The edge by Maki

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Submission Name: The edge dots

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Author:	Maki
ASL Info:	17/ female/ home
Elite Ratio:	5.06 - 208/209/68
Words:	169

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	362
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1017

Description:
uhm, for some reason, i'm in a huge depresssion all of a sudden, i wish it'd leave me.

i really dont have an explanation for this, but comments would be nice

also a better title??? I am bad a titles.... ^-^

The edge dots

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So close to the edge.
I feel my heart breaking,
The wind suffocating me,
Not to mention my teary eyes
Not to mention, it’s hard for me to see.

So close to the edge.
I feel Life taking my being into its hands
And crushing it, making it hell,
And crushing my skin, making me bleed.

A foot off the edge.
A shattering sound of a finger
Pricking the chord on the Guitar,
The sound breaks my eardrum
The sound forces me to scream.

Standing on my tiptoes, off the edge.
The moan of the flute has an effect on me,
It brings my heart to tears
It brings my soul to a calm grievance.

Looking up at the edge.
I see where I am falling…

So close, a foot away and on my tiptoes.
Closer and closer,
Regardless of the depressions
The fall wasn’t so bad,
It was when I hit the floor
I realized I was falling.

Submitted on 2005-07-19 00:33:29 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  It has been a long time since I last read a depression poem!! I don't usually like them anyway! But that doesn't mean I don't read them, I have read this one!

So much emotions in this one, like; Anger, depression of course, fear, and even Pain too! And all that out of a sudden!! Dangerous mix of emotions and that's for sure!

The title ain't that bad at all "The edge", and I don't think I have a better one to suit this poem, but I still thnk it's not that bad!

The poem is well written with no spelling mistakes (I didn't find any), and that's a very good thing of course because spelling mistakes take alot from the beauty of any poem and you succeeded in avoiding that here!

I really liked the last stanza the most, saying;

"So close, a foot away and on my tiptoes.
Closer and closer,
Regardless of the depressions
The fall wasn’t so bad,
It was when I hit the floor
I realized I was falling"

Anyway, I hope that you find my comment somehow helpful to you, and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
  To me I really enjoyed reading this. It sounds like a great description of depression and the feelings to go along with it and actions. It had great images, some of the stuff that you did or the exaggeration was a little harsh. I know you are feeling low, but those don't seem like good ideas or things to go through. Even though when I am feeling low I feel the same way.. Usually sometimes I don't really no why I am depressed like you. But it'll pass you.

For the write I felt some things were missing.. but the overall.. I thought was really good.. Seriously

A foot off the edge.
A shattering sound of a finger
Pricking the chord on the Guitar,
The sound breaks my eardrum
The sound forces me to scream.

I loved that.. It is so powerful.. all of it is powerfull. I really enjoyed reading it

Stephanie
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey! That was my first poem on sadness really. Based on the other comment, I agree with that suggestion. I noticed that the natural flow in the poem is missing, it can be made more "solid" if you get what I mean.

The poem is like a sine wave- it goes up and down, just when you think you've read something cool, the immediate sentence fizzles out. Its like you've got a jigsaw puzzle but haven't put the pieces together properly. You can do alot to revise the poem and make it more powerful, since you have displayed some good substance in your writing.

Final judgement: Work on the flow of the poem and try making changes in grammar and punctuation
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Bobby_Dzyre | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this. I think there are some great images, it's evocative of highly relateable sentiments, but I think it could just be tighter. Mayber its the wording, which I think you have in you to tweak to more specificity, or the spacing and punctuation, which, if really thought about, could send this poem over the edge...I'd love to see any edits. I think this is a solidly good write which could be great.
Ashley
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by queendepricate | [ Reply to This ]

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