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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Bane Of Passiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nebnim
    ASL Info:    21 - Female - My Room
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 284/405/75
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1162
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 884



    Description:
       I wrote this for my lover after our first night together. We had been good friends for about a year by that point...and that night (in my mind) wasn't going to be anything more then sharing my bed with someone I desired wholly, just for one night. Four months later, I'm still sharing my bed...there was more then what I saw.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Bane Of Passiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    I recall slender beams of gray light
    Slowly growing in color, shape and form
    As if growing or re-birthing a new personality
    Filtering itself through patchwork foil
    You sat up at that moment
    The ebbing penetrating light wove around
    Through, under and over
    Dancing with my fingers as they traced your face
    Clouds of smoke
    Like fog; thick and mysterious
    A soft moan...
    Needful, wanting
    A burning gaze and you're inside me again
    Pushing me to the brink
    That, like a shield of glass, shatters at your persistant whim
    Then that light is back again
    You almost look celestial, innocent and childlike
    Almost...
    Break me again
    Bend me to your will
    All your physical needs
    That could be more then physical
    Is there more then what I see?




    Submitted on 2005-07-20 19:15:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Rachel, this is quite excellent.

    I had no problem with the smoke or beams of light, it gave a dream-like quality to the vision.

    Parts of this were so poignant they cut like a razor, and other paerts flowed like tracle from a cream jar.

    Bloody, bloody good! Excellent, in fact!

    be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      My 6 foot Fairy... I assume that you have found someone who can change your dark-gothic words into something, dare I say -romantic and passionate. This is quite a change from writings of your past and a nice change...
    "Clouds of smoke
    Like fog; thick and mysterious
    A soft moan...
    Needful, wanting"
    nice lines...as a whole...this is very good - I look forward to reading some more of this kind of work
    Your BirdDog
    ps...how's mom?
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      First, on a personal level, let me somehow hint at the glee I feel at reading one of your poems that expresses true happiness. I can't really jump on a bandwagon that feels that all of your darkness is in the past, but I do feel that somehow, you've turned a corner.

    On the level of a literary critique, there are a couple of things that I want to mention.

    "I recall slender beams of gray light
    Slowly growing in color, shape and form
    As if growing or a re-birthing a new personality"

    I'm not confidant of my interpretation of this, but it seemed to me that the beams of gray light were your own thoughts, monochrome, somewhat flat, basically going through the motions. Maybe they were his image. In either event, the combination of the two of you resulted in color, brilliant beautiful color. Reminds me of an old Crosstide song that we've shared.

    "Dancing with my fingers as they traced your face"

    This line just screams love. I'm certainly not a believer that love and sex are the same thing, but in my experience, cheap sex doesn't pause like this. You're pausing in the middle of the physical act to notice the details in his face. Seems that this carnal act has some more important meanings.

    "All your physical needs
    That could be more then physical
    Is there more then what I see?"

    My college English prof would have pointed out then should be than and I guess he made an imprint on me for I noticed it. More important, though, are your thoughts. After the physical act, you're writing down your thoughts. You certainly have the poetic skill to write a piece of pure erotica, but there are more important thoughts here.

    "Is there more than what I see?"

    It's easy to answer from our current point, in the future. Yeah, there is more. Even then, I think you knew the answer.


    A great emotional expression,
    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-07-23 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem was extremely wonderful. You could see everything unfolding through your eyes. It had just the right touch of passion contained within it. It's amazing when you know somebody, then something like this happens and you know them at a whole new level and you're almost starting over again...ya know? Very nice and I look forward to reading more!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Aw hon, this is so...I can't even think of the words. I'm so utterly thrilled to see this side, this part of you. Isn't it amazing when you look at someone you've known, but in an entirely new light? And when you finally see something that was there the whole time?
    This new work you're doing is just great. I'm so glad you see you moving beyond the dark and miserable.
    Smooches,
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      I am just so happy to read something like this from you. Passionate and wonderful. I believe you have finally jumped all your hurdles, and have gained the happiness you deserve.

    This was wonderfully passionate. You brought feeling and thought to the reader with the web of words you spun.

    You write what you feel, and this is why I can't quit reading. Excellent.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Crystal
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      :) nebnim, I just had to gain more exposure of your brillent glow of poetry. The vision captured within my minds eye was vividly clear as though I was living this poem and you have acheived the highest level of completeness. I am quickly becoming a fan of yours and glad to be amongst such a wonderful talented poet that has a natural ability to create art through words of poetry. I can only hope you continue stroking your key board keys creating more of your wonderful poetry for everyone please. Your Reading Fan, MickPigKnuckles :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by MickPigKnuckles | [ Reply to This ]


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    67353

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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