surrogation for a slow death by deadndreaming

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Submission Name: surrogation for a slow death dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	deadndreaming
Elite Ratio:	6.78 - 1351/1244/78
Words:	357

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	746
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	2753

Description:
much thanks to marysunshine for waking me up and taking me by the hand. Love you girl

surrogation for a slow death dots

-------------------------------------------

I want to be in love again
…
feel it break through my skin,
crawl inside me
like a winter’s night wind
on Hobo Beach, off Mayaguez,
intoxicated on Juan Especials
and the rush of a tide
that carries all of time
through me
and back into the sea

I want to be in love again
…
slip into a faceless night
in a summer of childhood,
gliding on my bike
after dark, an afterthought;
no fear of consequences,
too occupied
in the feeling of flight
and the naïve notion
that tomorrow is irrelevant

I want to be in love again
…
make out in the morning
before brushing teeth
or checking clocks,
eyes and tongues
and minds entwined;
light-headed lovers
drunk on last night’s wine
and an unspoken vow
of a lingering taste on our lips

I want to be in love again
…
with the words that I write;
find metaphors with the depth
to transcend their intent,
similes that speak simple truth
like an overcast sky
foreshadowing a storm
and the breeze that leads
from sin
to forgiveness

I want
to be
in love
a
gain
wake, eyes A-Gape
heartracing
embracing the morning
like a day lily
reaching for the sun
I want
the THum-Ping
of life's drums
and Bass to
puL
SaTe
an
earTH
QUake
in my chest
I want
to cr um ble and cry
when I look into your eyes
and see you
come
inside of
me
inside of
you
I want to be
a hurricane
     a carnival
        a carousel
inside your soul
I want
to taste
the bitter
sweet
flavor
of "almost"
savor

the pride
of “I tried”
feel merciless misery
when I falter
or solicitous pain
when I bleed
I
just
need
to
crave
grasp
desire
feel

anything

I want to be in love again
…
because this

this
void

this lack of life
is too damn close
to death
to accept

Submitted on 2005-07-19 08:54:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  With each stanza I read, I wished even harder that I could write this well.

All poems that people tend to write about love mesh together and lack originality and imagery and entertainment, but this one is simply amazing.

I've read through almost all of your poems tonight, and I've found myself wondering if there is anything you can do wrong.

I'm in awe.
| Posted on 2006-12-16 00:00:00 | by wovenwords | [ Reply to This ]
  Although the first four stanzas of the poem are really nice, I don't think you need them. I think this would be stronger if it were briefer and purer; I guess that's the minimalist in me talking. I also think the end of the poem is a bit more daring and interesting.

I want
the THum-Ping
of life's drums
and Bass to
puL
SaTe
an
earTH
QUake
in my chest
I want
to cr um ble and cry

I always like your clevere typographical quirks, and this is no exception.

when I look into your eyes
and see you
come
inside of
me
inside of
you
I want to be
a hurricane
a carnival
a carousel
inside your soul

The first few lines of that are amazing. I suppose that I assume that men generally write from the male perspective, so that was a nice deviation from that expectation.

because this

this
void

this lack of life
is too damn close
to death
to accept

I like the stuttering in that because it seems emotional. Overall, I like this very much.
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Dave - WOw! Drop the caps, man. This is so near-perfection they distract rather than add. I love this poem! It says what so many of us feel at times. Where is that burning hot passion we once knew? From what I've learned over the years, it's like tending a fire, it will reduce to cold embers unless you rebuid it, and no two fires are ever the same. As in writing, we may say the same things, but we strive for originality, a new form of expression. Give the fire some fuel, build it big, build it small, one that burns quickly and dies, or one that slowly flickers, giving off intense heat. Tend that fire and it will keep you warm through a lifetime.

Sorry, wandering, again.

S1 - Too much "Hobo", "Mayaquez", and "Juan Especials". Just say what you mean, what kind of beach, how intoxicated. It's almost like name-dropping.

