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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If only it worked like this...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 50
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 796
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 330



    Description:
       written on a magnetic poetry board


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf only it worked like this...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Morning consumed us with staggering want
    We were not yet bruised
    And my skin was like loved lace
    Your tongue pronounced blossoming secrets inside me
    The evening built wild, dark songs around us
    And summer burned, full and red, outside

    You can leave me here
    I won’t run away




    Submitted on 2005-07-19 20:14:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i don't like this as much as your other stuff. this isn't bull[censored] pity me type of a write so i still like it.


    i see this in a cheerfully in denial sort of a tone.

    on a magnet board? that's pretty cool by the way. not important but i figured i'd let you know.

    i love how you can be so elegant yet so gritty at the same time. you remain gracefull and beautiful even when talking about those dirty taboo things that people love to abuse and use for attention. you do it the right way.

    that's about all i have to say, sorry i can't leave you with more.

    later
    Ryan
    | Posted on 2005-09-03 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      As I watch a scene in "He Got Game" where the main character is having sex in a car of a ferris wheel, I thought, hmmm, that would be awesome, too bad I would need to improvise. Anyway, I liked this piece, but I would split up one line to read
    "Your tongue pronounced/ blossoming secrets inside me"
    And the last two lines need something else. Its like they're starving. Give them meat! Or maybe I need some meat? mmmmm, meat (oh double entendres).
    | Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by Lee Minsu | [ Reply to This ]
      If only...

    There's something beautifullly serene about this poem. To me, it seems to be about contentment and security, especially in the last lines:
    'You can leave me here
    I won't run away'

    It takes a couple of readings to really grasp this poem, and I'm not sure I've got it right even now. What's the 'wild dark songs' bit all about?

    'And my skin was like loved lace
    Your tongue pronounced blossoming secrets inside me'
    That image is beautiful (not to mention erotic). But I would suggest you remove 'blossoming' as the second line is too long; 'your tongue pronounced secrets inside me' would convey the intimacy just as well.

    I don't think you should make this any longer.Adding more would ruin its simplicity.

    I look forward to reading more of your work.
    Tulip xxx
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Morning consumed us
    with staggering want
    We were not yet bruised
    And my skin was like loved lace

    Your tongue pronounced
    blossoming secrets inside me
    The evening built wild,
    dark songs around us

    And summer burned,
    full and red, outside
    You can leave me here
    I won’t run away

    This is just a suggestion to make the lines more visually concise. If you don't like it, that's cool. I originally had them in couplets, but it's up to you.

    I think you did quite well here.. especially seeing as it was written with those magnet thingys. I know, I've written one myself called 'refrigerator poem' lol, that took a while.

    And honestly, it is nice as it is, but I feel that you could expand upon this... flesh it out a bit more, give it more direction.

    End note: who in hell types the word 'very' like a hundred times? (word count whore in operation.. not looking at anyone in particular roflmao). I've noticed this person does it ALL the time lol. But anyways, totally off the point.

    You are the writer. And this was a nice thought out piece.
    Peace
    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Now my mmind is probably just RIGHT in the hellmouth... But that was a damn erotic poem. Yep. It reminds me of a short story in Dark Seductions... Of course all there IS are short stories in it. But it totally rocked! Again my mind is probably in the hell mouth but it brought fourth images of just animalistic [censored]. Like when you say,

    "We were not yet bruised
    And my skin was like loved lace "

    Like from the night before it was rough and hungry, and your skin was stated from lovemaking. I really liked this piece. It's short, but it made me smile.. Being a teenager and all... Hormones are such a blessing. Anyways when you say,

    "And summer burned, full and red, outside"

    Are you saying that it was like dawn, or dusk? Or possibly comparing it to the physical? It leaves some questions. But It was to the point. Sorry If I totally misinterpreted this. But it was great! Good work!
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Twilight_Dreame | [ Reply to This ]
      That was very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very short and yet very very very very beautiful too!

    I noticed that nearly all or shall I say most of the very very short poems are very very beautiful! And I also analyzed that before saying; may be because short poems doesn't leave room for mistakes! I mean when you write a long poem the chance of the existence of mistakes is big but when it's a short one then the chance is small! May be!! What do you think?!

    Anyway, I felt that this is going to be a beautiful poem even before I read it! And that's all because of the very well chosen title " If only it worked like this..." that totally captured my attention.

    Like I said short poems rarely conatins mistakes and that is the case here, it's very well written with no spelling mistakes (I didn't find any), and the sentences are well constructed using well chosen words too.

    "Morning consumed us with staggering want
    We were not yet bruised
    And my skin was like loved lace
    Your tongue pronounced blossoming secrets inside me
    The evening built wild dark songs around us
    And summer burned, full and red, outside"

    The images created are beautiful, specially when you say;

    "The evening built wild dark songs around us
    And summer burned, full and red, outside"

    And also the finale is good and well written too;

    "You can leave me here
    I won&#8217;t run away"

    Anyway, I hope that you find my comment somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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