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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Voluptuousdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: amateur
    Elite Ratio:    4.86 - 19/22/11
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 227
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 694



    Description:
       im kinna just venting here. say whatever ya want:-)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVoluptuousdots
    -------------------------------------------


    They call her voluptuous
    for obvious reasons...
    She walks heavily under
    the weight of her world
    falls gracefully into
    her honored seat
    and clearly mumbles intelligent words
    through fiery strands of hair.
    Her mood-
    icy lava in
    intricate, tumultuous waves...
    Her vibe-
    an elegant, strong smoke
    twisting above the heads of the
    rest of us mundanes...
    Motives for
    Desire.
    Be wary
    because even a small crush
    is fatal under her indifferent wrath and
    her smile
    a lusty prison
    to many hearts
    never ceases to
    mesmerize.





    Submitted on 2005-07-19 15:44:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was great! ^_^

    I liked how it was very...erm, almost magical sounding. I know that sounds crazy, considering what the poem is about, but I suppose it's your choice of vocabulary. The only thing I would change: When you said:
    her mood
    and
    her vibe.
    It sounded very abrupt, and kinda tampered with the flow...yeah.

    Meh, comment on any of my stuff if you want.

    <33
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by RawrFlowers | [ Reply to This ]
      Good Lord! You are a master of disguise! I would never have guessed you're an amateur. Thanks for the secret.
    If I try hard enough, I can find some nits to pick: The 2 "in" sounds (L9 & 10) interfere a bit with the flow. Perhaps, "on / intricate" or "of /", but I'm not sure the gain would be worth the cost. And also, "because even" might sound better as "for even". Yes, I'm really stretching to find a constructive suggestion.
    I've read your attempt at Haiku: Not impressive Haiku, but still good poetry. I hope you continue to get bored in algebra class.
    fred
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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