S2 - I'm thinking all of these stanzas need to be about physical love. This one seems more philosophical. If this is the aftermath of love making, then say so, if not it seems, to me. out of place. You're speaking of adult love, and this is child like whimsy. Each "I want to be in love again" should reflect a moment when you felt that passion, the heat of sexual pleasure and emotional euphoria. Make this stanza into one of those moments!

S3 - No childhood whimsy here, although I think you can do without "make out". It sounds a bit crude and is unnecessary.

S4 - Love it!

S5 - I think it should be the same format as S1 - S4.

S6 - Now as the words of what you want change, so does the format. I like the split syllables to indicate the pulsing and the downward flow of the words.

S7 - Only one small thing, make it "look in your eyes".

S9 - The space is a distraction. I'd close it up, but add an ellipsis after "almost".

That's all I can say, except that I find this a brilliant piece of writing, once again. I think you are searching for some feeling in this, exposing a side of all of us that we tend to never let out. That great burden of self-esteem, and sexual inadequacy (spelling?) by which we are all haunted. In the end we find peace and harmony, as the fires of life, become a controlled kiln of passion.

Phil
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  you and me both! and you just had to go and remind me again. I love the repetition and your imagery is fantastic. I see you in love again, at least in your mind. and yes, the void of life without it is worse than death, I'd venture to say. so let's get moving!
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  you know David...even married couples who love deeply feel this sometimes. I know there are times when we have become complacent and I will turn to him and say, "don't you miss falling in love?" I do, I miss those first hours, days, months...how they can smother and intoxicate. You don't really give a sh-it about anything else except your next fix and you will do anything to get it. But no matter who you love, the first hours, weeks, months can only happen once. When you get to years then you really have a job on your hands. Some days you get to feel all that over again. Some months you need to make it happen. Some days go by with nothing and that is a shame. I catch myself in those days of endless chores, responsibilities and bullsh-it and I say, "what the hell, is this what I want to take away with me?" And you know what, I get my answer, I do. Just like that day we said that to each other. It is part of it, but you can always make it better. Maybe it won't be as easy as feeling that rush with someone new every week, but then what would you have to take with you then?

This piece inspired me to find ways to feel that more often...to fall in love at will. This piece is perfect just the way you have written it and I have always felt that way about these types of pieces. It is personal and I feel honored to come here and glimpse at your guts for a time. Some might say it is too revealing. I don't think there is a such thing. Maybe that is because it is how I write. And I think you should share yourself with your audience. If you didn't you might as well write in invisible ink, in the dark, in a hole,

I will be in love again.
I know it.
R.
| Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  ok, I have made up my mind with your poetry to not read any of the critiques by anyone and to not ever really critique it in the way others do. I did read what Adia said because her words have inspired me...and have inspied you...so I care what she says, but not in the sense that I care how she critiques it...I mean, I want to see what she has gained from it...or has missed in what I have gained...

ok, I really do see you as an incredible writer. I love what you do with words. I love that everything is a little trick...as though words are your toys...I feel like I ride them

the way I can imagine I would follow your every spoken word with admiration, com(passion), eagerness, and enthusiasm should I be face to face with you

and you play...
you express...
...and I am touched so deeply...

ok...I can relate to the message you are saying so completely right now. I love to read your stuff because I feel like your words sweep me away to another place where everything comes together in a way that my real life cannot quite get a handle on. I am entertained by your words...by imagining the life that is lead behind them...imagining the man behind the keyboard...the mind within the man...and the man within the life he leads...

I am tired so this is coming out a jigsaw of emotion and abstract thoughts that are trying to just say that you touch me... and I know that you are looking for critiques and ways to hear other people's voices to make you into a better writer and what not, and I am sorry but I am not that person. You have enough of those. I am a voice of someone who admires every word you send into my space...or into space that can so readily become mine with the touch of a few keys on my computer...

You enhance my life.
I thank you for your presence in my life.

