Jesus Hector Christ by LameMansTerms

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Submission Name: Jesus Hector Christ dots

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Author:	LameMansTerms
ASL Info:	36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
Elite Ratio:	4.31 - 713/1012/165
Words:	288

Class/Type:	Poetry/Betrayal
Total Views:	1537
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	1807

Description:
This is exactly how I feel ----I'm sorry people but you are on your own from now on......No more guiding I've had it with all of you...No more please Jesus this and please Jesus that, it was a hoax, don't you people get it? I am a fraud/fake/liar/conartist---JHC

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Yes…. I am him.
Jesus Hector Christ
Yes I am dead
But never did a crown of thorns
ever touch my head.
And Hell No, I wouldn't give my life,
not for you guys!

The Maker of Heaven and Earth……
wasn’t Me.
Nor my Father…..or whoever it is you call #3.
I am not 3 people, I am 1.
My father hates me,
and has no other sons.
I was nailed to that Cross-
Just for the pictures.
I didn’t think we’d pull it off.
But we did, just like the scriptures.

Despite what the Bible said,
I wasn't born in a manger,
it was a dirty bed.
Yes, I did have 12 friends, and I loved them.
The Apostles were junkies,
I was a big dealer in Bethlehem.

Yes I died, but not for all your sins.
I died cause I am a bad carpenter,
and fucked up when I was hammerin.
I was a bum of a son.
I didn’t herd the sheep I fucked em.

The Shroud Of Tourin….
The Son Of The Lord
We used our imagination,
Then I was Reborn.
And The Virgin Mary?
That’s hilary-ous-to me.
Cause the Mary I know was a whore.
If she was a virgin then SHE was reborn.

The water into wine thingy…
If I could do that the Pacific Ocean
would be a full bodied burgundy.
And Hell Yeah, I’d walk across it everyday…
Straight into The Bay Of Chardonnay
and right into Heaven…
and oh by the way…-for writing this,
I am already forgiven.
Goodbye from Jesus Hector Christ,
Please no more prayers,
have a nice life…----ahem...

St. Lamemansterms©

Submitted on 2005-07-21 05:06:10 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Doop-dee-dee-doooooooooop!
Well, it took me forever to scroll down here and I caught brief glimpses of words along the way down.

These are the words I saw...in order...while I scrolled down:

Jesus
you
think
like
this
it
is
funny.

Well...thats my comment.
I just have to add this though, thanks for the laugh and as VH says...OICU812

| Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  this just cracked me up! i love the irreverence in this. i do call myself a Christian, but i am not so prudish as to not find this absolutely hilarious! you were on a holy roll, or should i say an unholy roll?!...

very creative.

peace,
~Cat
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  so i finally read it ummm i for got your name again srry. well tis nice tis nice i actually enjoyed this but thats probly because i think of the bibal as a really crappy fictional noval.

but yea it was nice and now i need a cig so i bid you fare well

xoxo
that girl
| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by sweet sorenity | [ Reply to This ]
  sigh...never a dull moment with you Mike. and like most all of your pieces, i love this. definitely a new fav. ^_^ i'm always so pleased with your straight forward, in your face style. maybe i love it so much because it's so different from my own, but damn...i can't get enough. nothing constructive about this comment, just pure praise. sorry, no helping you today :P only wanted to let you know i love it!
| Posted on 2005-10-23 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
  ok LT i may not be so bold in my words. I’m a little more sneaky than you in some of my writes on how i display my mistrust, disbelief, angst, etc. I hide a lot of things so that the shrewd bust their bottoms to find out what is going on but you come out and say it. i respect that. this write is absolutely hilarious just taken for comedy alone serves a great purpose. nobody should be sheltered from that even Jesus and i applaud you for this write and having that boldness that i lack in my works. favorite part "But never did a crown of thorns ever touch my head. And Hell No I wouldn't give my life!" that is a well illustrated quality of humanization to a very inhuman like even alien character described in the ancient text. you must agree that it is almost impossible to believe that he did not sin, not even in his mind? that is just one of the hundred things i stumble on in the bible. but i do love prophecy and i do love alot of the parables and stories. i do think alot of it is poetry in its own right. take care,

~mike
| Posted on 2005-10-15 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  The Bay of Chardonnay that's right by the Chianti Straits...

