love.hate.war by Blindly-N-Love

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Submission Name: love.hate.war dots

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Author:	Blindly-N-Love
ASL Info:	17/F
Elite Ratio:	4.61 - 197/141/29
Words:	153

Class/Type:	Poetry/BrokenHeart
Total Views:	332
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	959

Description:
I like this.. It was started off like about therapy, but I totally went off into the west with this one. ha. But I think it turned out ok, atleast for one of those love you but i cant do it again kind of poems. Tell me what you think!! Thanks.

love.hate.war dots

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I don't want your damn sympathy.
I'll be brutally honest, There is no need.
I've been torn apart once or twice before.
In this stupid love hate war.
What? You want me back now?
I honestly didn't see that coming. Wow.
It almost takes away my breath,
It's more risky to tango with you, than to dance with death.
You left me for that girl,
You don't know it, but that destroyed my world.
How do I know you wont do it agian?
And that another nightmare wont begin?
I dont want to geel that pain,
And listen to you try to explain.
Because I can't forgive you anymore,
I have learned my lesson from before.
Don't keep asking, you're hurting me still,
If you truly loved me, you will let me go, you will.
There is no doubt that I will always love you,
But this girl you will never persue.

Submitted on 2005-07-17 14:53:44 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  this is rather pretty, but there is room for improvement here...
it's very chopped and piece-y, in places that have no right to be chopped or pieced...
like, "I've been torn apart once or twice before.
In this stupid love hate war. "
the rhyme seems kind of forced, which makes the writing flow awkwardly.
like "It's more risky to tango with you, than to dance with death" -> is longer than fits in with the rest of the poem.
and "If you truly loved me, you will let me go, you will.
There is no doubt that I will always love you,
But this girl you will never persue." -> you used the word "will" so many times it starts to look funny {like how when you say a word over and over, it just sounds like a strange babble after a while... lol}
don't get me wrong, it's a good piece with a lot of potential. most importantly there's a lot of sincere emotion behind it.
keep it up.
| Posted on 2005-11-25 00:00:00 | by mordantveracity | [ Reply to This ]
  now this poem encompasses a genuie reaction to betrayal that is displayed here is excellent.

The pain and the hurt are compelled by the reaction in its rythmic flow.

Keep up the passion and the good work.
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Unicrom | [ Reply to This ]
  Besides typos this was pretty good until the ending. I think you need to add something to just make it punch so that readers and especially he will get the point! That "last line killer" stuff. Other than that great work and you made some greta points throughout. Wise teenager.

X
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ]
  *whistles* not bad at all...a real in your face go at a past love.
Yeah, nicely done. Interesting way of rhyming it, I spoke it out loud, it's great that way!

my only crit would be the lame finish, you coulda brought the axe down instead of just pulling down the blind, ya know what I mean?

Great stuff!

be Happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmm...I don't know what to think about this poem. Overall, it was good, but there were a couple things that caught me up. Couple of typos (geel instead of feel, persue instead of pursue) and I think the ending definitely could be stronger. But I loved the raw emotion in this, you pulled me into this dilemma you're facing. I love the line:
"It's more risky to tango with you, than to dance with death."
The image is a wonderful description of the depth of your feelings. I completely sympathize with your heart-ache, I'm going through the same thing right now too. Don't give up, there's someone out there who's just perfect for you :) With a little polish, this poem will be beautiful. Keep looking on the bright side.
~Jen~
| Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by Jengrr | [ Reply to This ]

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