[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: "Red Waves"dots

    Author: Alize
    ASL Info:    20/F/MD
    Elite Ratio:    7.7 - 262/165/23
    Words: 582
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1584
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3690

       I know it's long

    I jumped on here with the bright idea that maybe ES would help me perfect the story and bring it into actually poetry and not fruity prose (it's what it obviously looks like) So any help is appreciated, insight, all of that gooey stuff.

    The story is something I'll maybe continue on with seeing as Friend thinks it's a good idea. I hesitate to put it here because I don't know that anybody will have ANY clue as to the world I'm living in versus their world but it's the story of Queen's return from those Northern schools and those Northern colleges to the Southern home she left when she was younger. It's told from her younger sister's point of view (the narrator)
    It's not a true story but is undoubtedly inspired by a few amazing books such as The Color of Water and The Last Train North and other stories about homecomings and small towns.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Red Waves"dots

    resting on waves as red as rose petals
    savoring every drip drop from
    the tip to the back of her tongue
    she don't see nobody
    drifting in front of her with those
    sideways eyes licking her up
    and down
    "Damn Queen, you sure grew up."
    why her hair so red and silky, flowing round her face
    and down that delicious back-
    yes, delicious... something you could run your tongue
    over like she runs her tongue
    over that Popsicle
    taking all the good from that stick
    and how soft her skin is looking
    and it's wearing her so nice
    and them all wanting to wear her.
    Them eyes half closed in the head
    just a lil bit of unseeing ecstasy
    shining from underneath, while she attack that ice,
    lips every bit as full and as bitable
    as a plum
    She lose a drip drop and it dribble on her chest
    runing its way down into that secret place over
    her heart.
    Them sideways eyes follow that traveling drop
    and her long fine hands as she reach
    to catch it up.
    "How you doin Queen"
    she smile a lil bit around her treat and thats her answer.
    She gonna uncross her legs
    (they real long and consist of
    the same right curves that got those sideways eyes
    wishing they could wear her like new Sunday clothes
    and with as much pride and pleasure)
    and sit with them stretched and at an angle so those knees
    meet, and then her feet sit about a foot apart
    denying entrance up her warm thighs.
    "Queen, welcome back."
    And she does open her eyes a little more
    to look under those carefully arched eyebrows
    and her eyes are as inviting and soft as the rest of her
    and yes, just as foreign.
    "Mmm, thanks," she says
    appraising him a lil because his eyes more straightforward
    than sideways, and they stay on her face
    a long time before escaping to her other places.
    Then she gonna look at me and say
    "Mmm, Niecey, you sure is getting bit now."
    "Yes ma'am," I say, the words catching a bit because
    I don't know that she too much of a ma'am.
    Can't help being as jealous as I am scared of her
    because for just a moment, I was wanting to press
    my own lips to hers to see if she would take them
    like she took to that Popsicle.
    "You was just a baby when I left," she says, making rhythm
    even if her voice not music.
    "Sure was," I say.
    "Why don't you run in there and get me another of these
    ice pops" she say, reaching into her purse and
    coming out with a dollar.
    "Get yourself something too."
    For a second I see myself
    sitting out there in that
    blazing sun looking just as
    appealing and edible as Queen
    so them eyes would eat me
    up too, and I could lower my
    lids as she does, and have that
    cool expression.
    Then that moment passes and I
    know I'm not Queen and Ima
    look silly losing myself in ecstasy of
    some dumb ice pop, like her.
    And I can't make my legs laze at
    that angle, and my skin not something
    other people will want wrapped around
    them with my hot breathing in they ear.
    So I give her that dollar back and I say
    "Get it yourself"
    and stalk away, knowing her eyes as wide now as
    all them sideways looks she getting.

    Submitted on 2005-07-20 21:01:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      My suggestion, keep it prose do not turn it into a poem. works fine as a short story with all the accent and way of talking.

    I dunno if u r black, but I seem to understand that the characters are. I think you captured the way of talking, but I suggest you do not use it when narrating but only in dialogs.
    Becos while narrating it might look like bad grammar. likewhen u start ur piece: she don't see nobody you better use the correct form.

    Plus u say that Queen left her home town and came back sophisticated etc.. or so i understood, I think it will sound more realistic if only she loses the accent.

    Because the girl strikes me as haughty in her attitude toward the 2 ppl around her.
    So I think it would be more like her to lose the accent to blend in her new environment and use it as a thing to look better than those around her.

    This is all I have to say. Hope it helps u.
    And yes the idea is good for a novel, I can see the potential of it.

    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey! I have only ONE suggestion. Make the switchover between speakers clearer. Doesn't matter what device you use in doing so. Maybe one more for luck. It would've been great if there was a constant switching throughout, so the reader gets this alternate perspective thing. Not essential though. As prose poetry this is great and, no, not at all too long. It draws one into the story with that colloquial flavour and has one smiling all the way through. GREAT stuff, do it again.
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]