submission Name: I wait...
...anyways this is well written.