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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: [goodbye.for.now]dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: serge
    ASL Info:    17/male/Maine
    Elite Ratio:    6 - 20/12/4
    Words: 354
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 224
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2263



    Description:
       this is pretty recent, me and my band have been messing with it but i dont know if we are gonna use it because it doesnt seem our genre (hard rock/metal/industrial experimental)
    im moving to florida in september. thats a loooong ways a way.
    thoughts appreciated :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots[goodbye.for.now]dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Good excuses to unknown lies.
    Those clever little alibis.

    You should have just told me that you would never hold me.
    lovely, lonely, cozy little junkie.
    Years gone from wondering, Years gone to waste
    i could have been gone.
    So wrong, so long.
    i could have made haste
    setting the pace to 'race'.

    You kept them all up in a box
    i was surprised;
    you were a fox.
    Why would anyone keep my things?
    it made me so happy...
    like a new crowned king.
    I found a friend who truely cared
    though you weren't quite ready
    to take that dare.
    High school relationships never last
    you didn't want us to be in the past.
    It took me a while to understand.
    still my heart was full of sand.

    I hope when we go our seperate ways
    someday maybe your mind will change
    maybe you'll give it a thought or two
    But the only thing now i can really do
    is hope and wish that someday ...
    maybe if i begin to pray...
    i'll stop sounding like such a fool
    and you'll begin to love me too

    Goodbye for now, i hate to say.
    i'm going to think of you every day
    You've helped me through some pretty tough times
    id like you to know that your problems are mine
    i hope when your burdens gather too strong
    maybe you'll read this little song?

    think of the boy you used to know
    and wonder if maybe he misses the snow.
    wonder if he misses the trees
    wonder if he misses the breeze
    He doesnt. Not really.
    He misses what he left behind already.
    He left behind his future.
    he left behind his hope.
    he left behind his greatest gift,
    And also the hardest one to find...
    it was you that the boy sadly left behind

    You should have just told me that you would never hold me.
    lovely, lonely, cozy little junkie.
    Years gone from wondering, Years gone to waste
    i could have been gone.
    So wrong, so long.
    i could have made haste
    setting the pace to 'race'




    Submitted on 2005-07-17 16:06:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think what you have here is really good material for a song.
    But when I think of songs, I want to pare down everything
    that is said and make one idea leave with the listener.
    Is it that she was a friend? that she saved the things you gave her? that you didn't know she cared?
    that you want to thank her for being there?
    are you trying to say I love you, but really can't do it?

    In order for language to communicate ideas, simple is best.
    Honestly, you stammered all over alot of ideas
    but none of them seen strong enough to make this fly.

    ok, now you've suffered through my long expose...

    what are you trying to say?
    Now, write the song with that idea in mind. And let me know cause I would love to see it, thanks.
    peace and love,
    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      You've said somewhere else that you don't want suggestions because you won't change lyrics you've already written. That's cool, I can empathise with that.
    I would suggest that when you write them down, however, that you capitalise the first letter of each like and the 'I's, it just makes it present more professionally.
    There are some lines in here I'd consider weak links, but over all, the sentiment is really nice, I like it, and you have some little gems in there, a couple of little lines that make me think 'In a couple of years, this guy could be a really great songwriter'.
    Without a doubt, the best line in here is:
    lovely, lonely, cozy little junkie
    That's the really kind of evocative thing that says so much in so few words. The kind of thing I wish I could come up with.
    My main suggestion for you in the future is not to construct lines around getting the rhyme at the end, try and go back and change things and change the inital line until you find a rhyme that works and doesn't sound like you put it there just to rhyme.
    If you have to do it, and let's face it, we all do sometimes, it's best to make the rhyming line something very odd that doesn't quite make sense, it gives more scope for potential interpretation, and it just plain sounds better.
    In fact, you have a couple of very good examples right here in this song.
    For example:
    i was surprised;
    you were a fox.

    Is really weak, and sounds forced to me, however:
    It took me a while to understand.
    still my heart was full of sand.

    Is much, MUCH better. It's a very strong line despite being constructed to get the rhyme.
    Oh, and remember you don't have to write in rhyming couplets. ABAB etc works really well in songwriting, and it reads better when there's no music there to back it up.
    Best of luck!
    | Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ]



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