Description: One of my earlier works. It was inspired by an interesting exercise my poetry teacher asked us to do in class. She handed out random sheets from a children's encyclopedia sort of thing (where each page focused on one topic), and we had to write about the topic we got, using the vocab listed on the sheet. My topic = medieval churches. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing this for a special friend.
*comments greatly appreciated =]
A Medieval Hero -------------------------------------------
I remember noticing you
as a buttress- a small piece
of my puzzle, yet crucial to its
construction. While my facade
slowly disappeared, weathering
away day by day into chipped
rocks and stones as fragile
as cookie crumbs, you
evolved from an arch
to a dome
to wholly shield me.
With my exterior walls shattered,
I had to embrace your impost;
and with time I discovered in you
a bay into which I could pour
all the worries that had been
nibbling away my life, as if
they were household mice.
When I dropped the length of
the entire column from the
finial, heart first,
you were there to catch
me at the base.
Tall and splendid you always stood,
stronger than even the most
ancient remains of medieval grace.
I am wholly impressed. I like the description you have given it. Also going deeper by actually giving it real purpose. Your flow is great; it flows very well. I like your choice of words. They are very appropriate to the theme and to the context and tone in which this was written. I get the feeling that your "church" is metaphorical for something else, something alive. This might be a very close friend, God, etc. brilliantly done. That's what I think poetry is all about. keep it up!!!!!!!
i think that to really know where this is coming from in terms of the skill you may have used we would need to have seen that sheet you were given. your piece seems well worked and thought out; organisationally it is tight and the diction is succinct. your metaphor between the medieval and the relationship of your characters is also well portrayed.
although i think it reads well, i can not necessarily see why you have used the enjambment technique that you have. to me, to do this there needs to be a concept behind it, i dont think it is enough just to do because you want to, but then you may think this and who am i to question it? to me it is becoming more and more applied to 'normal,' poems and thus the allure of it is dissolving. i liked it when it seemed to be a bit different, and thus applied to poems as such. but this is just my opinion on the structure of a poem, and the choice is yours as to how you organise yours. i think that the word 'wholly,' right in the middle of your piece is very awkward. it draws so much unwanted attention to the word and thus the centre of your work, and feels like a hurdle to me. just removing the word without a replacement makes the piece move better and read better to me. i think you build your poem up well to a nice climax. i would say with what you have been given, even though i do not know what it is, that you have done a good job in making the words [ i would assume such as: buttress- reminds me of a wooden castle, facade- another very architectural word, impost, column and base- again very structural. a good juxtaposition for your metaphor ]
I like the description of a person relating to that of a building. the piecing together not only as a puzzle but as a structure in its entirety. the buttress a piece that is built against a wall. there is no wall mentioned there but it is there nevertheless. the arch means to me a support while the dome is the shelter from the elements perhaps the hardships in life. (reverse to) crucial to construction the sentiment that the person is needed and also shows measure of gratitude. the facade could be defenses or a general persona that is projected. the chipped rocks and stones could be the shortcomings that one has. "With my exterior walls shattered," this could be relative to the facade or could be something that has held someone back from acceptance. I really like this " and with time I discovered in you a bay into which I could pour all the worries that had been nibbling away my life," denotes a river or some water source if looked at literally but deeper if it is a river it is life, a moving force if you are the river pouring into the bay your life along with the sediment of that river has to be equally accepted. the bay in this sense is a continuation of a cycle with a special relationship to the river. but that may be reaching a tad :) (jump to) "the entire column from the finial, heart first, you were there to catch me at the base." the column is your own support, I take it, which gives out and you are saved. the heart first that is a lovely expression I might add. the base could double as your reality or your foundation. the person you are talking about seems like a well grounded individual. well you probably knew most of what I said. I dont know how much help I could have been, mike :)
Wow such a great poem with the words that seem to flow from the tongue rolling off in a vivid strong pictures. I don't see why so many people are giving you crap about this poem. I like it very much so, because the way you wrote it, was as if you were the only constructing the Chapel, Cathedral whatever overpaid christian piece of bricks. By yourself and then it was helping you form it.
The words that I read made me feel as if I was watching this place being built right before my very eyes. And the message? I don;t think you had a message... did you?????????
Oh dear... I can't make up a message for this one ><. Maybe its the tiredness or hungryness (( I don't each much )).... well if I t hink of one I'll post it up.
-Eric "ACommonCold" Chang And the crow was all like