I will PM you the rest of this thought...
Annie
| Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by Anniehodgkiss | [ Reply to This ]
  This one works really well and it's the specifics that do it. Not "I want to be in love again, I want to feel good, I want to know that someone cares", but

"I want to be in love again
…
feel it break through my skin,
crawl inside me
like a winter’s night wind
on Hobo Beach, off Mayaguez,
intoxicated on Juan Especials
and the rush of a tide
that carries all of time
through me
and back into the sea"

There, bam! That's raw, beautiful emotion. You can probably tell that I liked it. All through the entire poem, you give us details of what your happy love-filled life was like. That, in turn, makes us understand why you want "to be in love again".

I'm not a big fan of odd spacing and capitalization so parts of that didn't do much for me.

"I want
the THum-Ping
of life's drums
and Bass to
puL
SaTe
an
earTH
QUake
in my chest
I want
to cr um ble and cry
when I look into your eyes"

I was able to stumble through it, but I don't think I gained anything from the cA Ps. The words themsleves were excellent. "I want to crumble and cry when I look into your eyes" Beautiful.

On the other hand:

"I
just
need
to
crave
grasp
desire
feel

anything"

worked incredibly well. As I read the words, I found my emotions tumbling down the page with yours.

Great work,
Steve
| Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok David here is what I am feeling on this one.
Emptiness and that void in the heart of man when he loses that person who is so dear to him or her.

I want to be in love again
The way you use this line over to show us that emotion of feeling empty was outstanding and made this feel so complete.

And the structure of it
the broken up cru mble and the on and of Caps was cool.

I know I not much for comments or making any sense but hey what the hell I try.
Nice job

Whats next?

Shawn
| Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by armand | [ Reply to This ]
  “I want to be in love again
…
slip into a faceless night
in a summer of childhood,
gliding on my bike
after dark, an afterthought;
no fear of consequences,
too occupied
in the feeling of flight
and the naïve notion
that tomorrow is irrelevant”

I’ll always be in love with these lines… it’s been said many times… in a thousand ways… but it always sound new to me. And, it never loses the bittersweet taste on its curves… and its arms… and those sweet little notions of how Life should be lived.

It’s the kind of thing a lot of people talk about but not a lot are capable of exploring… and that is just sad.

Truth is, there are a lot of instances wherein I can remember hating the feeling of being in love… how it turns you into Marilyn Monroe with a fan beneath your skirt and you feel exposed yet ever so sexy… especially when the beholder looks at you through different eye colors.

I can’t say I have more to add that hasn’t already been said… I guess you could say I just came by say hi.
| Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi sweetheart, I've been by to read this before but reserved some time to think on it. Funny, the dilemmas are in the air and we tap into them, much like a creative idea that spreads around the site. Magic is born of love and creating. Pardon my reflection, but I have no critique really. Only that romancing the Self and Divine love seems to be the answer. If we don't have it, we can't find it, "I love" is a perfect definition. May the glorious vibration fill every one of us. This is a very cool theme, so thoughtful and I love your scenarios, they are so real. Thanks David..
much love,
Nan
| Posted on 2005-07-23 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  I want to be in love again, too. I feel so "dead" nowadays to any emotion associative with feeling good or bad.. Err.. I miss the uneasiness of emotions reliant upon other people.. Ah.. Something I suppose I just cant put into words..
I loved the imagery of the stanzas, especially;
"make out in the morning
before brushing teeth"
hit a special note.
I could hear the noises and feel the feel the movements with the most excellent way you described them.. Wow.
I loved the breakdown of form.. It symbolized change in the want of love, to me at least.. You want love, you know what you want. You want love, you change how you want it.. Err.. something to that degree.

"this lack of life
is too damn close
to death
to accept"
!Bravo!
Love is living!
Ah, Wow.. Awesome piece!
Respectively,
Ratio M. Ducet III
Ps; Instead of writing another message I'll just tell you here. Thanks for your input on my write.. It was the basis for my entire reworking of it!
*Bows humbly*
| Posted on 2005-07-23 00:00:00 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ]
  ah, to be in love, to feel everything down to your soul, to break your heart wide open into a million pieces and then put it back together again in all its shining beauty...

this made me think of that song with the line about wanting to bleed just to know you're alive...

