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    dots Submission Name: "So Far Away"dots

    Author: Martin S. Allen
    ASL Info:    33 male
    Elite Ratio:    3.98 - 671/237/43
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 2187
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 566

       On the surface this is a piece about a man who is afraid to approach a woman that he is in love with, also about missed opportunities in lives because of the fear of failure.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"So Far Away"dots

    There's beauty that I see
    In loud and crowded rooms
    So far away from me
    Entrapped in my tomb
    Unsettled and seeded
    with fear taking root
    Unbridled and bleeding
    Exposed and aloof
    I caught your eye
    but where should I go?
    In silence I lie
    Love's buried below
    Enthroned in a grave
    Of soil and soot
    A treasure that's buried
    and trampled by foot
    You'll see me bleed
    Out from my eyes
    Wounds from the soul
    In tears I cry

    Submitted on 2005-07-18 14:33:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i think the speaker's heart has died from too many painful relationships..and feels his emotions are entombed, buried so deep he cannot raise them from the dead...

    now he has a reason to...has spotted someone who may allow him to love again....

    but he is afraid...fears not so much her, but himself and his reaction to her..

    and whether he will temporarily come back from the dead, only to rebury himself because of his baggage...

    been there, done that..and relate to this poem...

    i really like your work, Martin..

    it has symmetry, cohesiveness...and you sustain your metaphors so nicely...you don't drift all over the place with images that don't connect...
    you present a nice thread that winds its way from beginning to end.

    | Posted on 2011-05-08 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there!
    This really caught my attention. It is pretty much okay, but I stil think it could do with a couple of tweeks:

    There's beauty that I see
    In loud and crowded rooms
    So far away from me
    - This is a beutiful opening. Not strong but capable and in sync with the feel of the rest of the poem.

    Entrapped in my tomb
    - This line though, is in my opinion way off. It is banal and tedious, bringing nothing then a empty word to the poem. It really rings through the rest of the poem in a bad way. Like flattening the overall impression.
    You might want to try something in the lines of a synonym to a room, to utilise what you have already written at this point.

    Unsettled and seeded
    with fear taking root
    - A powerful part, and really good. I am just wondering if it is rally 'fear' you are describing here. Fear has an object, but you do not really give the impression that we are talking about an object to fear. By an object I am talking generally about something 'real' something you can reach out and feel.
    I see this closer to an angst. A deeper fear, but not for something specific; it has no object. And given the dynamics of the line - it is taking root, points to the fact that this might be an angst which is developing an object to fear. A way to make something inside oneself to something outside; something we can deal with, or at least give a name.

    The rest of the poem works really well!

    All in all I really liked this one, and you made me think... (and I don't think much)...

    All best
    | Posted on 2008-02-01 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
    This is an absolutely fantastic write where my mind is immediatley drawn to a person who sadly suffers from Agorophobia
    I had this sad problem at one time when my mind was possessed by depression
    I know how sad it is to Live like this but I got to tell you my Friend you captured this problem perfectly
    I dont know if Agorophobia is the main theme of this write but honestly it fits perfectly
    Very Thought Provoking
    Its always a Pleasure to read your writes
    They always open up my mind to more then the Life that lies in front of me
    God Bless

    Please keep in touch
    | Posted on 2007-09-06 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is good read and I love the way the poem flows in one perfect scheme. You have done a great job and I am ready to read more of your work on here. thanks !!! Donna!!!!
    | Posted on 2007-07-24 00:00:00 | by PrettyHeart | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm awe struck and this is not only beautiful, amazing and insightful but cocoon-ish as well.
    That is to say it feels like the butterfly before it is unleased into the world...no less full of beauty though.

    Your meter, imagery and sense of understanding human instinct and pure desire is top of the crop...not raw but none the less passionate.

    Daniel Barlow is one of the only other poets here I know that can convey such passion and emotion with so little words...and for me to say that...trust me it's big.