Well, as a former Catholic, I am glad you finally came clean. I mean really, as I said to them while they were excommunicating me (or performing an excorcism) - No one really buys all that crap about 13 hippies hanging out together providing food & drink for 300 people...That's what we call a party - and did you not see the invite BYOB!

And the whole Mary with a cherry bit - please, aint one woman in this world that can hang around a couple of carpenters and not get nailed

I always knew a couple of guys sat around tokin' on one thinking..."hey, what if we wrote this story..."

Excellent piece, sorry I missed it before - thankfully others put it in their favorites so I could experience this

Peace, Love and M.O.s
Lisa
| Posted on 2005-09-14 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
  lmao damn dude! This is some crazy prose on here. I have always kinda wondered if all that bullsh.it the churches throw down our throats was just that..bullsh.it. Awesome job bro.
KuMaR
| Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by H_K | [ Reply to This ]
  heh..I was posetively surprised at the cleverness of your satirical piece here. Being a christian by name I appreciated this jab at the heretic figure very much.

thanks for making me laugh.. awesomely random
| Posted on 2005-08-28 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
  ok. I'm not a particularly religious man (ahem), in fact, I agree to some extent or in some way to a lot of what you say here...it very well might have ben the best illusion trick of all time...but Jesus [censored] sheep? COME ON MY MAN! You're killing me here! You got some big ole balls on you brother!

and I know you meant this for humor's sake and it was funny and enjoyable and that is enough.

You are the Howard Stern of poetry and you know what - there's only one Howard Stern and only one of you and that is something to be proud of.

brave and original brother
| Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't think anyone else but you could come up with s**t like this. I would just love to jump into your mind and see what goes on in there.

This was hilarious. And seeing I'm not christian, I wonder how others can look at this man, who by the way, was just a man, and believe all that was written by a man, in the bible. I don't mean to offend anyone here, but science has proven that you need a man and a woman in order to conceive a child, so the whole Virgin Mary thing is controversial.

By the way, the Pacific Ocean being burgandy and the Bay of Chardonney thing was and excellent touch.

I think that it would be more of a crime for me if I didn't add this piece to my favorites.

Very funny write my friend.

Brightest Blessings,
Crystal
| Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
  hmmmm. i've always thought that if jesus existed, then perhaps he was just a lunatic that happened to gain popularity. it happens sometimes... people who claim to have visions from god and people believe them... then they get treated for schizophrenia.

it's a diff. idea. well no it's not but it's a good 'take all your beliefs and shove em' kind of thing. you completely turned jesus around... and it's one of those things that, if it wasn't so funny, might be true. (please, god, don't smite me). i especially liked how you threw in 'for writing this... i am already forgiven,' very sarcastic, shines light on the people (like the preists that fu.ck you while they whisper holy things) do whatever and then pretend just by saying the words, they're all christian and loving. anyway...
| Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
  Absolutely perfect comment. I'm not a religious person, so I don't completely understand why someone would thinnk that they can sit and talk to someone who doesn't even exist and have them listen. And, for the record, as being a feminist, I believe that there is a possibility that if there was a god, it was female.

~Jessica
| Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay...I'll comment...as soon as...I stop...laughing! *gasp* Man, that is too damn funny, and brings to light alot of stuff I've wondered about. You are a very brave man, my dear, you are going to take alot of crappola for this, but eh, screw 'em if they can't take a joke. I agree with Chell, this is a great piece, a must for the fave list.
Traci :)
| Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey gorgeous...bet you thought I ran away with some dude on a harley huh??? LOL

Gotta say, I believe in God and Jesus and all but I was already laughing just at the title. No way that anyone could take this as anything other than good natured humor...Hector...yeah...hehe...always wondered what the H. stood for. Okay, now that I got that out of the way.

This piece kinda reminded me of like Cheech and Chong. It was written in a tounge in cheek enough manner to be shrugged off but with enough thought to be sacrilege. It hit hard in a real soft way if that makes sense.

Loved the Bay of Chardonnay...think I fell in there once.

Great write, man.

