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She Must Have Been a Dream...


Author: Yousef
ASL Info:    26/M/Egypt
Elite Ratio:    8 - 468 /203 /22
Words: 220
Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Love
Total Views: 1514
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 945



Description:


Sometimes dreams look so real that might make us think it's true but it is not!


She Must Have Been a Dream...



At last I found her!

She came out of no where
Like a sweet breeze in a summer night

Her eyes are deep like the ocean
Her hair is dark like the shadow
And her face is beautiful like the moon on the 14th

We walk together on the beach
And listen to the waves of the ocean

In the morning
I see the sunrise in her eyes
And in the evening
I see the reflection of the moon on her face

Before we go to sleep
I told her;
"Promise me you will always be there"
And she did!
She promised she'll be there till the end of time

We went to sleep
But when I wake up
She wasn't there!!

And now I know
She must have been a dream!

Yousef Hani




Submitted on 2005-07-18 03:13:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  well...
i must say its really very cute. the story does seem a little on the easy side for you though. i did enjoy it, the end was somewhat sad. sad in the way that you had thought that you had finally found HER and then in what must have seemed like the blink of an eye, she was just gone. but in a different way it leaves me with the fact that all we have are dreams. some may come to life , other may simply fall away ...
but in the begining it always starts with a dream. maybe, instead of leaving people with sadness it should leave them with hope.
just a thought,
J
| Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by butterfly wings | [ Reply to This ]
  Josef, you've got to go back and change that ending. It's to abrupt and you make it definately to be a dream. The title suggests that she "MUST". This suggests some uncertainty. Work with that. Don't be so blunt in the ending. Make us wonder, was she really a dream girl, or just a dream with the dream girl. hehehe!!!! I get confused too...

I like how you say something and then continue with that in another verse or stanza, totally seperate from the first mention, and kinda create a verse rhyme thing. Does this make sense?

You chose the clichés route of describing things. I guess that's why they are clichés - cause they work!!!! Good job!!!!

The 3rd verse stood out for me. It's really original and it makes me wonder what's up with the 14th?? February 14th?? Hehehe!!! If it's that, great intwining that with this.

I like your intro. It's bold. Confident. It's like it's something definite. That's why the ending kinda disappoints. Not saying it should be a happy ending. Just saying, keep us guessing. Leave us the option of making up our own minds as to the truth of it all.

Lata, Bro!!!!!!!!
| Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh my goodness, this is incredibly sad. I like almost like cried it was so sad. Ok, so I am ver emotional, but this is a special poem indeed, because not a lot of poems get me this emotional, only the good ones. Anyhow, it was beautiful. because I could picture you walking along the beach, and I could feel your emotions as I read the words, and then when she promised you it was like, so oh my gosh, did this actually happen, but you woke up, and she wasn't there. You were the cat, and she was the yarn, and they yanked her from you. But maybe she will be there until the end of time. She'll always be in your dreams, and in your mind. This is terribly sad though, I thought. This is quite original, indeed, and I loved it. Awesome job.
Peace and love,
Aya
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmmm...looks like both of us are on the ends of the same spectrum. In your poem you have described about a dream where you have pictured "her" on a beach, in mine, it was reality!

Hey, if you are still single, trust me, the day you do go to the beach with her will be the most special!

You started off well, but the ending was less romantic. And in the 4th, 5th and 6th lines, you don't need to repeatedly use is/are...a suggestion-

Her eyes are deep like an ocean
Her hair, dark like a shadow
Her face so beautiful like the moon on the 14th

Before we go to sleep
I told her; (grammar mistake)

Before we went to sleep
I told her;


Try to maintain the depth of emotion till the end of the poem.

Final Judgement: You are right on track, just need to do some changes with punctuation, grammar & ending and you'll have a good poem.

All the best!
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by Bobby_Dzyre | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow I really enjoyed this poem. Very deep I like it. Well anyways do you actually think that dreams are real.? Cause I do. sometimes I will have a dream of something, or think of something and it sometimes come true. It is so weird. I don't know for a fact, dreams always seem real. But I don't know how to tell the real ones from the fake ones. Maybe the ones that you want to happen, dont. And the ones you dont want to happen, happen.

Well its all confusing. But I hate having those dreams... for me dreaming about the perfect boy for me. I will just stay in bed just to dream more... but I wish someday I will actaully get that dream guy.

Hope you get your dream girl too

Stephanie
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
  hey Yousef,
I really ebjoyed this poem. I was a little overwhelmed at this dream girl's beauty. It makes you sound as though that is all you noticed, that is if she wasn't just a dream.

The thing that really drew my attention away from the rest of the poem was your really short sentences. I would have liked you to describe the way her voice would have sounded laughing on the summer beach.

I did enjoy your poem very much and this was my favorite line. "She promised she'll be there till the end of time" This may seem a little cliché for me but it fits in perfectly.

The line I wanted to fix the most was. "And she did!" I think that you could have better described the poem, but I still really liked your poem. Keep writing!

~much love~
Imaginth
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by Imaginth | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi! Nice write I agree. Some minor suggestions if you're looking for some changes.

"Like a sweet breeze in a summer night" Try "on a summer night?"

I think some commas/periods in appropriate places might enhance the flow and poem as a whole. For example, try a comma here:
"She came out of no where,
Like a sweet breeze in a summer night"

I like the capitals. They seem to work nicely here.

Consider the following changes? =]
"Her eyes are deep like the ocean;
Her hair, dark like the(replace like the with as a?) shadow (what shadow?)
Her face, beautiful like the moon on the 14th
I like that little detail you added about the moon on the 14th. Very sweet and... it shows that the writer is considerate of the little details.

This stanza
"In the morning
I see the sunrise in her eyes
And in the evening
I see the reflection of the moon on her face"
can be punctuated for a better effect. Nice imagery, though a bit cliché (sunrise in her eyes).

The ending seems a bit hasty/lame. It's like I found this beautiful girl, she's the one, we go to sleep, and then I wake up and she's not there! Maybe try a more poetic/less simplistic way of expressing it.

Love the way you ended the poem w/ those two lines. =]

Great read!

-F
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
  woa, deep stuff here actually. love the imagery, very precise and cool.

you work pretty flows, and I just love they way you started " at last i found her"
this kind of gives the reader the ippression that nothing else will go wrong,

you gave the reader that suspension, that "what more will come"

well in the end you sort of lost trak on the point of ya poem, I can't really say where, but dude, you cool.

this is a nice poem really, coz it reminds me of the other poem that wrote the guy I loved, gave me all these lovely momemts rigth? and th next minute he was gone and there was no more "us", it was just "me"

Another reason this poem can be a classic is that it's fresh and feels original, I love dude!

ROCK ON !
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by Writer Chic | [ Reply to This ]


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