    I felt like I was sixteen all over again watching from across the room waiting for the right moment that never seems to come around. Sweaty palms and nervious butterflies in the stomach making it almost impossible to think straight let alone talk. Giddy and school girlish
    yet deep lusting and desire to get closer to that certain some thing you desire but at the same time not really sure you want what it is you seek.
    Yes that is what I feel reading this and I thank you for such pure poetic talent and sharing it with the rest of us ; )

    | Posted on 2007-01-26 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this poem its imagery is good. keep on writing!
    | Posted on 2006-10-27 00:00:00 | by EmeRalDEyeZ5491 | [ Reply to This ]
      This write is very good. Although the title is a common one, I still like it. You use a very good sense of emotion. Keep up the good write.

    | Posted on 2006-08-04 00:00:00 | by remedy bayden | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice! Very creative and imaginative. I like how it flows and is very visual congrats on an outstanding poem keep up the good work, peace & stay safe...
    | Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great, and I truly love the meaning and depth behind this piece... the flow was great, and the wording was wonderful. I think many guys can relate to this piece,.. I will have to take a look at more of your work in the near future.. ;)
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by jules271 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is very srong and is full of emotion. i likes it and it seems that you are a hopeless romantic. which dont get me wrong it isnt a bad thing at all
    | Posted on 2006-02-28 00:00:00 | by Kaila Turley | [ Reply to This ]
      i would agree that your works have many layers.. so many that some are untouched to the common eye i am sure.. but that is what our own personal writing is about..
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Justmenow14 | [ Reply to This ]
      Dude that pretty much hit home thats the way I am feeling right now I love this poem it is definitely going on my favorite list I love these lines
    Out from my eyes
    Wounds from the soul
    In tears I cry

    Great write and good luck with the band.

    much LOVE
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by James Reyna | [ Reply to This ]
      holy... i must say that i'm in awe of this poem... i most certainly wonder just where this originated from.. powerful.. very powerful
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Justmenow14 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah, so deep! Greatly written and with a flow that was like water. This poem is so true; life offers many chances to succeed, but we turn away in fear of failure. I absolutely loved the last four lines:

    You'll see me bleed
    Out from my eyes
    Wounds from the soul
    In tears I cry

    The concept was simple, but the way you wrote it really captured the pain that you feel. Superb stuff here!

    With love,
    | Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by Jacob Seibert | [ Reply to This ]
      I canít help but fall in love with this poem and your way of writing! Would it be too personal to ask if your poems were from experiences you had or viewed? Truly an original piece and yet another favorite on my list of your poems:)
    | Posted on 2005-09-28 00:00:00 | by ReMMuS | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that this was so good. I felt like you were talking about isolation and the inner death it causes. How you so close to life and love but you are to damaged or numb to recieve or give it. How if anyone gets close they will see your pain you hide with isolation. That's my take on it. This was worded beautifully. The flow was great. I was touched by this poem. I love it!
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice the imagery was very peaceful i have read 2 really good poems today this was number 2 by good i mean a thought you could be part of or a thought the catches you drifting with the thoughts produced
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooh, I like. This is very powerful, very vivid. I think it has a great rhythym to it, some really powerful imagery, and you have a wonderful way with words. Kudos to you!
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      You are very adept at flow and presentation and the content is mesmerizing!
    I liked how you set it up with the first couple of lines and "I caught your eye but where should I go?"
    Great work! Love,Peace,Joy! tif ; )
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very nice, well written poem! I love the wording of this and the feelings expressed. It sounds like a shyness that is prohibiting and causing you to miss out on opportunities that you would love to have. Or it could be a fear from being hurt at one time and not wanting to be hurt again. Well ya got me thinking anyway! This is very nicely done! Take care!

    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This had very good rhthym to it and I really liked the flow all the way through the whole thing. I pictured myself there only I was in an airport terminal, thats what I pictured so many obstacles to get to that one far away.
    | Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by ceestyl | [ Reply to This ]

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