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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cure for Urban Insomniadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DevilDinosaur
    ASL Info:    28/M/MR American
    Elite Ratio:    6.53 - 293/197/46
    Words: 426
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1253
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2684



    Description:
       A little poem I put to paper a while back, involving some relationship issues I had. It's an early piece of work for me, but I still like it. I straightened it up a little before posting it, but it probably still has problems. Oh well...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCure for Urban Insomniadots
    -------------------------------------------


    A one room apartment,
    Suffocating so small.
    It's been three days straight
    With no sleep at all.
    And longer than that
    Since she'd answer my calls.

    I try to get some air, throw the window open
    But I find no help there, the way I'd been hopin'

    She had said, "It's the rule in apartments this small,
    (If you're lucky enough to have windows at all)
    That they'll only open to show you brick walls."

    So I take to the street, seeking release,
    Pounding the pavement under my feet.
    I cruise down dark alleys,
    Cross streets dodging cars,
    I stroll by the theater
    I walk past a bar...

    A guy I know stands in the door.
    He asks where I'm heading for.

    I offer a handshake and quick hello,
    But I can't really tell him where I'm plannin' to go
    'Cause alook in my head lets me see I don't know.

    He sees it too, that there's nowhere I'm goin',
    And it's cold outside, and the wind is blowing.
    So he says, "Have a beer," all easygoing.

    I try to respond, but I find I can't speak,
    The loop in my head: without her, no sleep.

    I smile at his offer
    Then go on my way,
    ('Cause it's no fun to drink
    When there's nothing to say.)
    And I couldn't to him, even though he's my friend,
    He'd think I done up and went off the deep end.

    And I knew with my friend I couldn't pretend
    That my head was all good and my heart on the mend.
    The words chokin' my throat were not meant for him.

    So back to my cell, a touch more depressed,
    Not feeling as well as I had when I'd left.

    If I call her again,
    And she answers the phone,
    Will I find her, like me,
    Wide awake, all alone?
    And then find the words
    That will bring her back home.

    ************

    Across the room, the bed now stands,
    Its move has left marks on the floor.
    Its head lies beneath the window;
    Its foot by the deadbolted door.

    I put pillows on the windowsill
    Then we lie down,
    Our faces upturned
    Forty feet from the ground.

    Now from the window she sees no brick wall,
    Her eyes instead find the stars.
    While mine find hers as we drift into sleep
    and dream dreams of life on Mars.




    Submitted on 2005-07-21 00:09:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like that a lot.
    I'm sorry I don't really have anything intelligent to say about it though. I'm a bit inarticulate at times.
    I love how it's like a story... only better. And the rhyming is awesome. I like to see people go through the trouble of rhyming (but only when it isn't forced). You know?
    Anyway, the details and descriptions that you put into this are wonderful.
    You're very talented.
    The title made me interested to read it (because I'm an insomniac), and I'm glad I did.

    Very nicely done
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      Just as others have said I also really like this poem. The rhymingdoes stand out, but has a nice easy flow that keeps the poem running smoothly. I enjoyed this read and only have a couple suggestions because i hate to leave a comment of pure praise as no one will think I have a backbone:Oo

    "Cross streets<>-<>dodging cars,
    I stroll by the theater
    I walk past a bar..."

    to keep flow.

    "I offer a handshake and quick hello,
    But I can't really tell him where I'm plannin' to go
    'Cause alook in my head lets me see I don't know."

    Just a suggestion because the last line seemed forced:
    "I want to keep going, but he'll want to know
    Why I'm still here and cant let go"

    But this is your piece and thats only my suggestion.

    Overall though I really enjoyed this piece. A new favourite:O) Thank-you for the great write.