can't say much more than that Dave. i enjoyed this very much and can understand that need to fill the void, to maybe throw caution to the wind and feel with all you've got. even the pain of love is better than the numbness, the void. it captures our imagination and takes us to heights (and lows) that permeate our very being.

well done my friend, well done.
@ Cat
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  '...I want' never gets...
I was told this by my mother.
'I want ice cream'
'I want ice cream'
'I want world peace'
'...I want' never gets.
I am happy to see each of these discussions with self start with the same line. i think it works quite well in a petulant almost spoiled brat sort of way. maybe this is not how you want to sound but inevitably when you're not getting what you want, even the best of us can sound truculent and pi55ed off.
and despite all the drive-in movie imagery of bobby sox, pleated skirts and impossibly white teeth, this stinks of despair and I like the way you have made it creep out like some sort of fungal wood infection.
i would add the word 'to' to the start of each second line that would support its use. for no other reason than it acts as an inhalation, that momentary stop to move forward collected and ready for the next curve ball or, in my case on this side of the fish pond, the next bouncer...
and the fall from grace in the formatted bit works well too because it jerks the reader about in the way that falling does. in the way that being let go, cast adrift does.
and overall of course, this is horrid - like being caught under too tight sheets, inducing needless panic and the vertigo that goes with being suddenly upright looking at your feet.
it's more than just about being in love again.
it's about survival.
and the fall won't kill you.
but the landing probably will...
later mate,
K
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  hrm..

"light-headed lovers
drunk on last night’s wine
and an unspoken vow
of a lingering taste on our lips"

what a nice few lines.. okay.

xo, jon
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Dr.Strangelove | [ Reply to This ]
  hrm, i coulddd talk about what you already know.. i coulddd talk about crap and waste our time.. but im not..

really nice.. hrm.. the wording.. wow, very amazing - it isnt at all lopsided or arbitrary or any of that nonsense really. its pretty damned nice, and it isnt a pain to read it.. dunno what to say, the form is nice, the repitition of some lines is nice.. its just Great.

you know, when i usually read love poems i think its overdramatic.. way too god d@mn cliché for me to be able to swallow in one go without making gurging noises. but this one is not like that.. very nice.. dunno really what to tell you except that there isnt room for much imporvement.. and if there is it wouldnt be anything big..

well.. very nice..

oh.. and this is "dreamsyndicate" btw, not sure if you remember.

yeah im not very good at commenting when there isnt really anything to change or when i dont have any suggestions..

bleh.

okay, well nice job.

OH.. yeah, i would appreciate you helping me with any suggestions on some of my writting, nothing long, and dont feel obliged to in anyway, just that i appreciated very much your past comments..

xo, jon
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Dr.Strangelove | [ Reply to This ]
  What struck me most about this piece was the definate vocal quality of the thing, as something to be spoken aloud, that's where I hear the magic of it, as a plea for something lost and this longing we've all felt at one time or another. Your openness is almost childlike and I find that to be a strength. It IS endearing and you drop the barriers and invite us all inside, and there's magic in that kind of trust, even in a poem.

Can I say there's something here that's subtle for me, difficult to formulate or nail down in a critique, but it touched me and moved me, and it was accomplished with a direct openness, but also with a skillful, light hand that didn't leave me feeling flat or manipulated. I could bond with this poem, and essentially it told me you're back in touch with something vital that I admire most about you.

You have a good heart, and that shines through here.

I have often thought of the troubadours word for love, that agape' <ah-gah-peh> and your use of "a-gape" made me stop and translate that into the deeper word. Maybe you might cultivate that and use it and if you're not familiar with it, you should look into it because it lends itself to this poem very much. And it's a good word, hehe.

I felt you with this one, dawg. I don't know how else to say it and for all my assessments and the break downs I could do, that's the ultimate message . . . that I've named this my first D favorite in a long while, and that makes me very happy.

On the typographical level, you still play around with some things that I think are distracting and don't really have much poetic value, but this is a visual thing and something that is you and that's good enough for me. Your use of ellipses was a bit disconcerting, a distraction, and yet, your choice for the last couple of strophes really changed the pace of the read and enhanced it for me. Maybe it's subjective to the reader, when you fiddle with this kind of thing, I dunno. SO, some of it worked, and some of it was a distraction. I'd lose the ellipses and maybe go for italics instead, and keep what you've done with the end there, the word breaks and such.

