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    dots Submission Name: brokendots

    Author: DanceADream
    ASL Info:    16 f canada
    Elite Ratio:    5.05 - 205/153/29
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/BrokenHeart
    Total Views: 1259
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 626

       well i guess it has to do with someone going through a break up. but not me im totally hooked.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I looked to you for faith
    When i couldn't look above.
    I looked to you for strength
    And i looked to you for love.

    Each time i looked your way
    You broke something in my heart.
    Now everything is broken
    And you left with my torn parts.

    My eyes broke when you watched her,
    My lips burned when you kissed,
    My fingers cracked when you held her hand
    In summers moon lit bliss.

    My ears deafened when you whispered
    so softly in her ear.
    My heart died when i let you go
    And shed a bloody tear.

    Submitted on 2005-07-18 09:09:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I also thought else might do well somewhere ELSE. A great write here with nothing left out to imagine how much pain selfish hearts can cause.
    A really goodwork that was well written, what else might i ask.
    Thanks for your gracious remaks of my work as well.
    I'll be looking for your name again.
    | Posted on 2005-08-26 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      per your request.
    You've already cut this down, but here are my suggestions anyway. I'd delete the else in the second line and add with in the last line. The "else", I think is unnessecary and the "with" lends to the feeling that you'll never be completely whole w/o the person-a feeling that many going through a break-up experience. These are, of course, only suggestions and you may take or leave them at your leisure. As I said before, this is still very good so if you make the suggested changes,a ll well and good; if not, that's fine too. Good job.

    Each time i looked your way
    You broke something [else] in my heart.
    Now everything is broken
    And you've left (with) my torn parts.
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      very good. The rhythm is a little off in the second line of the second stanza, so I'd try to pare it down a bit and I'm not really sure about the last line in that same stanza; otherwise, everything is excellent. The imagery is wonderful as is the emotion; for someone not going through a breakup, you describe it remarkably well. Like I said, very good job w/ this piece.
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good write. The only problem I had is the repetitiveness of "I looked" in the beginning of the poem. Other than that I felt it greatly improved as it progressed. I like the references to your eyes, lips, fingers, and ears and then lastly your heart. Overall a very good piece! Take care!
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      oh, I like this. It sounds like me. Hey...you were channeling me when you wrote it...that's awesome. No, seriously, it's really good. I like the part about your lips burning when they kissed. My eyes burned when I saw him going down on her...they thought I was passed out. Oh, but I hear you. Sorry, I got of on a tangent. Good work. Very good writing.
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]

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