Thought I'd stop by and read some of your work as I have this week off, from one of my jobs anyway.
'Lady of the night' was very well done, but all too sad. I was hoping all through the poem that she would meet a decent man who gave her a job or something. But that stuff only happens in movies, dosen't it?
I didn't quite understand... 'encircles the effect of your high'
A small typo on 'open(s)'
I might have said the moon 'opens it's eye (on) the night'
Perhaps you could add one or two more lines just before 'her bruised and broken body...' To describe what went wrong.
Wow, this was good!
Donn
p.s. I did a similar piece recently called 'One Time Love'
I just want to point out 2 typos V1 its instead of it's and last line fades shd be fade.
Otherwise it tells a tale we all heard but this time it is from your point of view. The idea seems well enough on paper too.
I have written a piece about a "lady of the night" once but it was french prose. I cannot remember if I have any in english. I dunno if it the same with u but it is like there are time when my inspiration focuses on one subject, and my writings always point is the same direction.
Then I move on.
Now I shd stop talking and try to read something else
Wow, I like this a lot. This is really vivid, really good. I like the line about pitch black mascara and uneven eyeliner, and about her face showing no rejection. I don't really have a problem with the last line, like everyone else did. This is really great though, it's such an interesting subject, too
This was a very good piece! I have to say that I agree with what Blindly-N-Love had to say. That last line just kind of stuck out like a sore thumb. It was very sad...but you did a great job getting your point across and letting your readers know what you were talking about. Great job! Candi
*bravo* Excellent. You told us everything, with out actually "telling" us. The last line although, seemed like you tried a little too hard. I mean I do it too sometimes. But other than that, the rhyming was awesome. Didn't sound as if you tried too hard at all... Brilliant, just if you had to change it, I would do the last line, its too .. not there.. i dont know if you will understand what i am talking about, but it is an excellent poem.
Lee you have some awesome talent. Your work is magnifcent even when you are just writing to be writing like the first work of your's that I read. You captured the nightlife of a "professional woman"... quite well. Not braging, but I come from a poor family and everyone we knew were poor. I knew women with children who possibly thought the same thing this write portrayes. You have done it again.
Submission Name: Lady of the night