Joye

Ps. I will be looking at some more of your newer stuff...you seem to be getting damn good at this poetry thing.
| Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by pinurplepassion | [ Reply to This ]
  I am trying to comment this and trying to keep an open mind. I am Christian by faith, I consider myself very open minded, but there are times where u really went too far. (Especially the sheep part)

I was in an all girls nuns school till i was 15 and ran the hell out because they were uptight and idiotic.
But I would not go over to the other side either.
I CHOSE to be a Christian in a land where I have basically no choice in that matter, cos I am born into a religion and it is the basic thing that runs our "democracy". Kind of pathetic and really contradictory but that is the way it is.

Back to your poem now.

Some say there were historic proof that Jesus existed, whether u believe in him as a God or not. Ghandi himself said that the man was a great philosopher. What really bugs me though is that people confuse religion with what men made of it.

If only people read the new testament for the literary value, not in faith I am sure they will get a lot of good ideas from there.

You poem was well written I admit, sarcastic to every extent (maybe that was the effect u wanted), even though there are some twisted facts (dunno if u twisted them on purpose or just did not know the facts).

Dunno why you chose Hector as a middle name, considering that they did not have middle names at the time, and Christ was practically an " adjective" more than of a last name. Jesus was of the descent of David and Emmanuel was his other name.
Maybe the Hector part was to alleviate the comments of some.

I also wonder about these verses:
"and oh by the way….for writing this….
I am already forgiven."

Are you the one asking for forgivness from ppl u might have offended? just a fleeting thought though.

I cannot say I liked your poem, it takes my faith by the horns and talks about it in derision.
I agree about the fact that it is very well written and woven in a very smart way. You excelled on the form.
I read with with open mind but U cannot ask me to think it is funny.

Peace
Viv
| Posted on 2005-07-23 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
  When you come out of writers block you come out blazing, dontcha baby?!?

I loved this piece- gonna fav it- gonna print it- gonna give it to every Mormon missionary that shows up at my door for the next 10 years!

I wrote a piece in high school that I have lost and wish I could recreate, but it talked about how if all forms of live were wiped off the planet and the only thing that survived into the next civilization of concious beings were Superman magazines that we would be remembered as worshipping someone who could see through walls, was powerful enough to change the rotation of the planet (turning day into night), and could accend into the heavens unassisted. Oh yeah- we already do!

Thanks for this piece. I always wondered what J.C.'s middle name was.

This is a definite 'hell-in-a-hand-basket' piece. I'll watch for ya!

-Chell-
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  This is "nice" I suppose and I sort of see how this would offend some people. I must say that this peice is very "ball"sy. I myself might have written it, but propbably never have posted, not because I'm a coward, just because I don't like hearing people bag me on [censored] they know little of. Parts of this are very cleverly written, but according to the reviews above I think you already know that. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said twice before and I'm way too tired. Talk to you soon, PEACE.
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
  He he...
*giggling behind hand*
he he...

Now I would have loved to put a copy of this under my religion teacher's door, but I'm no longer a senior at an all girls catholic school, so too bad. You shoud have written this last year.

I thought parts of this were really, really clever. In fact a lot of your writing is very clever... in a way I can't describe, but really admire.

Iwas nailed to that Cross-
Just for the pictures.
I didn’t think we’d pull it off.
But we did, just like the scriptures

I just love that part. I don't know why, I just do. It seems so original, so witty, yet in a way sort of..I don't know what the right word would be, sad almost, but not quite.. hmmm...
but I love it.

I did have 12 friends,
and yes they followed me.
They were the biggest junkies in Bethlehem

ha ha! ha ha I love this!
that is just so damn witty and clever..

There are a few bits where I did wince, like the Mary part, and the sheep [censored] part (lol...), perhaps because of my upbringing.. but also because it is rather offensive and blasphemous and I really hope you won't get verbally bashed by the religious nuts...

but hey, you have every right.
And I really enjoyed this.

I wonder if you could have the ending as,

'Please no more prayers,
just have a nice life...'

but whatever.

