A cry for world peace by Writer Chic

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Submission Name: A cry for world peace dots

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Author:	Writer Chic
ASL Info:	15/F/at my house
Elite Ratio:	4.83 - 100/101/26
Words:	139

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	280
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	905

Description:
yo guys, I hope that when you read this, you

understand the depth and and meaning of this

poem, I wrote after days of consideration and

things like that, I basically talk about the world

and things are definitely wrong with it,

A cry for world peace dots

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From a distance,
I can hear voices.
Pleading voices, crying in anguish.
my heart sinks deeper,
Whenever I hear them.

Making sounds of pain,
I see they need my help.
over and over,
They cry in pain,
for everlasting peace.

All around me I can hear them.
they haunt me,
enclosing me in an atmosphere of pain.
Screaming at me,
shouting at me.

They are wounded,
stuck in a deep black sea.
I can feel that they are suffering
Though indistinct and subtle,
the voices haunt me to a sickness

I try hard to ignore the voices,
but they’re too troubled to diminish.
I can’t stand their cries,
I need to stop this cry for world peace
I need to give them world peace

Submitted on 2005-07-18 04:47:24 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  An interesting piece. I think some words are used a bit too often - voices being on of them. Maybe you are hearing OUR African voices screaming for help. Hehehe!!!!!!!!! You write with empathy, you do seem to care in this piece, but that's all it is about. What about writing how you can aid in world peace?? No single person or nation can accomplish this. Each single individual can therefore play a role.

I did like your poem though... It just kinda left me empty.

Lata
| Posted on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
  This is an okay poem...but to be honest, reference to 'world peace' is over-used.
I hate to sound so pesstimistic but why write of this when, in the end, a dent is not made-it's just another brick in the wall..nothing-else...
but beyond that...this was a good poem...
so, thank-you for this share and even though things won't change it's nice to read different versions of 'world peace'
-stacey-
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this. However, the fact that you made a typeo the title sort of turned me off, however I understand that typoes happen (they happen to me often enough). So that was no big deal.

I did think, however that you may have used the words 'peace' and 'voices' a little too much. Maybe a couple replacement words would be helpful?

About the message I must agree with you in full. This war, this time, and this anguish is doing nothing for anyone and we really must learn to listen to the millions of voices that are crying out for peace. I think you had a very powerful, very moving way of displaying your thoughts and I liked this piece on the whole.

It really is time for peace.

Best wishes and best of luck,

=Emma=
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by Emma_closes | [ Reply to This ]
  I like how you've written this line in first person: your message (especially clear in the last 2 lines) is not that someone somewhere should do something to stop the conflict, but that it is the responsibility of everyone. At least that what I got from it anyway.

There are a few lines in this that seem to be redundant:
"I see that they are not at peace." - this much is obvious.

Also:
"All around me...
They surround me"
That's really saying the same thing twice.

On the whole, a good poem. But I think a bit of editing could make it much tighter. But well done for tackling such an important subject.

Thanks for sharing
xxx
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
  Sorry, I meant "A cry for worl peace" in that first line of my previous comment lol =P

Check out some of more pieces later if you'd like xD.
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi! I now see that your title 'A cry for worl piece" must be a typo after I read your poem and where was no play on words anywhere.

Maybe this line/these two lines was/were intentional but the grammar bothers me. lol I'm a grammar freak when it comes to reviewing other people's [and my own] writing =X.
"From a distance / I can hear voice"
You can try: From a distance I can hear a voice
From a distance I can hear voices
or possibly, just possibly, if you personify the voice:
From a distance I can hear Voice.
What do ya think? =]

This was a nice piece to reinforce today's problems that so many of us too often overlook. I think a mentioning of specific world problems with specific place names will add to your poem. Your poem has so much repetition of voices/me/I/peace/pain that it loses its effect. Repetition should be used wisely to help the poem build an image or effect, not randomly, or else there's no point in using it.

Nice try on addressing a topic that so many of us writers refrain from. But I think a second try won't hurt. =]

Thanks for the read!
-F
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
  a some what hypnotic piece, the repetiveness of me, might be a little to much, but, that said it's absoultely wonderful...one suggestion (a very minor one at that

I try hard to ignore the voices,
but they’re too troubled to diminish.
I can’t stand their cries,
I need to stop this cry for world peace
I need to give them their world peace

last line of this stanza, try,:

I need to give them world peace

(their makes is a little redundant, because you've already said them.)

Great Job and keep em coming, I like pieces that can touch on world affairs, since so many seem to be perosnal these days, you've made a piece people can relate to, you're well on your way.

Ryan B. Wilbur.
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by 27_deadpoets | [ Reply to This ]
  Thanksfor sharing this.
I do understand and am glad you herar the voices.

I try hard to ignore the voices,
but they’re too troubled to diminish.
I can’t stand their cries,
I need to stop this cry for world peace
I need to give them their world peace

Yes we must give it to them.

Thaank you for sharing this.
| Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
  So sweet of you, to sit down and really work hard at writing a poem for such a good cause. I clap you on the back.

I like the idea of the muffled voices, living in comfortable situations, and well off countries, we sometimes can't hear these pleading voices. They are muffled to our ears...and its our job to make them louder.

You capture the emotions well. Thanks for the read!
| Posted on 2005-09-23 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]

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