I also thought else might do well somewhere ELSE. A great write here with nothing left out to imagine how much pain selfish hearts can cause. A really goodwork that was well written, what else might i ask. Thanks for your gracious remaks of my work as well. I'll be looking for your name again.
per your request. You've already cut this down, but here are my suggestions anyway. I'd delete the else in the second line and add with in the last line. The "else", I think is unnessecary and the "with" lends to the feeling that you'll never be completely whole w/o the person-a feeling that many going through a break-up experience. These are, of course, only suggestions and you may take or leave them at your leisure. As I said before, this is still very good so if you make the suggested changes,a ll well and good; if not, that's fine too. Good job.
Each time i looked your way You broke something [else] in my heart. Now everything is broken And you've left (with) my torn parts.
very good. The rhythm is a little off in the second line of the second stanza, so I'd try to pare it down a bit and I'm not really sure about the last line in that same stanza; otherwise, everything is excellent. The imagery is wonderful as is the emotion; for someone not going through a breakup, you describe it remarkably well. Like I said, very good job w/ this piece. J
This is a good write. The only problem I had is the repetitiveness of "I looked" in the beginning of the poem. Other than that I felt it greatly improved as it progressed. I like the references to your eyes, lips, fingers, and ears and then lastly your heart. Overall a very good piece! Take care!
oh, I like this. It sounds like me. Hey...you were channeling me when you wrote it...that's awesome. No, seriously, it's really good. I like the part about your lips burning when they kissed. My eyes burned when I saw him going down on her...they thought I was passed out. Oh, but I hear you. Sorry, I got of on a tangent. Good work. Very good writing.