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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sandcastle Mendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Superman
    ASL Info:    21 Lady
    Elite Ratio:    7.37 - 695/377/71
    Words: 203
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Serious
    Total Views: 1493
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1413



    Description:
       I really like this.


    But, as usual, it probably needs work. So rip me up! Its my sedcond stab at lyrics...


    I'm coming out of a relationship, too, if you cant tell.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSandcastle Mendots
    -------------------------------------------


    I hope you dont think I've forgotten you
    sitting parallel the shoreline,
    you were fun while you lasted.
    Your delicate figure,
    your tanned perfection,
    the fortress I created.

    I'm sorry to leave you.

    Sandcastle men cant save you now,
    I'd salvage you from the ocean
    but the current has swept
    every bitter piece of your exsistence
    and I enjoy watching
    you scramble as the walls come falling down.

    We'll drink to your health,
    to your safety
    and tomorrow when the morning comes
    I'll bring a shovel and a feather,
    to mark you grave,
    and show respect.
    for those valiant sandcastle men
    who tried to save you.

    We'll drink to your words,
    to your screams and your laughter
    and at dusk we'll walk the shoreline
    write I love you in the wet sand
    and watch the waves rips it apart-
    the tides coming in,
    the castle walls have faltered
    a heap remains where I have built you.

    Sandcastle men cant save you now,
    I'd salvage you from the ocean
    but the current has swept
    every bitter piece of your exsistence
    and I enjoy watching
    you scramble as the walls come falling down.

    I leave the beach tomorrow.




    Submitted on 2005-07-17 16:28:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Very good ,it reminded me of a book I read about woman who escaped reality by creating sand sculptures.She meets a little girl who turns out to be her as a child.Anyway when the tide came in her heart went out as her sculpture was destroyed.
    Keep up the good work and if you get a chance come read some of my stuff and tell me what you think ok?
    | Posted on 2005-11-02 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      You know what I think Kayla. (As posted in livejournal) I love that poem, and it's heartbreaking because I know what it's about. Good job.
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by frozenconscienc | [ Reply to This ]
      this was good, very mean tho... btw i'm really sorry i couldnt get back to you about the historian thingy! did you win?

    anyway back to business, yes this isnt the stereotyped song. there's very little rhyming, which is ok, since you can definitely have songs without rhyming. i could notice the links to some relationship. you were very mean though. i suppose it was a brittle relationship because it was metaphored with sand. by the way why are almost all of your writes realated to the sea or the beach?

    anyway, it was good, except for the few typos already mentioned! and i love the last line! this wasnt such a bad try, in fact a very good one!! keep it up! btw read my latest piece please!

    Zu
    | Posted on 2005-07-23 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow to me I think this was incredible. I loved how you used every line. I loved the chorus the verses.. Everything. I think was a really powerful write. It was a nice cute write and I know it is a sad write also. I think you came up with something really good.

    I hope you dont think I've forgotten you
    sitting parallel the shoreline,
    you were fun while you lasted.
    Your delicate figure,
    your tanned perfection,
    the fortress I created.

    I completely liked every line. I need to add this to my favorites. I never heard of anything like it. Its original. I completely love it.
    To me I don't think you need any work done on it. To me I think you did a fabulous job.. Maybe thats just me. If you really do think you need to change something. I don't think I am the person. Cause I found nothing wrong with it. Sorry aboutt aht one.

    Stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      Great job w/ this. I love the wording and the meter. I don't think, in fact I know, I've never seen a relationship/ love in the form of a sand castle. It's kind of sad, but completely understandable. You've got a lot of emotion here and a very original way of looking at this situation. This is another great piece kayla; good write.
    J
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I have no idea what Yousef is talking about, because this bit seems to be the chorus -
    'Sandcastle men cant save you now,
    I'd salvage you from the ocean
    but the current has swept
    every bitter piece of your exsistence (existence)
    and I enjoy watching
    you scramble as the walls come falling down.'
    - Right?

    I read through this, humming as I went along, and it sort of came out 'Incubus-sounding' - know what I mean? Soft and lilting and talking of emotions and natural forces.

    I really did like this. It's nice how there is no cheesy rhyme scheme which is normally associated with lyrics. The best lyrics are often poems that have been slightly edited to fit the music better. But that is just my experience from writing songs myself.

    I honestly did enjoy this, I could hear imaginary music :)
    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, it has been a long time since I last read your posts and I apologize for that for sure! I noticed two things before getting deeply into the poem, first is that you started to write more serious poetry or lyrics lately! Second is that I didn't find this as a lyrics nor serious too!!

    And let's talk about that in details; I must say that I didn't feel that this is a lyrics at all until I read that it's a lyrics!! There were no chorus! I know that it's not a must for a lyrics to have chorus but it boosts the lyrics! I felt as if I am reading a prose or may be a random thought or even a poem!

    The second thing that I don't think it's serious because I think it's more of "emotional" or "Passion", to me!!

    After what I said up there you might think that I don't like and that's ABSOLUTELY wrong, in fact I loved it!! It was very well written except small spelling mistake in the last line where it should be "have", and may be the fifth line in the third stanza saying;

    "to mark you grave", and I think you might have missed "r" in your!! Other than that it was very beautiful, very sincere, very emotional, you totally succeeded in transfering your emotions to the reader (me) through words and that's great for sure.

    So many emotions in this one, like; Anger, Hatred, and may be longing too!! The anger and the hatred were very obvious like in the line saying;

    " I enjoy watching you scramble as the walls come falling down"

    And I don't understand the line saying "for those valiant sandcastle men
    you tried to save you."!!

    The images you created were very beautiful and well constructed too, also the last line (the finale was well written), saying;

    "I leave the beach tomorrow."

    Anyway, I hope that you find my comment somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-07-17 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      I wasn't expecting someone with the "superman" alias, to be such a kindhearted person.

    I love poems that are rich with symbolism, and this takes the cake, well...it at least takes the sandcastle along x-)

    It reminded me of what it is to make a mistake, and try desparately to make amends with someone you hurt but didn't mean to.
    Be it a lost goodbye, a broken heart that didn't have to be, or someone you walked right past and feel like you made the gravest error you'll ever make.

    And theres just something about watching someone walk away..like an electricity in the air.
    When reading this poem, I imagined the sandcastle looking at me as I walked away from it...and everytime i turned around, it got smaller and smaller, as the shore slowly and steadily took its toll on it's survival.
    I'll just say this...
    I love this poem.

    -Ishoes
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by iShoes | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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