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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Where were you?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DanceADream
    ASL Info:    16 f canada
    Elite Ratio:    5.05 - 205/153/29
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 984
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 647



    Description:
       well...i dont really know who the "you" in this poem was. i guess it was anyone who said they ever cared. this is all about me.

    oh and the part bout the tree may sound cheesy but i used go for long walks in the forest and when someone came after me at night id hide in the shadows.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhere were you?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Where were you when my sister died
    So young, wild and free?
    Where were you when i cried and hid
    In the shadows of my tree?

    Where were you when my heart was torn?
    It still hurts, you know.
    Where were you when my life was sworn,
    Not so long ago?

    Where were you when I needed care?
    You left me dying on the floor.
    Where were you when I couldn't bear
    My life a moment more?

    Where were you the times I was abused?
    Where were you when I couldn't sleep?
    Where were you when I slit my wrist?
    This time I cut it deep.




    Submitted on 2005-07-18 18:22:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a very deep poem

    You have to look at it this way

    If you were talking about God God was with you all the time he was carrying you thru your ordeals here on Earth
    Know his love for you was so strong that you are still here
    Remember think positive trust me its the secret
    Take Care
    Ron


    And thank you for your recent comments I appreciate them
    I am looking forward to new poems by you
    | Posted on 2005-10-26 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      i think most people would a gree that the last stanza had the most impact. great work. it kept me interested with the different times of need u expressed. really soild piece~nahlij
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Deep and powerful. The last line especially emotional but the entire poem full of feeling. The tree part isn't corny but gives good insight to the girl and it's pretty. A lot of the time poems with this much repetition can get annoying but I didn't find that with this, probably because you had just the right amount of difference. Third stanza, second line dying is spelt < like that. No problems anywhere else

    Where were you the times I was abused?
    Where were you when I couldn't sleep?
    Where were you when I slit my wrist?
    This time I cut it deep.

    That stanza is the best and the most touching. Last line dramatic and a good way to finish
    Laura-Grace
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by dark-red-pain | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this. Amazing. The words are great. I could feel everything you said. I love the repetition of "Where were you." It was so sad in such a beautiful way. I could compliment this all day, but I think you get the point... I love it. My favorite part was the end:

    "Where were you the times I was abused?
    Where were you when I couldn't sleep?
    Where were you when I slit my wrist?
    This time I cut it deep."

    Suicide usually always seems like a good idea at the time, but as Im sure you've heard, it's not the best solution. You're very talented. Keep smiling, even when it's hard. Good luck with everything. Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      This was well written. You seem to be looking for a savior of sorts who keep failing you. This is an emotional poem and it is sad because you ended it with suicide. I thought your flow was good. And your imagery was very good. I liked it.
    Maggie
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this. As I state about must poems involving self-injury; I usually find it cliché. And, though this poem did have it's clichéish moments, I found it fresh for the most part. I thought you had something good going with the flow. I also liked that you refained from using any 'cheap' rhymes (that, and hat) you sort of expanded yourself to use some words that people didn't see coming.
    My favourite stanza had to be the first:
    "Where were you when my sister died
    So young, wild and free?
    Where were you when i cried and hid
    In the shadows of my tree?"

    My advice would be to correct the spelling mistake in your title. That put me off a bit, but I understand that typoes happen (to me quite often, in fact). I would also like to see you make your 'i's uppercase, just for kicks. I don't mean to get stingey on grammar or anything, though.
    Anyway, over all I'd have to say I liked this piece quite a bit.

    =Emma=
    | Posted on 2005-07-18 00:00:00 | by Emma_closes | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely written. A solid piece from beginning to end. I could feel your sense of loneliness in each line. I personally like the "tree" part.. and yes, the ending was forceful in getting your emotion across to your reader.
    I too have had moments of feeling so alone that I would ask this question (in my mind) to all who love me.. "where were (are) you?"
    A good write. Keep it up..
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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