This smacks of the inspired heart that made me fall in love with the man and his poetry, and it's a swelling thing inside me that sets these words to paper <in a very NON gay way, not that there's anything wrong with THAT!>

Well done, my brother.
| Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  there is a definite journey in your feelings through your poetry and i find that quite endearing.
the problem with being so open [or appearing to be so open]on this site is that your business is everyone's business. this builds a pressure and having to deal woth many different people and the variant opinions, and i feel this has a lot do with where you have been with your writing and your apparent and self proclaimed 'hole.'

this is merely an observation and not a judgement. the place that we gain our inspiration from is of little consequence as ling as something is produced, and the journey that you will take will crest and fall as your life does, and this is all part of the journalisation of life.

and that is the thing about seemingly honest poetry, that is what it does, and it does not hide what experiences are happening.

on the other hand, it makes for slightly volatile and erratic reading, and my personal goal is to mix that raw feeling with a semblance of skill and control and the production of new concepts. of course this is not always possible, but the striving to do so, in my opinion, is as important as the application.

and so this leads me to your piece. you do portray your breathless felling well. you have a concept here, though by no means new, and you stick to this through your piece. that is good enough.

i have a few structural issues:
your small triplet of dots that breaks your piece up is not consistent and i think it should be. you are doing something here that is slightly unconventional, so you have to show that you are doing it for a reason and that you know what that reason is.
it would work if they were just after the line:
'I want to be in love again,'
and as a prelude to a stanza, but then you add them at the end in between apparently random stanzas and throw it all into inconsistency.

i see that you have the repeating of the lines:
'I want to be in love again,'
to introduce your structured stanzas.
this works ok as a concept because you basically build up a feeling tat gets more and more prevalent until a point where control is lost and then
the words
just
dont come
out like
they should
or how
you pic
tured them
inyourhead
andyou are
turningand
spin
spin
spinning
and this
iswhat
love is all about

and this is fine.

i still think your thoughts of concept are within the realms of what is know and tried and tested.

if you want to shout about what you want to fell, then why not SHOUT about it?
you have a chance here to really convey how you want to feel; to really put it across to the reader. at present you are relying a little on clichéd events and feelings to pull this through.
and i understand that this is necessary, or seems to be, because this is what you know other people experience when they are in love.

so this is what i might suggest, take what you will from it:

'I want to feel it break through my skin,
crawl inside me
like a winter’s night wind
on Hobo Beach off Mayaguez,
intoxicated on Juan Especials
and the rush of a tide
that carries all of time
through me
and back into the sea,

to slip into a faceless night
in a summer of childhood,
gliding on my bike
after dark,
an afterthought
of no fear of consequences,
too pre-occupied
in the feeling of flight
and the naïve notion
that tomorrow is irrelevant,

to make out in the morning
before brushing teeth
or checking clocks,
eyes and tongues
and minds entwined;
to be light-headed lovers
drunk on last night’s wine
and an unspoken vow
of a lingering taste on our lips,

with the words that I write
find metaphors with the depth
to transcend their intent;
similes that speak simple truth
like an overcast sky
foreshadowing a storm
and the breeze that leads
from sin
to forgiveness

I want
to be in love
a_gain
wake, eyes agape
heart racing
embracing the morning
like a day lily reaching for the sun
I want
the THum-Ping
of life's drums
and Bass
to pul-
Sate
an earthquake in my chest
I want
to crumble and cry
when I look into your eyes
and see you
come
inside of
me
inside of
you
I want to be
a hurricane carnival carousel
inside your soul
I want
to taste the
bitter
sweet
flavor
of "almost"
savor
the pride
of “I tried”
feel merciless misery when I falter
or solicitous pain when I bleed
I
just
need
to
crave
grasp
desire
feel

anything

I want to be in love again

because this

this void,
this lack of life
is too damn close
to death
to accept '

for me that lack of repetition of
'I want to be in love again,'
means you can build up your feelings much more. the anticipation to the breaking out at the end
where
your words
run
down
becomes much greater and more effective as a result. the feelings become more intense.
there are far less repetitions of the word 'I' which i think make the poem much more about all of us and much less about just you. this therefore make it more relative to each of us and more enjoyable as a result, and less teenage, because no matter how much you try if you write iii it is going to be shadowed by all the mememe teen poetry that is out there, and that is something that is never the fault of the reader but something they have to take into account.

