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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Little boydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: K
    ASL Info:    26/Namibia/Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 183/172/46
    Words: 205
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 894
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1110



    Description:
       I'd like some feedback. Whatever comes to mind.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLittle boydots
    -------------------------------------------


    One day as I was walking down the street, I saw a little boy.

    This boy could only have been about five years old. I stopped to talk to him.
    He had long black hair, a shy smile but an intensity I have not come across in many adults.
    Even although he was shy, when he spoke he did so with enormous conviction and self confidence. I could not help but admire his beauty, potential and character.
    He was a sweet boy, hanging onto his mother’s dress, not so much for protection but for reassurance that he could be himself.
    The boy knew no fear, no self doubt or failure.
    As I looked at this pure creature I knew that he could not hide from these things forever and that he would have to face them sooner or later in his life.
    I hoped that he could face these evils and prevail over them.
    I wished that he could remain as pure and untainted as he was.
    I wished that he could remain as innocent as he was in that moment, forever.
    As I walked away I shed a tear.
    Because I once met a boy and

    The boy was me….




    Submitted on 2005-07-21 06:20:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the end doesnt do it for me...
    it just kinda stops...
    i get the point you are making and while it is a very bold statement it tells me nothing of whether you are all you wished he could be...

    i like the idea you have presented...
    while i have seen some like it i think this is very different in its approach.
    it is always interesting to look back at how you were as a child and work out how you got here now... i mean... where do our dreams disappear to...?
    i love meeting new ppl and i have a list of interesting noninvasive questions i usually ask ppl... whats your middle name and when you were little what did you wanna be when you grew up being two i never fail to ask and you should see ppls faces... some of them light up when they remember they wanted to be an astronaut or what have you... its totally incredible... but its sad when they realise they havent lived any of their dreams...

    your fears and hopes for this child would indicate that you know more about him than the first line would suggest (This boy could only have been about five years old...) so i would be tempted to change or lose that five years old line. while i understand you are trying to not allow the reader to guess that you are the child til the end i dont think this line contributes in any way...

    i like the way you paint him... his character is beautifully done... right down to holding onto his mothers skirt...

    so yeah... is there a follow up to this... like a sequel... i mean you shed a tear because the boy was you but that doesnt tell me whether it was a happy tear or a sad tear or of regret or loss or unbelief... i wanna know whether you are now all those things you saw in yourself back then... maybe im just nosey...
    | Posted on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      "I hoped that he could face these evils and prevail over them.
    I wished that he could remain as pure and untainted as he was.
    I wished that he could remain as innocent as he was in that moment, forever"

    Ok let me get my suggestion over with so i can say the good stuff in piece. The first 7 words in both of these are exactly the same. I think a bit of a change would make this part flow better , such as

    Ferverently i prayed for the innocence of the moment to last, forever.

    Ok suggestion over :) I liked what you were trying to do with this piece. Everyone grows up and has experiences that changes them for good or bad, And i think the innocence of the way the poem is put together and the meaning of the poem go good together. Some people jsut plain try to get to complicated and long winded making thier poetry something you need a dictionary for. I love this.
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by WandWielder | [ Reply to This ]
      First before I praise your work I have one little error that's bugging me...
    "even although he was shy, when he spoke"
    try this..."although he was shy, he spoke..."
    it seems to flow smoother and make more sense...but just a thought...now!
    this was an awesome right...the wonders of childhood and their innocence and yes, we all can relate to that..'cause, yes, we were once in that positon...great thought and your execution was just as grand...I love the ending...the knowledge that you were once that little boy as I was once that little girl...this is really good...
    It's a truth that none of us will never be able to stop...we'll always be tainted b/c when it's time to grow up you have to take the hardships w/ it...good job on this one...
    -stacey-
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      this was good...but i have to say...i love the idea you were trying to portray in the ending...but it seemed rushed and could of been written better...i think if you take a little more time on rewording the ending thoughts it could be a great write,.,,,purps
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      I saw the impression u were going for, and u didn't quite hit it unfortunatly. Ur thoughts on this little boy was put nicely. "I hoped he could face these evils and prevail over them" But was was rough was ur ending. "As I walked away I shed a tear. Because I once met a boy and the boy was me..." Eh, not so hot. It would have been better if u had said " As I walked away I shed a tear.. I've met this boy before, and I know his fate. I know the trails he will face , the pain and anguish that could crucify him...that boy was me" idk something like that. You have a promising peice, but its more of a starter. It looks like u had something good, but never looked over & edited it. I do th@ alot. I'm all satisfied w/ my poem, & then read over it months later & find some crucial flaws. Also, in the begining it starts as a documentary of ur experiance w/ a boy stranger, then it goes on to be a reflection peice. Th@'s fine, but 2 begin w/ u wrote "This boy could only have been about five years old. " He comes off as some1 you have no idea about, but the very next 2 sentences show you know everything about him. I would have left that sentence completely out, for the simple fact that there rlly isn't a way 2 fix it and make it work w/ the rest of ur peice. All in all its a good bit of work, but it needs to be edited some. Thanx 4 the post. ttyl ciao
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by Aprie Chick | [ Reply to This ]


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