Hey hey hey. lame Man is BACK!

a definite fava cos its got flava.
(cringe. I can't believe I wrote that.)

peacenlove
alexis
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece brings out the important factor of faith. Without faith everything is a matter of fiction which makes a cassarole out of skepticism whose main ingredient is atheism.
I see that faith,hope and charity(love) abides their time await the winds of the desert to bring a truer conceptual embolism to things
too ethereal for the human mind to conceive,to grasp that belief in a deity is the husk protecting the ear of human destiny.
There is a concept much like your piece,"Jesus Hector Christ" which says that since humanity is like the birds, bees trees and other things of nature it is entitled to mold,decay and return to dust which is the end to the end,but when humans consider they are not in the class of natural cyclic happenings , it is that intellect separates the divide.
Humans can escape the void in which the rest of nature is bound. This because intellect is capable to see beyond the spheres of earthly existence and into the realm of beyond the sunset of life. This is why Jesus came as a human in order to show us humans there is a realm of life beyond this sphere called earth.
True human intellect applauds the Existence of a divine realm .
Before Jesus humans could only guess about a deity beyond this realm. Jesus gave the truth that humans were right about a land beyond the sun wherein life can capture and annihilate the cosmic impedance of earth.
I liked your poem in that it brings out the thoughts of skeptics who believe that life ends on earth.
| Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
  Hah! I found this to be pretty funny. The old "what if" conundrum.. Ive played around with this quite a bit. It's delightfully fun to think about and write.. And i think you did it well. I can't wait to come back and see the kind of comments you get from die hard christian people who don't take jokes. Heh..
I thought the line,
"I didn’t herd the sheep I [censored]ed em."
Was a bit too far.. But hey, it's your write.

The strongest part, to me, was;
"I was nailed to that Cross-
Just for the pictures.
I didn’t think we’d pull it off.
But we did, just like the scriptures."
Which could be it's own poem in itself.

Ahh, all in all, a fun read.
Ratio M. Ducet III
| Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ]
  You wanted honesty right?

I think you write this crap because you're lonely and scared, but you can hide behind these bold lines for eternity and still find yourself alone and restless at the bottom of the "bay of chardonnay"

When you want to get real, let me know... until then I wish you the best and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Tom
| Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  Apparently I am a bitter idiot for taking this "joke" too seriously. My apologies I have offended the great St. Lamemansterms who believe his image to be more important than that of Jesus Christ. I think the real reason I bother you Mike is because you with all your age should hold more wisdom but instead you have seen all the facts and retained very little. Perhaps you should think of the bigger picture before you attempt to insult my beliefs, you think me making you feel lesser after the way you wrote about my God would bother me? I am not bitter in the least, I am just not afraid to stand up for what I believe, you should try that sometime, believing in something, which I think you have done, but this time, don't give up when things don't swing your way, ride it out and find out what it's like to truly have faith.
| Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh Mike, This is really rascally but I have to say you are forgiven not matter what! I studied religion in college and it's been a subject of intense debate in my own thoughts. What better way to control the masses than to create a God who can always lead us. Forever we will follow in subservience and good deeds while some in the world rape and pillage, steal our thunder right out from under us. This cracked me up, because faith as blind is why nice guys finish last. You didn't know I had this edge on me, did you?
peace and love,
Nan
| Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  hm , some of it was entertaining, some was boring. i mean, calling yourself to jesus in hopes of illiciting a response from your readers because your words are not potent enough in and of themselves to illicit a response is, well, childish. just not good writing man. you might as well say "i'm the jabberwocky" then write a poem about how you and your buddies used to eat jub-jub birds and bandersnatch each other till you were all brillig...see, not very original.
| Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
  Man, people here blow things way out of proportion. If they don't like what you write, than why do they read it? Hey, its your opinion and your freedom to write whatever you want, whether it be true or not.

I liked the little changes you made. I found the humor in it, even though others didn't. Way to go you brave little devil you.

Crystal
| Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
  Bro, I think it's important to crack open certain boundaries and one of the best ways to do this is with a healthy dose of humor. It lends itself to a perspective that we don't often see. I laughed my ass off reading this, and that's a fact. Loved the twisted-mindedness of this piece and faved it. Sure, you're a shock jock, a poet that goes for sensationalism over sentiment, and while I consider some of your devices a bit manipulative in the capitalistic sense of the word, I have to give you props for the creative ways you've invented or uncovered for crawling under ppl's skins and making them revile you, or applaud, in equal measure. It takes a sick kind of evil genius to go in this direction, and you've got that in spades.

I loved it!
| Posted on 2005-08-24 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]

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