i have fu-cked about with you words in the middle part just as an example, not as concrete. i think you can play with this much more and to your own desire. i was surprised to see that you had not really gone for it, being a guy that loves to fu-ck around with formatting. this is great scope to find out what is on your keyboard and how you can make the keys really convey what you feel. forget capitals and the common devices, you can cut words up, use all these funny symbols at the top [if they are conceptually relevant] and make this really come to life.

i am sorry if you think i have buttfu-cked your words, but they are merely alternatives spurned by the words you have written and the concept you have shown. if you dont like 'em, sh-it them out they will not be missed.

take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  god... your breaking me...
i dont know if we are living the exact same feelings except on different sides of the world right now or not but yikes... this is too much me to be true...

i actually knew what the end was gonna bring before i got even half close to it.
ive been crumbling lately... begging for something to be passionate about coz so many ppl i know all have this one thing that pushes their buttons and gets them going and i dont really give a damn about anything... i told a coupla friends this and they said "but jayde... your passionate about everything" and well... even if i am and just cant see it... somehow it all cancels itself out anyways...

the style you use here is interesting... almost as if the need becomes more urgent and so the lines get shorter as if hurtling towards some kinda resolution or break down or something at the end...

the last stanza... too close to death... god i dont know... im really hoping this isnt the reality you are living right now.
take care of you...
im sorry but im too caught up in what the write is saying to be of any assistance in the actually working of it... sorry i couldnt be of any use.
bye for now
| Posted on 2005-07-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  WOW! Terrific! my only suggestion would be to delete the line 'no fear of consequences,' in stanza 2. Excellent rewrite, dude.

PS. Know what you mean about the 'Box' comment. The only box my 15 year old's interested in would be 'X-Box'... ;-)

Peace,

Joey
| Posted on 2005-07-20 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  hey dorito...so is there going to be more added to this ...just curious though its wonderful...i sense an unfinished feeling to it...it seems you have more to say...or i'm just weird...i love tghe repeated ...i want to be in love agian...it really empasizes on the whole feeling that comes across in this...i felt alot from this and hopefully none of this is reality speaking...and hopefully its just your mind rambling...well sorry for the lame blow comment...but i found this to be fantastic and wanted to tells yas...much love purps
| Posted on 2005-07-20 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem comes through to me of a person in extreme, deep depression. Trying to latch on to any happy memory that they have. Begging, in a sense, to regain the old feelings which were once there. To me, it is a bothersome poem, that leaves the reader questioning the writer's deepest, inner thoughts.
The memories are indeed beautiful, serene, and gentle, but the last stanza...well, it definately leaves questions. Thought provoking to say the least.
Carol
| Posted on 2005-07-20 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
  yeah this is good/solid but what isn't from you..ummmmmm I am getting a weird feeling about you and I will pm you for that but there is a sense of darkness here....like a last call almost-----are thw alls closing in on you my man or time running out on something or whatever huh? Man you can tell me...na, I know your mind must be an abundency orgy--fun! see ya(I'll pm ya
Lamemansterms
| Posted on 2005-07-20 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
  There are really nice pieces to this. The thing that I like the most is the fact that it feels impulsive. Like the words aren’t “chosen” but they chose you…as if you’re speaking from that place in your soul that cares nothing for carefully placed metaphors and punctuation…only expression in it’s purest…does this place make good poetry? In my estimation it does. Does it impress the scholars? Eh, maybe not. Perhaps if you want to take this to the next level you could hone down some of the raw emotion into phrases capture the spirit of what you’ve written in a specific and creative, personally descriptive form.
I want to
be
in love
again,
feel fireworks (meh, heard that use of fireworks before)
and sex (more)
and music (what kind?)
and faith (
in you (in your what)
in me (in my what)
in fantasies (of what)
feel sick (where do you feel it?)
or sad (sad, how?)
or pain (all kinds of pain…what kind is yours?)
or anything
real or
make believe, (perhaps another word to oppose real)
manufactured
or in a dream (dream dream…of what?)