    ---Kayla

    | Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      I find this to be a rather unfinished poem with a lot of god bits and pieces all thrown together that don't neccessarily fit... at the moment. I think the first stanza really sets the rhythm for the peice and I'd like to see you keep that rhythm... it's a walking.. moving poem. Try and capture that in your rhythm. Give us a strong beat. Iambic... pulsing... matching your strides. As is it rambles and reads a little awkwardly. one place I'll point out.
    "So he says, "Have a beer," all easygoing."
    try "So he says "have a beer" and he's all easy goin'"
    or try
    "I offer a handshake and (small) quick hello, "
    see how the extra syllable adds to the rhythm you've established in the poem?
    Read the poem outloud and I'm sure you'll found places where just the addition of a single syllable will make all the difference to your rhythm and will pull your audience into the trip with you even more.
    | Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece blew me away. (And I don't say that very often.) I just stumbled across your page, it's 4:00 in the morning and was drawn in by the title.

    I liked the way you changed the rhyme scheme with the emotions- almost like a changing chorus in a sad song.

    I agree that a couple places are a little choppy and had some suggestions...

    If you drop the word 'so' from the second line it tightens up this verse:

    A one room apartment,
    Suffocating small.
    It's been three days straight
    With no sleep at all.
    And longer than that
    Since she'd answer my calls.


    And so is a bit reduntant when paired with sufficatingly...

    If you change the tense in this part to:

    She had said, "It's the rule in apartments this small,
    (If you're lucky enough to have windows at all)
    That they'll only open to show you brick walls."


    It clarifies she's still gone...

    So I take to the street, seeking release,
    Pounding the pavement under my feet.
    I cruise down dark alleys,
    Cross streets dodging cars,
    I stroll by the theater
    I walk past a bar...


    Change wander to stroll and it keeps with the meter.

    This section may also benefit with a little tightening:

    I offer a handshake and quick hello,
    But I can't really tell him where I'm pannin' to go
    'Cause inside my head I can see I don't know.

    He sees it too, that there's nowhere I'm goin',
    It's fridgid outside, and the wind is a-blowing.
    So he says, "Have a beer," all easygoing.

    I try to respond, but I find I can't speak,
    The loop in my head: without her, no sleep.


    This next part was tough for me. I thought maybe a little change..

    And I knew that with him I couldn't pretend.
    That my head was o.k and my heart on the mend.
    These words were not for his heart to bend..


    I liked this next paragragh, but would "and then speak the words.." work a little better?

    If I call her again,
    And she answers the phone,
    Will I find her, like me,
    Wide awake, all alone?
    And then speak the words
    That will bring her back home.


    I would only make one last change in the very last stanza:

    Now from the window she sees no brick wall,
    Her eyes, instead, find silver stars.
    And mine find hers as we drift into sleep
    and dream dreams of life upon Mars.


    I don't usually go this deep into someone else's pieces- and I apologize for the length- but I know how hard it is to sleep without my love next to me, and you've caught the emotion, the anxiety, and saddness of a lonely night perfectly!

    These were only suggestions. You have every right to like this piece. I did! A lot.

    Take Care!
    -Chell-
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this poem. I also feel that you should have explained a couple of things a bit more but other than that i cant see anything to improve on. I liked the story behind the poem and the way you wrote it I could easily picture everything in my head.
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by 15yearsemotion | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, that was quite a unique look into a life and insomnia! I thoroughly enjoyed it. great ending too. the rhyming is a little rough but it works. I wouldn't know exactly what to suggest to change it and wouldn't want to change it much. I thought it was very good. I can see why you like it-it has character!
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the flow of this peace, on the whole. Even though the rhyme seems forced at times, u managed well.
    Shows mostly in this part:
    "I offer a handshake and quick hello,
    But I can't really tell him where I'm plannin' to go
    'Cause when I look in my head I can see I don't know.

    He sees it too, that there's nowhere I'm goin',
    And it's cold outside, and the wind is blowing.
    So he says, "Have a beer," all easygoing."

    Otherwise i like the feeling in this poem. It depicts a story of a broken heart with such intensity. That we almost feel the poet caged anywhere he goes until his beloved one is with him again.

    Not bad at all.

    Peace
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]


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