[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Lady of the nightdots

    Author: Lee
    ASL Info:    29/F/South Africa
    Elite Ratio:    4.57 - 55/54/14
    Words: 157
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1190
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 995

       Just an idea I had for a while, ....always sounds better in the head than on paper,haha

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLady of the nightdots

    As the moon open itís eye
    for the long night ahead

    You crawl from the alley
    in your shadows of red

    The smell of cheap perfume
    chokes through the thick city air

    And your sensual body movements
    spells nothing else but dare

    Pitch black mascara and uneven eyeliner
    encircles the effect of your high

    You can stop whenever you want
    you keep toying with the lie

    Just one more night, just one more night
    as you smile in their direction

    Their approach makes your stomach sick
    but your face shows no rejection

    The burning cigarette falls to the ground
    as you get into the car

    No thought, no sound, no feeling
    as you look into the far

    Her bruised and broken body was found
    early yesterday

    She had no chance to change her life
    now the pages fades away

    Submitted on 2005-07-19 08:45:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hi again Lee,

    Thought I'd stop by and read some of your work as I have this week off, from one of my jobs anyway.

    'Lady of the night' was very well done, but all too sad. I was hoping all through the poem that she would meet a decent man who gave her a job or something. But that stuff only happens in movies, dosen't it?

    I didn't quite understand...
    'encircles the effect of your high'

    A small typo on 'open(s)'

    I might have said the moon 'opens it's eye (on) the night'

    Perhaps you could add one or two more lines just before 'her bruised and broken body...' To describe what went wrong.

    Wow, this was good!


    p.s. I did a similar piece recently called 'One Time Love'
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
      I just want to point out 2 typos
    V1 its instead of it's and last line fades shd be fade.

    Otherwise it tells a tale we all heard but this time it is from your point of view.
    The idea seems well enough on paper too.

    I have written a piece about a "lady of the night" once but it was french prose. I cannot remember if I have any in english. I dunno if it the same with u but it is like there are time when my inspiration focuses on one subject, and my writings always point is the same direction.

    Then I move on.

    Now I shd stop talking and try to read something else

    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I like this a lot. This is really vivid, really good. I like the line about pitch black mascara and uneven eyeliner, and about her face showing no rejection. I don't really have a problem with the last line, like everyone else did. This is really great though, it's such an interesting subject, too
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a very good piece! I have to say that I agree with what Blindly-N-Love had to say. That last line just kind of stuck out like a sore thumb. It was very sad...but you did a great job getting your point across and letting your readers know what you were talking about. Great job!
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
    Excellent. You told us everything, with out actually "telling" us. The last line although, seemed like you tried a little too hard. I mean I do it too sometimes. But other than that, the rhyming was awesome. Didn't sound as if you tried too hard at all... Brilliant, just if you had to change it, I would do the last line, its too .. not there.. i dont know if you will understand what i am talking about, but it is an excellent poem.
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Blindly-N-Love | [ Reply to This ]
      Lee you have some awesome talent. Your work is magnifcent even when you are just writing to be writing like the first work of your's that I read. You captured the nightlife of a "professional woman"... quite well. Not braging, but I come from a poor family and everyone we knew were poor. I knew women with children who possibly thought the same thing this write portrayes. You have done it again.
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by Silver20G | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]