Or if you want to use short spurts of inspiration like that…perhaps find short words or phrases that are more specific to you…uncensored not so general.

Now where you shine are lines like

“:make out in the morning
before brushing teeth
or checking clocks,
eyes and tongues
and minds entwined”

Now I like that part…Good, I’d keep going. I feel like this hits to the core.
You’re swell…good buddy.
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a great beginning but what bothered me was the use of the superlatives (eternal, infinity). I think you need to find a better way to say what you're saying than using words like that. Alos, line 3 HAS to go. I LOVE the second half; listing all those is a great way to express the intent of the narrator [I don't automatically assume that's you]. Keep going with this-you're almost there.

Peace,

JOey
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  This is very emotion packed and very relatable for most people. I think it's relatable yet original in that everyone will feel different when reading this piece. I know love is different for everyone but you described this beautifully so everyone feels this piece.
I love this part,
"make out in the morning
before brushing teeth
or checking clocks,
eyes and tongues
and minds entwined;
light-headed lovers"

That part is great because it’s about not caring what time of day or how the other looks, just being totally in love with their soul.
I think this piece captured me so because I think I'm falling again. I'm scared but I think you do have this piece ended because it fits my mood,
"this void,
this lack of life
is too damn close
to death
to me"

Great piece. Hugs!

-blt
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
  About the title - I thought it was going to be something perverse or something like that, but when I read the poem it was something different entirely. I still don't get how the title fits with what is said. I'm just off today. But great way to grab my attention to view your poem.
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
  Like what you have done here. Meaning the way you keep repeating " I want to be in love again". It really achieves what you intended. I like the way the piece picks up pace after the 4th verse. Appropriate words used and appropriate style applied.

Great metaphors and descriptions. Sorry I can't be more critical.

The title got my attention almost immediately.
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, that is mind-blowing, immedaite and above all intense. I love the clever way it's written too, the trickkery in the words, their graphology making them even more intense. I like the philosophy, especailly:

that carries all of time
through me
and back into the sea

I want to be in love again
…
slip into a faceless night
in a summer of childhood,
gliding on my bike
after dark, an afterthought;
no fear of consequences,
too occupied
in the feeling of flight
and the naïve notion
that tomorrow is irrelevant

I have never seen the loss of naivity as the world outside compresses who we are, better written. I love the simile:

similes that speak simple truth
like an overcast sky
foreshadowing a storm
| Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
  Absolutely astounding! I have to take a moment to find the right words, as none of my favorite catch phrases will do justice to this piece!

I haven't read the other comments, so forgive me if I'm repetitive.

I fell in love with the way you played with the words: the odd capitolization, the spacing, the tumbling of thoughts. The bare lines with just a word or even part of a word really intesified the feelings you wanted to portray.

To me good poetry means that the emotion is what comes through, not the word choice. With that said, I think this is probably the best piece I've read in a long time.

I would like to offer some suggestions, but as I wouldn't change a thing, I guess I grab my ticket to comment hell and leave you with a smile!

Take Care!
-Chell-
| Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  The need to feel something, anything, some kind of emotion so we don't feel hollow or dead inside is overwhelming. And this piece made me feel sadness. One emotion we wish to never feel.

I can't find anymore words to add to this comment, and I guess that makes me a horrible critique. One thing I know for sure is that this piece will haunt me, because it is me. And I will leave this comment at that.

Crystal
| Posted on 2005-08-24 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
  i loved it. really surprising and imaginative. i can relate to it alot.

really great metaphors. i loved the flow!

keep it up
deathbroken
| Posted on 2006-12-12 00:00:00 | by deathbroken | [ Reply to This ]

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